LCD has received word from the Ministry for Transport that Chris Grayling MP is about to leak an underwraps memo relating to the Isle of Wight and drastic changes to who owns it and how you get to it.
Our Westminster insider (no names no pack drill) reveals the likelihood of the re-nationalisation of the East Coast line is to be used to divert mainstream media interest away from one of the most exciting infrastructure developments in modern times.
“Grayling has succeeded in obtaining a commitment from Richard Branson (the railway billionaire who also likes buying up pieces of the NHS) to go for broke with the compulsory purchase the Isle of Wight, on the back of a promise from the Department of Transport to build a bridge to it, at its widest point.”
Why…I hear you ask? Is it because he just loves the island life? He just can’t wait to get there?
“It’s to do with Brexit,” the insider continues, “following the PM’s announcement that the UK is leaving the EU customs union, the Isle of Wight has been set aside as the new customs import and export entry point.
Why have lorry queues snaking all the way from Dover to London when you can carpark the Isle of Wight?”
Grayling will lay it out later in speech:
“This will make a perfect area to place the new UK customs screening facility.
Once we have cleared the existing housing there will be plenty of land for lorry parking while truck drivers await their chance to drive across the single lane bridge to dry land.
The narrowness of the bridge also means anyone attempting to sneak across the Solent will have to swim the Solent.
With four tides a day they are guaranteed to turn back, to the delight of Torykippers (who are the only voters we care about now), before they reach the mainland.
It’s a win, win! I’m personally very excited to have something else to make a success of. I believe this new infrastructure project can be completed in time to crash out of the customs union.”
Labour have yet to realise the implications of the memo, and the major transport change to the UK infrastructure.
Emily Thornberry has requested a map to see were exactly the Isle of Wight is relative to the UK mainland and promised to wake up Jeremy to comment.
LCD Views asked Richard Branson for a comment.
“Go away!… I’m still trying to find a builder to repair my caribbean island! And I’m not best pleased by all the laughing from the UK! I’m just a face. This isn’t my plan.”
As part of this sensible and sober plan to make a success of Brexit, the Isle of Wight we be renamed by the department of transport, to better represent its vital function as a place for goods and lorries to line up.
“We’re going to call it the Aisles of Wight from now on,” Grayling will say, “But we’ll have a competition to name the bridge.”