United States POTUS Donald Trump is to ensure his planned military parade passes by in style by spending $22M on new mansize gloves to wave on a totally non fascist parade.
“Why spend $22m on Medicaid for lazy, lazy people, when we can blow it on a completely, non-fascist parade?” Trump tweeted last night.
“And I’m getting the biggest gloves. You’ve never seen such big gloves,” POTUS rambled on.
“I’ve got thr bigliest hands. Bigger than Hilary’s. Bigger than Obama’s. Bigger than Kim Jong UN!”
The gloves, specially designed by glover Hugo Boss using patterns from the 1930’s, will cost more than the parade itself, but it’s a price worth paying.
We spoke to our only Whitehouse correspondent, the only MSM reporter still allowed in the Whitehouse press briefing room, to learn what else is in the works?
“All military exercises have been halted while the US army prepares for the parade,” General Fog reports, “The men and women of the US will need to make sure they walk in a straight line, straighter than any line ever walked by privates on parade before.”
High stepping too. One big jack boot after the other?
“Yes. A gaggle of marching specialists have been flown in from North Korea in a diplomatic breakthrough that hasn’t received the coverage it deserves.
This parade could eventually be seen as the moment peace in our time was secured thanks to the wisdom of Il Douche.”
Further touches show the wisdom of the mighty leader as loyal Trump supporters will be allowed to join the marching ranks of soldiers.
“They’ll be allowed to drive their pick-ups and mobility scooters within the parade itself, holding placards with their favourite Trumpisms.
This is the day the people get to speak in the way they haven’t been allowed to for many a day.”
And there’s a nice touch too as Melania Trump will lead the ‘MAGA! MAGA!” chant on the day.
“They’re gaffer taping her to a microphone right now. It’s going to be beautiful. It’s going to make America great again! Again!”
Get your marching boots on. And make sure they go at least knee high!