Radio talk show host and non-attending European parliament salary man Nigel Farage has vowed that he will return to football to lead England’s forward line the if current team fails to beat Sweden in their World Cup quarter final Saturday.
Speaking on his LBC chat show, “Drive-you-round-the-bend-time with Nigel Farage”, Farage promised listeners that if current forwards of choice Harry Kane and Jamie Vardy fail to do the business against the blonde haired blue eyed Scandinavians he will dig out his old togger boots and return to the position he gallantly held for Dulwich College juniors B team in the 1970s.
The seven times unelected MP and former leader of the fringe United kingdom Independence Party (UKIP), reminisced on air about his time as the team’s centre forward and leading goal scorer.
“…then there was the time I got my mate Arron to put on a grown up voice and call the opposition’s games teacher to tell him that the kick off time had been moved back two hours,” he laughed explaining how the cunning dummy had enabled him to score a hat trick within two minutes of kick off, until the ref had abandoned play and awarded Dulwich the match.
“Eighty Eight minutes left for a few crafty fags and a tin of Watneys Red Barrel round the back of the bike sheds – minty!” He added.
Commenting on his fitness to lead the England attack, Farage pointed out that the father of current first choice striker Harry Kane is Irish and had he been born in London today Harry would not have been able to claim citizenship.
“He’d be happier in Ireland – I mean look at that hair…!” he sneered, adding that second choice striker Jamie Vardy was clearly of Italian origin.
“Vardy, Vardini, Vardicci ? You can almost smell the spaghetti,” barked Farage adding defensively that his French surname was a genealogical anomaly caused by a distant Huguenot ancestor marrying a German.
“…and becoming more bloody English than any of that shower,” he added pointing out that half the England team were either born abroad or who, having parents who were born abroad, should never have been let in, in the first place.
“If they can’t manage to roast those bloody Swedes, let’s send them all back. I’m ready to step in, and return to the fray,” he added.
Called in to advise on the best way to roast swedes, TV chef and self styled smug self sufficiency successor to Felicity Kendal (aka Barbara Good), Huge Farting Wildebeest, suggested a no holds barred approach.
“Peel them, chop them, coat them in goose fat and a selection of home grown herbs, and stick them in the oven alongside the turkey,” he cooed.
“Better not mention Turkey to Nigel though,” he winked.