” Let me make one thing clear, in case I never make anything else clear,” Theresa May told a waiting country today, “Global Britain doesn’t need to be in the European Union’s surplus Galileo navigation programme, as the world revolves around us already.”
The announcement was timely, as some in the country, who perhaps don’t festoon their kitchens with Saint George flags, had begun to fret a little over the United Kingdom missing out on inclusion in the EU’s new navigation project.
“Futhermore,” May futhermored, “Galileo the heretic was patently wrong. The galaxy is clearly not heliocentric, as my government is proving right now with the air miles Liam Fox is generating, the world revolves around Global Britain. Further study even suggests it actually revolves only around the Tory party’s interests.”
This furthermoring was a further welcome relief to everyone in light of Donald Trump’s playful attitude to world trade.
“Once the United Kingdom has successfully Brexit’ed the European Union and Global Britain is free to assume its natural gravity I’ll personally be surprised if the moon doesn’t crash right into us.”
And she wasn’t finished there.
“We know exactly where we are everyday with Brexit, it has made GPS a technology of yesterday,” May added, “All you really need is a compass and a map where everything is pink again. As all roads will lead to London, you’ll simply need to know where London is to navigate. This will make navigation at sea much simpler.”
Not only that, but it will mean Global Britain’s loyal citizens won’t have to worry about falling out of the digital communications agreement and the return of roaming charges.
“No one from Global Britain will be roaming anywhere,” May added, “my government’s economic agenda will see to that. You’re all going to save so much money, you’ll be rich.”
To help everyone understand what is correct now text books on geography and physics are to be rewritten and reissued shortly.
“Each book will also include a special note by my boss Arlene Foster about dinosaurs,” May finished, “so that will be nice.”