Boris Johnson responded to England’s world cup victory with a chilling rebuttal. “F*ck Panama,” he said.
Panama follows in a Boris tradition. F*ck business, f*ck anything in a skirt. Boris managed to trump Liam Fox, who was about to announce a stunning new trade deal with Panama. Presumably for hats, canals and papers. F*ck Liam Fox.
By contrast, freak Premiership winner Theresa May was delighted. “Today’s result shows the best of the English – I mean, of course, the British – on the biggest stage of all,” she said after the match, in her trademark Stephen-Hawking-meets-fingernails-on-a-blackboard voice. “Today we tamed the might of Panama. Tomorrow we win the World Cup. It’s a clear Brexit dividend. The prize money will be used to fund the NHS for years to come.”
The mood was buoyant all over Whitehall. Jeremy C. Hunt announced a free bag of saline for the next 100 NHS patients. Chris Grayling had a rare good day at the office by staying at home to watch the match. And David Davis was fully inebriated by the time England’s third goal went in.
An overexcited staffer at the DExEU was jubilant after the game. “I think it’s the best news we have had since the referendum!” gushed Sue Preem-Isolation. “This strengthens Theresa’s negotiating hand immensely, and means that David Davis is out of the way and can’t do anything stupid until he sobers up.”
Only Boris sounded a sour note. “F*ck business, f*ck Panama and f*ck off!” he grumbled, tearing up a betting slip. “England always slip up against the minnows! I had several million riding on that. Vladimir’s f*cked up royally this time. I need to have words with that popinjay crybaby Gazza!”
It is rumoured that Boris wants the England manager’s job for himself. His main talents are blustering nonsensically, and a complete lack of knowledge about football. He is, of course, perfectly qualified for the role.