LCD Views has another scoop today after the reassurance we are the only global news organisation to have received the leaked U.K. draft guidelines for EU trade negotiations. We can tell you now that they reveal there are only two written words in the entire one thousand page document, “wing” and “it”.
We must confess to being shocked anything had been written down, but just as excited to have the scoop.
“We had to produce a fat document,” the whistleblower from DExEU explained, “the EU is always slapping these bloody phonebooks down on the table full of words, charts, numbers, projections, legal nonsense. It’s a bit daunting for David Davis.”
This is because David Davis has a unique way of negotiating, that serves very well for internal Tory Party politics?
“Yes. He gets insecure colleagues so drunk they’ll start to gossip. Once he has what he needs he says, ‘I’m just ducking to the chapel to alleviate the bursting mains’, and saunters off into the night.”
So why isn’t this tried and tested strategy working with Barnier and Junker, Tusk and the like?
“They can hold their liquor. Especially Junker. Fearsome. Never accept one of his wagers based on a drinking contest! You’d have to be insane. He’ll have the shirt off your back,” our insider says, “no, David Davis can’t use his only strategy, even if he could match them glass for glass.”
Why not?
“Because they aren’t concerned about his ability to influence their career trajectory. He can bluff and bluster all he likes, but he’s got nothing on them.
Actually, with Brexit, the entire UK can’t touch anyone of course.
You wait until we have our sovereignty that we never lost back, and start getting screwed over at the WTO by little countries no one has ever heard of, but who have not forgotten Empire 1.0. Brexit is just the beginning of the end, and it’s going to take a very, very long time.”
Well now he’s armed with a negotiating strategy he’ll be able to match them. He’ll be able to force Nissan and Airbus and the rest to stay in the United Kingdom after Brexit.
“I suspect those companies will make decisions based on where they can pick enough cherries to actually stay in business,” our whistler shrugs, “but at least now Davis has a tried and tested strategy he’ll be able to make it up as he goes along for the rest of the negotiations.”
So no change here then. And this was supposed to be a scoop! Let’s keep calling it one anyway. LCD Views advises Davis to go for the drinking contest! At least then he’ll be playing to his one strength.