Former Tory party leader and baked potato impressionist William Hague had made a dramatic statement about his drug use. He claims to be able to come off smack at a moment of his choice.
The one time Tory Boy has become an advocate for cannabis use recently. Cannabis, apparently, is good for pain relief.
“Yes, I have been easing my pain with pot for years,” remarked Hague. “It hurt me deeply to recall the embarrassment of my Tory Boy days. Thank goodness I grew out of it, unlike Jacob Rees-Mogg.”
LCD Views checked Hague’s assertion with medical expert Dr Anna Tomical. “Cannabis can numb you,” she agreed. “But it also causes memory loss. It is worse than alcohol, and almost as bad as red meat and cheese.”
We take it that you are a vegan Dr Tomical?
“Naturally. I would recommend it to everyone. Mr Hague would be much healthier and happier on a vegan diet.”
Does being vegan make you live longer?
“Probably,” she replied. “It certainly feels like it.”
“I don’t hold with namby-pamby veganism,” Hague counters. “I’m from Yorkshire! Yorkshire born, Yorkshire bred, Strong in t’arm and thick in t’ead, that’s me. Anyhow, my time as Tory leader was also excruciating, so I needed something stronger than cannabis. Heroin. That stuff gave me a real shot in the arm!”
Isn’t it horribly addictive though?
“I’m a Yorkshireman, I’m tough as old boots!” he said. “I could quit whenever I want to, but still the memories keep coming back.”
So you increase the dose?
“It’s the only way,” asserts Hague. “I take drugs to forget, to forget that I am ashamed, ashamed that I take drugs. It’s a perfect cycle, why do you think Liam Fox is eagerly making deals with shady South Americans? Theresa is on tranquillisers, Jeremy C. Hunt likes MDMA, and Boris sniffs up so much rubbish we nicknamed him Henry.”
But these drugs are illegal, why are you advocating drug usage?
“We have lost the war on drugs,” he slurred. “We lost, so may as well get over it and suck it up. Preferably through a bong. No point losing your head, when you can get off your head instead!”
At this point Hague excused himself, saying he thought he still had a functioning vein “downstairs”.
It’s ok to take drugs. Roll up! Roll up!