Pundits across the British media today united in blaming England’s embarrassing departure from the world cup on team manager Gareth Southgate’s waistcoat.
“Waistcoat?? Wasted chances more like,” wrote Sun columnist and former skinhead Bushy Arsehole referring to England’s inexplicable profligacy in front of goal after roaring to a surprise lead in the fifth minute.
“Kane, Sterling, wotsisname, thingummy – the one with the funny hair, they all missed absolute sitters and it’s all down to that idiot Southgate and his stupid sartorial affectations,” raved Barney Rubble, the Guardian’s roving public school football obsessive.
“‘Armless they were, just like ‘is bleedin’ stoopid waistcoat,” he continued, emphasising his unconvincing mockney accent and exposing a full chest tattoo of the entire lyrics of “Three Lions on a Shirt”.
England’s embarrassing exit has played havoc with BBC schedules ahead of Sunday’s world cup final, which had been cleared to allow for screening of a three hour documentary on the integral role of waistcoats in the UK’s upcoming departure from Europe.
Presented by the BBC ‘s chief Tory propagandist Laura Kuntsberg, the documentary was to feature lengthy interviews with newfound waistcoat fanatic and permanent BBC commentator, Nigel Farage on why he prefers to use the American term “vest” and Boris Johnson on “fuck waistcoats, I want to be Prime Minister.. NOW!”.
Although being unceremoniously booted out in the semis by a country that didn’t even exist the last time they progressed that far may be embarrassing for England, it does pale in comparison with the team’s performance in Euro 2016.
Only two years ago the heroic three lions were mauled and eaten by a country which, while boasting a history going back over a 1,000 years, is named after a low end supermarket, and boasts a smaller population than Croydon.
Even this though is overshadowed by England’s feeble showing in the 2010 world cup, itself overshadowed by the untimely death of Timperley tune-smith Frank Sidebottom, whose epic paean to the tri-leonine conquerors, “Three Shirts On My Line” had been released only days earlier.
“Werrr gunna win it fer Frank,” whined England captain Steven Gerard in an embarrassing TV interview moments before taking the field to be given what BBC commentator George Colthurst St Barleigh described as a “a darned good British style thrashing by Harry Hun, six of the best, trousers down…”