The scandalous story of the first year of Trump’s presidency is to be split into bite size chunks. Each episode will be condensed into 280 easily understood characters. This is believed to be for the benefit of the President himself.
Whoever is in charge of the White House press office this week will be in charge of dumbing down Michael Wolff’s prose. Their brief, allegedly, is to mimic Trump’s own simplistic literary style.
The White House has denied this. “There is no need to talk down to Donald Trump!” the man himself tweeted. “I am, like, really smart.”
When not sounding like a teenage girl chewing gum, Trump has been demanding, petulantly, that the book be suppressed. “This book enlittles the bigliest President of all time!” he tweeted. “One word: FAKE NEWS!”
A grand book burning event has been planned. This pleases the mighty intellect of the President. Rumours that the KKK has been appointed to carry this out have been denied. Fire And Fury will go up in flames.
The Trump administration has called for a day of celebration to commemorate the burning of Fire And Fury. “The slimy limey Brits celebrate a failed assault on their government,” said a spokesman. “So will we.”
The proposed day for celebration is publication day. “Our top poet is on the case. He has got as far as, Remember remember the fifth of January. The rest of the poem will be released as soon as we have discovered a word that rhymes with January.”
Opponents are hoping that the Twitter serialisation will keep Trump busy. One revelation in Fire And Fury is that Trump tweets during his hourly comfort breaks. They expect him to be too busy firing off incoherent rebuttals to ever get off his throne.
Trumps at both ends, then. Hell hath no Fire And Fury like a President scorned.