LCD Views has the scoop today on great news for proper parliamentary procedure with the revelation that Hillary Benn is to hold all future sessions of the Brexit select committee in the taxpayer subsidised Commons bar.
”It’s to ensure that the Secretary of State for Ruining Britain, David Davis MP (for How?) stays for a proper session in future,” head of the select committee Hillary Benn told us.
”If we time it right for happy hours then David will be certain to turn up early too.”
State subsidised booze has long been recognised as one of the tangible benefits of being a member of Parliament, along with having your home bought for you and chargeable foot massages.
The decision to move the committee venue from One Guesswork Lane, Parliament Square, to the Fudge and Fcuk It, as the Commons bar is called, could herald a rebirth in accountability for the Brexit process.
”Davis tends to spill the beans only after he has a skinful,” Benn continued, “if I adopt the Blackadder approach of only drinking ‘extra strong ale’, or water, then I fancy before he discovers I’m not getting trashed he will let slip one or two things.
Although I suspect he really does know bugger all and is actually about as smart as 500g of mince meat, so maybe we’ll just confirm he’s as thick as two planks instead. As he gives few inklings of understanding anything substantial about the Brexit process.
But that makes sense, to put an energetic and intelligent person in as the symbolic figurehead would be to risk exposing Brexit for the hard right coup that it really is.”
Benn’s strategy is likely to work. It’s believed Davis is only at risk of twigging that Benn isn’t getting hammered with him at any point that Davis has an empty jar and Benn still has what appears to be half a pint of gin.
”I can’t go to the gents the whole time,” Benn advises, “because Davis will go all SAS reservist on me and drink whatever I leave on the table. That’s when he’ll catch me out.”
Asked if he couldn’t just take his pint of extra strong ale to the bathroom with him, Benn said no.
”Davis would follow me. He’ll think we’re moving the committee hearing into the gents so we can talk openly about the women. It won’t fly.”
As to David Davis’ feelings about the move?
”If a committee can’t change its venue to one with a cheap, state subsidised and well stocked bar then it ceases to be any damn use to me. I’m going to get the best deal possible on spirits, ales and lager.”