LCD Views

BLINDSIDED : The mood in 10 Downing Street is reported as “livid verging on creosote” today after the failure of anyone to take the blame for the worsening U.K. food supply crisis.

It’s believed the Prime Minister himself was “almost put off his quail eggs and caviar” this morning as report after report attempted to “bore him senseless” over the issue.

The problem appears to largely be the fault of the German automotive sector which is yet to “fulfil the great visionary David Davis’s prediction of saving Brexit” which now risks the real possibility of Mr Johnson having his “long lunch” interminably irritated by supply chain shortages.

“Everyone should rest assured the Prime Minister’s personal food supplies are unaffected, and will remain unaffected, by any Brexit teething problems impacting on supermarket supply chains,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “The Army is on standby to ensure he remains well fed.”

But that will be of little comfort once “a culprit is identified and the blame for the empty shelves is attributed” and said individual risks “waiting longer for a peerage”.

An inquiry is to be launched to determine why no one at all warned of the impeding crisis when “Mr Johnson was dicking about the French with his idea of brinkmanship”.

Happily the problems will shortly be resolved by “throwing anyone breathing into the cab of a HGV and ordering them to drive to Dover”.

There are no other negative impacts of Brexit expected and everyone can look forward to filling their trolleys to the brim again once “Priti Patel accepts that unwinding the end of Freedom of Movement is expected”.

LESS IS MORE : 10 Downing Street is making a strong move today to ease concerns over the collapsing UK food supply chain.

The need for determined action from the Executive comes as a result of no logistic expert ever warning of any possible issues with food supply following his chosen Brexit.

“To be honest Boris Johnson is deeply irritated that all the so called experts never once raised any concerns his form of Brexit could lead to difficulties for UK consumers,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and now he finds himself having to pick up the slack. The entire sector has let him down.”

And there’s a lot of slack to pick up as the food sector appears to be just “too chilled over the growing shortages in British shops.”

It’s said there is particular irritation that the sector doesn’t know its history.

“Mr Johnson is a famous historian,” the Downing Street source continues. “He’s particularly irritated that no one in the supermarket industry seems to be aware of the WW2 Atlantic convoys that fed Britain, or the fact it hasn’t been self reliant on food for centuries. Their ignorance is undermining his Brexit.”

Happily for hungry UK families Mr Johnson has a plan to boost morale until the mess is sorted.

“He’s signing an executive order which will force UK supermarkets to replace those dull cardboard shelf fillers with actual 3D holograms of food. They’ll be so realistic your mouth will water. He believes the moment your child’s hand passes through the hologram of an apple and discovers it’s not real will be a true moment of excitement. Gaping mouths and clapping hands are expected.”

The decision is also a boon to the UK tech industry which will have to rapidly “upscale” its “R&D” into holograms.

“Boris couldn’t be prouder about this tech based remedy if famous mega-genius Dom had thought of it.”

FREEDOM OF SHORTAGES : The media has been rabble rousing for days about a shortage of staff in several sectors, but in particular HGV drivers and hospitality staff. Happily Downing Street has worked with the Home Secretary to solve the crisis.

“We’re taking a several pronged approach,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “like some sort of super fork. That’s why we’ve called the initiative Operation Fork. We’ve put a fork in hospitality shortages!”

The ready availability of a slogan to promote the fight back, but no actual considered policy detail, will bring cheer to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be worried about closing British businesses.

“Ultimately it’s the responsibility of the great British public who overwhelmingly voted back in 2016 to have hospitality and driver shortages. Some traitors are saying it’s Priti Patel’s fault for ending Freedom of Movement without half a thought to the consequences. But that is wrong. The policy encapsulates her full thinking capacity on any issue, which is exactly half a thought. Which is thus a full measure in her half a pint glass. See? We should all be very proud.”

But critics within the government are said to think Operation Fork is a waste of taxpayer cash which should have gone straight into the pockets of a Tory Party donor.

“This is a problem which will resolve itself if the nanny state just keeps out of it,” Batshit Crazy, Tory MP for Any Constituency, told LCD Views. “It won’t be long before the HGV driver shortage means the hospitality sector closes anyway for want of stock. So why the handwringing over bloody foreigners? That’s not how you make a success of Empire 2.0! You make it a success by doing as we’ve been doing in the pandemic. VIP lane for cash transfers away from the public. Nothing else is an outcome worthy of focus. This is a damning loss of focus.”

Whatever the arguments the PM will still be dressing as a chef for a day sometime in the coming week, now his self isolation is over.

“He’s going to dress as a chef from the Muppets,” the Downing Street source confirms, “the reality of the situation is of no consequence so long as Johnson is enjoying himself. That’s really all that matters, to this government.”

IF IT AIN’T BROKE, FIX IT ANYWAY: Ice cold Brexit chief Lord Frost has issued the ultimate ultimatum. He is to tell his EU counterparts that, because they were so European, they forced Brexit on us, so now they must sort out the current deadlock over Northern Ireland. 

Frost has expressed “deep dismay” at the way the Northern Ireland Protocol, that he negotiated, and that Boris Johnson sold as “oven ready”, actually operates. 

“It doesn’t solve the problem of the Irish border,” Frost announced today. “There should be no border, anywhere. That is our priority!” 

But there is a land border, like it or not, with the EU. 

“There shouldn’t be!” retorted Frost. “This is Ireland’s fault for not leaving the EU with the rest of England, even though we told them it would solve all our problems!” 

Ireland said no, but you still went ahead regardless. 

“In full expectation that the EU would snap into line with us!” he snapped. “They failed to align with us, so the problems are theirs!” 

Didn’t the EU supply some solutions to the difficulties caused by the Protocol? 

“Yes, but they didn’t suggest what we expected them to suggest,” said Frost suggestively. “So we had to reject them out of hand. This intransigence is getting us nowhere.” 

At last, something we can agree upon. What if the EU managed to read your mind and offer everything you wanted? 

“No, that’s no good at all,” replied Frost. “The EU forced this on us, the EU must solve all the problems, and we must reject everything, because we suspect that otherwise the Germans will sneak something subtle past us to get their revenge for beating them in Euro 2020.”

Which means that your attitude guarantees stalemate, the obstacles will never be overcome, and the UK will sink into obscurity. 

“Yes, but that’s not important,” said Frost. “The real issue is making sure that the EU is to blame for the situation.” 

If it’s broke, don’t fix it, just blame somebody else?

“In a nutshell, yes.” 

HUNGRY BREXIT : Downing Street has issued a rare plea for compliance on behalf of the Great British public as the consequences of its choices come back to bite.

It’s believed the Prime Minister himself will dress as a supermarket shelf stacker today as reports of shortages of food across the U.K. flood social media.

“He’ll go to his local Sainsbury’s and stack the shelves with those amazing new cardboard shelf fillers that supermarkets are using to show where food used to be,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“It will be riveting viewing. There will be some gags along the way too. It won’t all be hard work. I reckon there’s an odds on chance of a reference to The Peloponnesian War too.”

The cardboard shelf fillers have become a stand out feature of grocery shopping recently as supermarkets attempt to reassure shoppers that there will be adequate food. But to some they look like the chalk outline where a grocery murder occurred.

“It’s important that everyone understands it’s not Brexit that is to be blame,” the source adds, “the Continental HGV drivers were always getting stuck in English villages because they used foreign satnavs. Instead of learning to navigate properly they gave up. It’s nothing to do with Brexit and Priti Patel ending freedom of movement once and for all.”

Additional causes of the food shortages appear to be the NHS app, which keeps telling people to stay home to slow the spread of the virus.

“That is incredibly irresponsible and works contrary to the let it rip policy we’ve adopted, although does help confuse people and muddy our true intentions, I grant you.”

However it’s a hidden flaw in the app which has been called out for doing the most damage.

“Giving people a 10% discount on grocery deliveries if they get pinged has been disastrous. In my opinion we need to spend another £37bn and have Dido redesign it to just be about viruses and not online food deliveries.”

A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR : DOWNING STREET is to “hit back” today at the lack of patriotism in the general population as the inevitable Brexit food shortages begin.

It’s believed concern has been growing within the executive for many weeks over what is perceived as a “lack of true grit” amongst voters which is threatening to “undermine the settled will of the people”.

It’s understood a special working group will be set up at “maximum taxpayer expense” to formulate “a plan with more roundabouts and u-turns in it than the Tour de France” to take the fight to “the British people”.

A poster campaign is planned on bus shelters and billboards with morale building slogans such as “weight loss is great loss” and “keep life moving”. As soon as a word that rhymes with “fasting” is found those two will also form the basis of a robust slogan.

“We can’t have all this moaning just because there’s no fresh fruit and veg,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People have had more than long enough to dig compost into their apartment balconies and prepare their own allotments.”

Mercifully supplies of fine food, delicacies and wines for MPs are not yet under threat.

“The RAF is on standby to airlift in whatever vintages we are running short of,” the source reassures, “and a special cash fund called ‘Liquid Emergency’ has been set aside so aircrew can purchase bottles directly from vintners on the Continent.”

The people however are reminded to be respectful of the “demands of high office and the requirement to keep well lubricated”.

“It’s important everyone blames the food shortages on Brussels or the pandemic,” the source adds. “It is of no consequence that there are no food shortages across the Channel. UK media never bother to look further than the White Cliffs of Dover.”

You can do your bit by stiffening your upper lip and giving your kids a “swift clip behind the ears” should they complain about cat litter replacing cereal for breakfast.

At no stage must anyone seek to undermine Brexit. Priti Patel will soon be making that a crime.