“Paying people to tweet for the Conservative party is expected to be followed by paying people to vote for them soon,” LCD’s exhausted politics analyst revealed today, after a lunch meeting with head of Conservative digital strategies, Ben Bradley MP.
“It’s just a natural progression of allowing lobbyists and big business folk to pay to spend time with the prime minister,” our analyst continues, “and paying people to retweet for them? If you don’t have enough activists to obsesses about you on Twitter, you’re pretty stuffed, if the Russian porn girl spam bots aren’t prepared to put their tattooed shoulders to the wheel.”
The changes are welcome for the ageing membership of the Tory party, which is physically dying away at a rate that is alarming the party, and aren’t best known for spending 24/7 on Twitter or Facebook.
“It’s actually now an own goal to be slowly roasting the NHS to a hardened bean to be ground up and drunk like an espresso by private US healthcare firms,” Ben told our man, “if only we’d thought about it, we would have invested more into cryogenics.”
Once the retweeting army is settled in to their working hours of 9am to 5pm each day, the party is expected to move to the next stage of buying votes.
“The usual way is to offer some nonsense by the chancellor just before a ballot, like free kittens for people who only have aggressive dogs, but we’re going to go one step better and bring back the tradition of the ‘rotten borough’ by setting up new digital constituencies that only registered Conservative Party members and paid voters are able to cast a ballot in.”
LCD Views approves of the bold steps the Conservative Party is taking to revitalise the flagging institutions of democracy in the United Kingdom.
“This really is an exciting change that will build on years of doing exactly what Rupert Murdoch has told us to.”
Quite.