Move over, roast beef. A recent poll has revealed that the new national dish of Britain, as voted for by you, the people, is gammon. 52% of voters decided that the image of Britain needed to change forever.
The pink, salty substance has increased in popularity over the last few years. Made from the rear end of pigs, the resemblance of social media loudmouths to gammon is startling.
To explain further, we asked celebrity chef Ollie James to put his snout in the trough for us.
We met at James’ latest pop-up restaurant, in this week’s trendy London postcode. Named ‘Propa Geeza’, should you wish to pay a visit, it specialises in what James calls “traditional English grub”.
“Gammon is a truly magnificent meat,” gushed James in broad Mockney. “Think pink! Propa pukka grub, innit? Boil for an hour, cover in honey and breadcrumbs and roast until it falls apart. Luvverly jubbly. Boosh!”
No garlic? we ventured. No jus, no wine, no bizarre ingredients?
“Nah, I leave that to Blooming Hestonthal,” drawled James. “Gammon is tasteless and fatty, and archetypically English. Here, try a bit!”
Customer Pat Riot was enjoying her dinner. “I love me gammon,” she said through a mouthful of meat. “I’ve got the Full English Special, with potatriots and lots of vegetables. I won’t have mustard, not since Colman’s moved to Germany, it ain’t right innit?”
“I pig out here every day,” she continued. “Ollie provides wi-fi so I can keep in touch with other gammon lovers and moan about idiots who won’t touch the stuff. ITS NATRUAL YU DUM F***,,, IF YU DO,,NT LIKE ARE FOOD THEN GO AWAY ITS THAT SIMPLE!!*/!”
A whistleblower has revealed that, during polling, Danish gammon producers paid for social media advertising in an attempt to skew the vote. Copenhagen Analytica have denied the allegations. Telling porkies in order to bring home the bacon? Doesn’t sound fishy at all.