The Secretary of State for Planking, Chris Grayling, was inhaled as a welcome breath of composting air last night as he dampened the chair normally reserved for Nigel Farage on BBC’s Question Time.
“I had to get out of a dinner date with a gammon sandwich for it,” Grayling told LCD Views when we interviewed him this morning,
“but it’s okay, I hired someone to hire a driver and hire a car and hire a specialist team to go buy some clingfilm and drive to the location where I was meeting the gammon and wrap it up for me.
After that they hired a helicopter and a security detail and took it to a subterranean cold storage unit in Bristol we leased at great expense for safe keeping.
The guards are still on the clock.
But I’ll keep my date unless I decide, even with sensible safeguarding measures, the bread is now a bit stale and bin it.
The taxpayer pays for all my decisions. How nice is that?”
Very nice.
Now Mr Gammon, I mean, Mr Plank, I mean, Mr Graylimb, you spoke last night about solving the hard border issues caused by Brexit, could you expand on that please?
“I have to correct you.”
How so?
“It’s the hard border issues that are being caused by the EU and their over reliance on rules based systems for dealing with complex arrangements involving multiple actors. It’s so old hat.”
I see. Good of you to explain that to me. But even with the unnecessary obstacles thrown up by the European Union, can you explain to us how the government intends to solve the external border issues?
“We won’t have any external borders. It will all be seamless. We’ve been telling you this for donkey’s years.”
But I thought taking back control of our boarders, and anyone else renting a room long or short term, was a key reason for Brexit?
“There is no reason for Brexit. Well, no good one, unless you’re a disaster capitalist who likes dressing up as a fascist for fancy dress parties and revels in the knowledge that you’re every decision is encouraging racists to slowly destroy the moral and ethical fabric of our country.”
Now I’m just confused.
“We’ve looked to the past to solve the future problems. In the past you couldn’t really control your external border and you were surrounded by enemies. We aim to recreate that atmosphere and to feel it in our very streets and homes.”
Now I’m even more confused.
“You will be as soon as you try and get into any English town or city after Brexit and find a great big f*cking wall in your way. ”
Secretary of State for Planking, Chris Grayling, thank you for your time.