Prime Minister for now at least, Theresa May, is faced with many tough and unpalatable choices. This is par for the course for any PM, but Theresa is in the habit of ducking her challenges.
Without wishing to be catty, the hardline Eurosceptics in her party have dogged her footsteps all the way. Brexit, the white elephant in the room, is making her life very uncomfortable.
LCD Views caught up with May in an abandoned cowshed in the middle of nowhere. Although not among the select few invited to attend, two Bovine Impersonation correspondents dressed in a pantomime cow costume, and gained entrance by allowing themselves to be milked.
“Let me be quite clear about this,” said May in a voice that curdled the milk. “This country has a number of difficult choices to make, and my indecision is final.”
Which choices are these, ventured a sympathetic hack, as the pantomime cow let out a low moan.
“We have a number of options to consider,” May continued. “The Customs Union, A Customs Union, The Customs Partnership, A Customs Partnership, or a hybrid model. Of course these must be debated ferociously, and the needs of the realists balanced with the desires of the swivel-eyed loons. The buck stops with me, well it would but I just can’t help passing it.”
What about the Irish border, enquired another journalist. The pantomime cow gasped.
“There are plenty of options on the table,” said May. “Hard, soft, frictionless, technological. Or hard as possible, soft as possible and so on. The pros and cons of each must be passed back and forth endlessly, rejected time and again by the EU, until the final whistle blows.”
Then we crash out with no deal, exclaimed an astonished junior columnist. The cow stifled a shout.
“Yes. Or no,” replied May. “I’m not sure yet.”
But surely the country needs certainty, said an exasperated senior editor. “Yes! Yes!” cried the cow.
“That’s quite right,” May answered, as your fully-milked correspondents collapsed. “I am sure of one thing at least. It’s all Jeremy Corbyn’s fault.”