Expressions of sympathy were being sent to Theresa Mayhem Maybot today after revelations that a cabinet ouija board session not only successfully contacted former prime minister Margaret Thatcher, but a message was successfully transmitted during the session.
“It was frightening stuff,” Philip Hammond, Chancellor of a Shrinking Chequer, told LCD Views’ arcane arts specialist, “we drew the curtains late at night. Lit a candle. Got the board out that Margaret herself used to communicate with the devil during her premiership and…well, that’s when it happened. The curtains fluttered in a mystic wind and the board started spelling out a message to Ms May.”
Quite why the government has turned to occult practises to attempt to find solutions to complex policy choices is anyone’s guess.
“It’s not hard to guess,” Mr Hammond interrupted our scribe, “we’ve had thousands of civil servants under the cosh for two years to solve the problems thrown up by Brexit and we’ve got nothing. So we’ve turned to magic.
I’m against it. This is why you never hear of me. I’m spending my time at the pumps trying to stop the economic ship sinking, while these bastards keep drilling more holes in the hull.
I only hope I can survive it. Which is of course what all of the senior politicians across the divide who you don’t hear from are hoping.
At least we’re all millionaires, so whatever happens, we’ll be alright.
But if I can hold on until we get a new prime minister that is opposed to Brexit, I must just get to play with my big calculator in a fun way.”
But enough about you, what was the message?
“Oh, it was simple.”
Yes?
“Yes.”
Phil….
“Margaret said tell Theresa I’m waiting for her in Hell to discuss the value of the single market.”