The BBC has responded to increasing pressure from Lord Adonis, and pretty much everyone else in the UK who still cares about facts, by saying they have advanced and advancing plans to deal with the inevitable collapse of Brexit.
Apparently centerstage will be a ‘month of mourning’, lead by the cabal of ageing men with nests so well feathered they checked out intellectually from their jobs years ago.
“John Humphrys will shout WHY? WHY?! like a paid mourner for the first week from 6am till 9am every morning.
It will actually comprise the entirety of the Today programme for this first week, with the exception of Nick Robinson taking over Thought for the Day. He’ll tweet this onto Twitter and then block anyone who deconstructs his tweet.
After the first week Nigel Farage will be guest presenter and will sing the sounds of various motorised armoured vehicles from the 1940’s in what has been described as so good it’s insane.
It will all later be available as a high production recording which can be downloaded for free,” producer on Today, S Sands revealed, without revealing any information about that lunch she had with Murdoch, Banks, Fox and other interesting diners and why the BBC management structure is now stuffed to the gills with right wing media figures.
Although she did scribble on a piece of paper, so we’ve been told, ‘I love it when a plan comes together’.
Regarding the Brexit mourning month she was more forthcoming.
“You can have a look at one of the draft scripts, if you like?”
Of course we said yes and readily reproduce the excerpt below.
INT BROADCASTING HOUSE MORNING
A row of black, top hats next to a normal office sink. Normal in the sense it is jammed full of UKIP coffee mugs. They all need washing. There is a slug on the topmost one.
But there is one clean mug next to the sink. It has a Union Jack design and it’s sparkling.
JOHN HUMPHRYS stands before the sink.
John Humphrys (angry muttering)
The will of the people. THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE. Remoaners. If it wasn’t for those bloody remoaners.
In his hands he holds copies of The Daily Mail and The Express.
Behind him Nigel Farage leans against the doorframe. He is dishevelled. He looks like he’s been out on a bender with Satan, again.
Nigel Farage
Can I stay at yours after the wake John? Only, she’s kicked me out again. Can’t trust those Europeans. So fussy. It was just a slip up. I said it wouldn’t happen again.
John Humphrys
Not now Nigel. Not now. I’ve got to read out the papers.
John Humphrys pushes past Nigel Farage. He goes shouting,
John Humphrys (voice fading)
THE PEOPLE HAD A FUCKING VOTE. HOW MUCH ARE YOU PAID TO READ OUT THE TABLOIDS PEOPLE? WHAT DO YOU FUCKING KNOW?
Nigel Farage moves to the sink. He unzips his fly and tries to piss onto the mug with the Union Jack. His spray goes everywhere. He doesn’t touch the mug.
He stands there seething.
He swipes the mug off the counter. It ricochets around the kitchen like a bullet in an old western movie.
NIGEL FARAGE’S POV:
The Union Jack mug is flying at his face.
End Scene