UK prime minister Theresa May confirmed Wednesday that as yet there are no plans to rescue the English football team which has been trapped in Russian cave for the past 20 days.
A spokesman for Downing Street confirmed that the team in question had finally been located sitting on a muddy ledge outside the Spartak stadium in Moscow having been swept upstream from Volgograd on a tide of good fortune.
The spokesman confirmed that the team members and their coach are apparently in a weakened condition but otherwise in good shape considering the magnitude of their ordeal.
“We have managed to carry in a further eleven days worth of food and provisions but due to recent monsoon level downpour of nationalist sentiment, expectation levels are far too high to risk leading them out at this point,” he explained.
“Unless and until expectations subside to a reasonable level we will have to carry in scuba equipment and give them a crash course in diving,” he added explaining that it was something they would be familiar with but, will lack direct experience of.
“Except for the lad Pickford, he seems to have had a few lessons before and knows his way down to grass level already,” he explained.
Commenting on what sort of diet will be sustaining the team during their involuntary incarceration the spokesman confirmed that it had been planned to limit them to a diet of root vegetables, in particular swedes, but this was proving difficult.
“One problem we have faced is limiting their exposure to gammon. No matter how hard we try it keeps re-appearing; fat, clammy, red faced and dad-dancing like a drugged elephant at a wedding,” explained the spokesman.
One issue though has been resolved. On returning to the UK the trapped team will face a stiff grilling on their entitlement to re-enter the country.
“Apparently all but four members of the team were either born outside the UK or have parents who were born outside the UK so they will be obliged to prove their residence status before being allowed in,” added the official explaining that there were widespread rumours that illegal migrants may try to sneak into the country through unfeasible geological formations.
“Football it may be, but without the proper paperwork confirming its proper home, it’ll be “going” not “coming”,” he smirked.
The team is believed to have entered the cave system with their coach, having become obsessed with reports of a mythical lost treasure, mislaid 38 years ago in a similar cave system in Mexico, and which has become the subject of a number of bizarre Internet cults.
“Locating the lost treasure and re-uniting with the magical blue unicorns who guard it will help reshape the destiny of this country, and save its fish stocks, for the next 1,000 years,” explained former cult leader and leading piscine fantasist, Nigel Farage.