These days the news of Donald Trump signing an executive order seems pretty old hat, but his latest has a more personal edge to it. At a press conference at the White House, he held up a bigly executive order forbidding adult film star Stormy Daniels from talking about an alleged affair they had in 2006-7.
“I’m just sick of that fake bitch opening her mouth and spreading all those nasty false rumours about me,” he told the assembled press with trademark tact. “So I’m putting a stop to it. She says I didn’t sign the agreement, well take that Stormy, I’ve signed this instead.”
“Instead” was a very Freudian slip, which some critics were quick to point out as being an admission that her recent claim is in fact true.
“It doesn’t matter what’s true,” Trump replied. “I’m president and what I say goes.”
Others were quick to point out that signing an executive order like that purely to gratify his own ego is the mark of a dictator rather than a proper democratically elected representative of the people.
“What are you talking about?” Trump retorted. “Say that again but in English.”
The criticism was rephrased as “it’s the sort of thing Kim Jong Un would do.”
“No he wouldn’t,” Trump replied, “because he can’t get the chicks. Not like me, I’ve got the hottest chicks you could dream of. Bigly hot. So hot you can only dream of them, but I can have them anytime I want.”
This led to the inevitable question of why make such a fuss about silencing one woman on the subject while simultaneously making such a brag?
“Because it never even happened. I did not have sexual relay – uh, sexy relay – uh, sex, with that woman. No way. She’s not hot enough to get the Donald. What a loser. Sad.”
So if it didn’t even happen why bother with the executive order, and indeed all the legal haranguing that’s been going on over the incident already?
“Because I don’t want to hear any more on the subject. Now get out before I set the NRA on you.”
Not being armed ourselves, we got out.
Ms Daniel was unavailable for comment. Sources close to her say she is going to ask Monica Lewinsky for tips.