I P Standing’s (Hot Shot Hack Journalist) Secret Diary
Dear Diary,
It’s been hell I tell you…. hell!
Back in March I nipped out for a coffee with some new Russian friends in Salisbury, and I have been in quarantine for the last four months….
Has anything happened whilst I’ve been locked away at Porton Down?
Yes!
“Boris finally resigned from the foreign office,” whispered the LCD Views’ Murdoch look alike….”Now go follow up this rumour.”
I’m in the Wig and Pen in deepest Borchester. In walks the unmistakable frame of Boris Johnson. He looks sheepishly left and right and moves through towards the toilets. Intrigued, I follow in his footsteps. Just before the urinals he takes another door into the back yard and disappears into a large garden shed.
I creep towards a crack in the lattice boarding and place an ear to listen to the conversation.
“Right Arron what’s the plan?” the unmistakable soothing, dulcet tones of Boris.
“Boris, you are the leader we need to resurrect the party. I have the funds available from a friend of a friend, to mount the campaign. Money is no object. Will you accept?”
“You know my values Arron they are shallow and easily manipulated to ensure my name is spread across every newspaper…. Damn it man I’ll take it.”
I hear the spitting on hands and the sound of a handshake.
“Welcome to UKIP Boris, you will lead us to victory when May calls the next general election. Not long to wait….her own rabid backbenchers will topple her any day because she refuses to starve the middle classes as well as the poor.”
I scarper quickly back to the toilets and retch violently into the nearest ceramic bowl.
I need a taxi back to Porton Down and quick.