The receiver of the failed budget chain Poundworld has revealed that it will sell the core business as a going concern. For 99p.
Spokesman Penny Pincher for the receivers, Deplete Hiveoff and Sell, spoke to LCD Views.
“We will get the best possible deal for our shareholders,” said Pincher. “Given the current value of the pound, each item of stock will be sold for 63p.”
That doesn’t sound like a good deal to me…
“It’s like this. We are leaving the market,” Pincher declared. “This is the best possible deal. Many people appreciate a bargain. We are free, at last, from the tyranny of the High Street. Insolvency means insolvency!”
And the employees, what will happen to them?
“They knew what they were getting into when they applied for their jobs,” said Pincher. “No frills means no frills means zero-hours contracts and no redundancy pay. This is the benefit of dodging – I mean, circumventing – employment regulations. Less red tape means lower prices. And of course the business can scrape together enough cash to struggle on.”
What about the stores?
“Many will achieve closure. That’s good, right?” Pincher asked, rhetorically. “Empty units will cost too much in council tax, so they will be levelled and sold off as urban car parking. Everybody wins!”
Except the redundant employees. And the shareholders.
“Shareholders will get a generous dividend,” claimed Pincher. “Once our costs have been accounted for, naturally. Everyone will profit from the 99p we will raise from the sale of the business.”
Why 99p? Shouldn’t Poundworld sell for a pound?
“What, and be associated with all those other failures that sold for a pound?” she snorts. “Barings Bank, BHS, MFI and the Millennium Dome?”
Tell you what. We’ll bung you a fiver, buy the lot, and set up our own retail park in the Dome. Pop the penny in the charity tin. Cheers.