The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.
”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,
“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”
So what are you doing then with this song?
“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”
Yours. It is a song.
“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”
So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.
“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”
LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.
But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.
To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.
This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.
You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.
‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.
I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.
But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.
Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?
I can do that.
I can do that. Yippee.
Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?
I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.
Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.
I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’
The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.