The famous, mystical cliff edge towards which we are hurtling at the speed of one of Liam Fox’s expenses claims, is getting higher and higher. The fall will be longer and more magnificent than we at first believed. Higher means bigger means better means success, doesn’t it?
Pro-Brexit cabinet members were queueing up to waffle excitedly about this latest triumph. “The greater the height, the better!” boasted Boris Johnson. “Imagine the zip wire! It’s a phantasmagoricalitastic success for Britain!”
Chancellor Philip Hammond was characteristically guarded. “It remains to be seen if this is actually good news,” he said, cautiously. “Incidentally, the BBC has contacted my little brother Richard about making a series called Total Brexit Wipeout.”
Jacob Rees-Mogg spoke in his usual measured, plummy tones. “I’m getting a little giddy with the heights of success,” he opined. “Although it must be said that one does suffer slightly from vertigo.”
LCD’s Head In The Clouds correspondent attempted to get on top of the reasons why the cliff edge is increasing in altitude. After a good fifteen seconds’ worth of heavy googling, his analysis was: “The EU is getting a bit snotty over the Irish border.”
Oh, yes, the Irish border. That hard, soft, physical, virtual boundary that runs between Northern Ireland and the Republic and/or through the Irish Sea. This has led to the Westminster Uncertainty Principle, which states that, if you close your eyes and stick your fingers in your ears, the thing you wish to ignore will go away. If there is a border, but nobody is looking at it, does it still exist?
There may yet be more twists and turns to come on the Road To Brexit. Nobody knows whether the Road is straight or winding, wide or narrow, motorway or rutted farm track. Is it a ring road, a cul-de-sac, or a tangled mess like Spaghetti Junction in the dark with no road signs?
Enough rhetorical questions. We finish with an updated proverb: Pride comes before a cliff edge.