Disgraced actress Roseanne Barr is actually playing a very clever game. With Melania Trump AWOL, moves are afoot to install Roseanne as the new First Lady.
“The row about a supposedly racist tweet conceals Roseanne’s true motives,” claimed insider Lou Stung. “The timing is perfect. With Donald’s approval ratings tanking, he needed a distraction.”
What has that got to do with Roseanne?
“Donald is married to an immigrant,” explained Stung. “It doesn’t look good. Why do you think Melania went ‘missing’? She’s a thorn in his ideology. Donald needed a true, patriotic, all-American redneck girl, who likes burgers, at his side.”
Why was Roseanne so interested?
“You mean, apart from the burgers?” retorted Stung. “The salary is far better than what her own show can afford. After all, it’s just another acting job. The dodgy tweet was simply part of her initiative test. She passed with flying colours!”
The White House was quick to deny the allegation. “Melania is alive, well and tweeting,” gobsworth Di Versionary-Tactix told LCD’s Trump Trumpet correspondent. “She’s up at her window, waving, look! And here’s her latest tweet.”
Tearing our view away from the empty window, we read: “Hi! Melanie here! I see the FAKE NEWS MEDIA have been spreading rumors again. Melanie is not dead. It’s a LIE! And anyone who says it’s not a LIE is a traitor. Sad!”
Who could fail to be convinced?
“Oh, that’s just Donald playing games,” countered Stung. “A great, bigly big wedding is due to take place on the fourth of July. It will be beamed live to every outlet of Donald’s favourite burger restaurant.”
McDonald’s?
“No thanks,” said Stung, screwing her nose up. “They give me the squitters!”
American flags and MAGA hats are currently selling like hot McCakes, in anticipation of the most bigly supersize wedding of all time. Put on your trackies, and settle down with a Big Mac and fries to cheer them on.
And as they walk through the golden arches, give them a small… I mean, a big hand. Raise your McFlurries to toast Mr and Mrs Roseanne Barr!