Esther McVey was said to be celebrating in style this evening after inadvertently misleading her way into pole position on the Tory party list to replace Theresa May as prime minister of Little England.
”She’s just smashed it off the scuffed spot and into the back of the net,” an aide to the DWP minister told LCD Views, the sound of rare champagne corks popping in the back ground.
”I can’t talk for long. Esther wants us to conga.”
It seems while most Tory MPs have been putting someone else’s house on Boris “the bully bullshitter” Johnson or Jacob “how they hell did Mr Hyde build a time machine” Rees-mogg to take the premiership when Ms May finally snaps with her internal build up of tension and bile, there’s been a dark horse.
”If you can drive already poor people into deeper penury, and potentially shorten their useless lives from sheer stress and Kaftaesque bureaucratic nightmares,” the aide said, from somewhere in the conga,
“whoop! Whoop! And you can double down by ‘inadvertently misleading’ parliament about an indepdent report on what a shower of pain you’re overseeing…”
(A break in the line there. We can hear the stamping of feet and what sounds like heavy panting.)
Hello? Please finish your statement so we don’t have to make up the rest of it like we’ve already made up the start.
”Sorry. Esther wanted a piggy back to the oysters. You should see this spread! She’s very confident.”
It sounds like quite the impromptu celebration!
”You’d never afford it on universal credit! It’s a good thing we were raised with Conservative values!”
A shower of pain you’re overseeing?
”Ah yes. She’s brilliant. Inadvertently misleads parliament and then a battery of Tory MPs no one had heard of are forced out all over a sympathetic BBC to spin about how you have to take her word for it, it was an accident!
“And straight face in parliament after she’s forced to correct a completely misleading take on official record and refusing the compiler of said report’s calls until he publicly shamed her. She’s perfect,
“Number 10 here we come. If she can demonstrate use of a shredder to protect influential party members when sex scandals are discovered, the competition are screwed.”
Esther McVey all the way! Do not take that enthusiasm as inadvertent support for McVey, like most, we wish she’d take her ‘inadvertent statements’ and go away.