Forget copper! Forget tin! Cornwall has beans!
The authorities are being urged to act swiftly to prevent mass tailbacks on that little tiny road built two thousand years ago, that is the only way into Cornwall (unless you’re a pirate or a bird), as the cries of “Gold!”, followed by “I means Heinz!”, sees thousands of starving prospectors break down the barricades on the M25 to break free of rationing in the capital and flood to the southwest, hoping to strike post Brexit gold. Whereas once they used to come to buy second homes, outprice the local people, and occasionally rent the property to people on AirBnB.
”It’s a beans rush like I’ve never seen before,” David Davis, retired public servant, and now prospecting tool supplier, told LCD Views,
“when I retired from decades of hard graft serving the British people with every fibre of my little finger and decided to open an ice pick axe and chocolate teapot shop in Penzance people told me I was insane,
“Well, who’s laughing now? I’m selling pick axes as fast as I can freeze them! I’m rich I tells ya! Rich! And I’m not even having to get out into the hills and valleys getting my hands dirty to do it. Yippee!”
And it seems the former Secretary of State for Executing the U.K. is not the only one cashing in as the great British gold rush roars into life in the southwest.
Every day thousands of Londoners are quietly stepping out of the queues, waiting for their share of airdropped EU aid, and hurrying to get into the rush to tear about the cliff faces and river beds of a region once languishing in the dying throes of a fishing industry finished off when patriot Nigel Farage caught the last fish in Cornish waters.
”Fortunes are being made thanks to Brexit now,” David Davis said, “just like I predicted. Only I never thought it would be food mining because I never thought.”
Asked for reaction to the gold rush, semi-retired botanist Jeremy Corbyn called for Cornwall to be nationalised, before drifting off into another of his celebrated naps.
Go southwest my son! You never know your luck! You might even get to eat!
”The call used to be get behind Brexit and push,” Davis added, “but now it’s pick up a pick axe and you might just eat!”