“No one has anything to fear,” Dominic Raab MP, newly scraped off the bottom of the Tory barrel, told a packed press conference in Whitehall today, “my department is moving swiftly to ensure red meat is thrown to all patriotic subjects of HMG post Brexit.”
It was welcome news.
And a firm retort to the week’s scandalous headlines fear mongering over food shortages from Spring 2019, when we all pull together to make kleptomaniacs and their hedge fund stooges even richer.
“Anyone who has ever driven around the countryside in the United Kingdom will know it is just heaving with fresh red meat,” Mr Raab went on, “and not just the cattle, ponies and sheep. The recent fad for safari parks means that even exotic tastes will continue to be sated as we make a success of Brexit. We have a bounty in the countryside and those unelected eurocrats can’t stop us dining. Taste the sovereignty!”
This is wonderful. A far cry from the days when that ageing SAS wannabe Davis held sway as Secretary of State for Complete and Total Insanity, or DExEU, as it’s more commonly called.
“Working hand in hand with the country’s safari parks will ensure that not many people have to subsist on dog food or grass. A small price to pay for once again being outside of the tyrannical grasp of the undemocratic European Union. Making our own laws for the first time in decades and making them exactly mirror EU laws so we can trade with the world’s biggest trading bloc. But being competitive by having every working man, woman and child free of regulations and on below subsistence wages.”
Ooo that’s lip smacking. It’s believed plans for how to deliver the lions, tigers, antelopes, elephants and other animals to the country’s dinner tables are not yet finalised, but soon will be. Just a matter of designing the “Taste Your Sovereignty” logo.
“Also, my department will be updating the Brexit Cookbook immediately so you know the best way to prepare that shank of big cat. Other measures will be edible Saint George flags. Commemorative Brexit dinner plates made of chewable ceramics and how to force your children to forage. I will repeat now, no one has anything to fear if they are willing to work.”
But what about the concerns over the lights going out? The potential for Brexit to shove the UK out of the European energy markets?
“The hot heat of faith and certainty of a price worth paying will keep everyone warm,” Mr Raab reassured, “never fear. In Brexit Britain the lights may go out, for a time, as we adjust to our new realities, but with the enforced adoption of patriotic blue British passports, the lights maybe out, but everyone will still be at home.”