Category: Unsocial Media

IT’S TIME THAT WE SHOWED EACH OTHER A BIT OF RESPECT: There is no place for disrespect in politics. At least, that’s the case if you are talking about the party in power. 

The Minister for Culture, Innit, Nadine Dorries, is to oversee Operation Gobstopper. This will ensure that anyone found to be abusing their right to free speech (by criticising the government) is silenced. 

Clearly, respect flows both ways. But the government is by definition respectable. Lefties, who fail to appreciate the great works of the Johnson government, are therefore disrespectful. They deserve no respect, and Dorries is therefore well within her rights to tell them to f*ck off. 

“The moment The Left admit that we won, they lost, and therefore that we are right, then dialogue might be possible,” explained Department for Culture, Innit wonk Snowy Flake. “They just need to understand that. But if they will insist on bringing up the same tired, old rubbish about sleaze and corruption and democracy, then it is our patriotic duty to tell them to f*ck off. And Nadine is exactly the right person to do it!” 

Flake explained that it is not disrespectful to use bad language in the correct context. 

“The finest swear words have their place,” he said. “England is the only country under discussion here. Any reference to the treacherous tinpot realms beyond our English Channel will be repelled with English Anglo-Saxon expletives. It’s simply a question of patriotism. Bow down to Boris or get stuffed, that’s Nadine’s message.”

So Dorries will be Minister for Telling Lefties to F*ck Off, and the tabloids will lap it up. The press will become an even more antisocial media. 

A useful rule, in addition, that was sneaked out without fanfare, is that it will become illegal to contradict Nadine Dorries, or indeed anyone else in the Tory party. Naysayers will feel the full force of Operation gobstopper.

And any mention of Brexit will result in deportation. To Albania, Ascension Island, or somewhere else suitably foreign. 

LOST IN CYBERSPACE: Boris Johnson has officially declared the ‘pingdemic’ to be a thing of the past. He has issued an instruction to all government ministers to keep their phones on silent. 

“No pings, no pingdemic,” asserted government spokesdwarf Cora Lunesberg. “Boris has, once again, taken control in magnificent fashion. He has shown himself to be the greatest leader since Churchill, possibly of all time. So manly, so masterful… excuse me, I think I need a change of underwear.” 

It’s actually a double masterstroke. By muting notifications, ministers may legitimately claim ignorance of the coordinated messaging being issued under the radar. 

“This is totally normal in a modern, functioning administration,” claimed a suitably refreshed Lunesberg. “Boris is a safe pair of wandering hands, they can wander my way any time, I would love one of his double masterstrokes… excuse me again.” 

“Ping!” 

“Oh, that’s mine!” gushed Lunesberg. “I hope it’s the time of our next, erm, secret briefing session… no, erm… ‘Talk about the vaccines.’ Damn. Look, I need to nip to the Ladies quickly…” 

Obviously the message hasn’t quite got through yet. This is not surprising, given that the Chinese whizz kids formerly employed to manage MPs’ phones have all fled the hostile environment. 

“Get yourself jabbed if you haven’t had the vaccination yet,” continued a still slightly flustered Lunesberg. “And then get yourself jabbed again, once is never enough, Boris can jab me any time he wants to, I need all the vaccines I can get…” 

At this point the goons protecting Lunesberg decided that enough was enough. They escorted her to the Palace of Westminster to administer a cold shower. 

As usual, an announcement has been made with absolutely no thought about how it would have to be carried out. 

Ignorance of the law is no defence. Unless, ironically, if you are in charge of making those very laws. 

MASS MIGRATION: Many Tory MPs and right wing commentators have had enough of certain social media networks. They are concerned about the amount of racism on Twitter, and feel that there isn’t enough.

Trouble is, on Twitter you get all these snotty snowflake lefty Telegraph reading types who disagree with you. This is not good for democracy, argues at least one Tory MP, who has abandoned Twitter for good. Instead, he is now spouting his bile on the Trump-friendly Parler platform.

“Free speech is vital for my ego,” claims Tory MP Rich Liszt. “It is important that I make my points on social media without a pile-on from loads of traitors and bleeding heart BLM whingers deflecting from my core message. This is why I am now on Parler.”

In other words, you just want an echo chamber where everyone will agree with you?

“Not at all,” said Liszt. “I didn’t come into politics to have a debate about what are, after all, traditional British values. I want to remind the great unwashed of the right and proper way to think!”

Isn’t dissent good for debate, sharpening up issues, compromise?

“What are you, some kind of subversive?” growled Liszt. “We don’t want people to think. We want them to get angry and then react.”

Like your followers, who find a picture of a woman enjoying an ice lolly offensive, but are fine with a pissed up yob urinating next to a memorial?

“Exactly the sort of people this country needs,” agrees Liszt. “This is a platform to discuss good, old-fashioned British attitudes. Where dusky types know their place, which is either Nambia, or else cleaning my mansions!”

On a zero hours contract, no doubt.

“Contract?” exploded Liszt. “They will do as they are told, since they would be my property. White people matter, and we need to Take Back Control from all the dirty foreigners polluting this great country with their disgusting liberal ideas!”

Just wait until he finds out that the word Parler is actually French.

Safety first! The new virus advice that’s going viral is self diagnosis followed by announcing the result on social media.

This appeal to the traditional British blitz spirit is the most homemade policy yet. All the loyal patriotic people have to do is answer a short series of questions, which are even simpler than the citizenship test.

First, do you feel ill? Secondly, if so, are you just a bit peaky or proper poorly? Finally, if the latter, do you have an irrational desire to bulk buy toilet roll?

Anyone capable of completing the quiz and answering “yes” to the final question is required to mark themselves “safe” on Facebook.

This move is designed to placate the public and save untold amounts of public money. This slush fund thus remains available for Tory MPs and their cronies to plunder as they wish.

Hidden deep in the small print attached to an emergency compulsory Facebook update is the following statement. “By marking yourself safe from coronavirus, this negates the validity of any future claim to have contracted the disease, so don’t expect either sympathy or treatment, suckers!”

In this way, the government has, at a stroke, relieved itself of any responsibility. This means it can return to its core business of selling arms to dodgy characters in the Middle East, then bombing them anyway.

Will self declaration be effective? “It’s no worse as a strategy than, say, purchasing tonnes of pasta,” quacked Dr Penny Sillyn. “Cheaper, too. And think of the placebo effect! It’s mind over matter. Believe yourself better!”

Comprehensive investigation, in other words spending more than five minutes on Google, revealed that Dr Sillyn was a false name, and that she was not even a real doctor. In fact she seemed to be married to, related to, or shagging many of the shady political influencers domiciled in Tufton Street. So absolutely no conflict of interest there.

LCD Views, equally medically qualified, advises stockpiling wine and self medicating. We cannot take responsibility for any hangovers which may result. Oh, and mark yourself safe while you’re at it.

Brexiters, breathe easy. The impending recession has been averted by banning all remainers from social media.

“I can get on with believing in Britain without factual distractions,” said a relieved Boo Morbust, of Wuncher Bankers. “Now the doom and gloom merchants have been removed from Facepalm and Twittalk, I can get on with shorting the pound free from bleeding heart negativity!”

The decision has given the economy a massive boost. Remainers, no longer able to engage in online debate, have had to suck it up instead of talking the country down.

“It’s excellent news,” continued Morbust. “Now I can go back to spending the working day charging exorbitant interest rates and watching cat videos!”

All is not as it seems though. Buried in the pink ranks of the Financial Times is the news that the pound is now worth the same as the Euro. There is a super injunction out on the British press which means none of them may print any potentially anti-Brexit news on the front page. Instead, the FT is pointedly leaving the front page blank.

“Devaluation of the pound is good!” insists Morbust. “Devaluation means worth less, so everything is cheaper! It’s economics innit. I got a grade F at GCSE, so I know what I’m talking about!”

With no dissent, then, recession should be avoided. After all, if a recession occurs, but nobody is allowed to say so, has it really happened?

“Everything will be easy peasy!” confirms Morbust. “If nobody contradicts a statement, it must be true. Therefore, if we say business is booming, then it is, because nobody can say otherwise. We say, you’ve never had it better, and hey presto! it’s true, even if it isn’t! Win!”

Remember that, next time you queue with your brand spanking new blue ration book. Remember to say your ‘Hail Boris’es with feeling or you won’t get your two ounces of rancid butter.

WHERE DID THEY GO : The EU has reportedly blocked all United Kingdom social media accounts today, just in case Boris Johnson becomes prime minister.

“It’s so he can’t message us,” Donald Tusk told reporters outside the EU parliament earlier today, before shrugging, “we thought it best to block him now, just in case. I’ve also told Michel to take the phone off the hook and return any mail to sender, unopened.”

While the move was expected, with the major figures in the EU already driven to exasperation by outgoing prime minister Theresa May, Mr Johnson’s supporters were doubtful the EU will stick to it.

“It’s just their opening negotiating position,” Johnny Mercer told Andrew Marr, “once they see the range of filters and emoji’s Mr Johnson is prepared to litter his messages with, I’m sure they’ll rush to unblock Boris, even if he does send them a series of johnson photos while pissed.”

The risk of the favourite to replace Theresa May sending inebriated willy pictures to senior EU figures is believed to be high, and part of the reason why he has been blocked.

“We are sorry for the remainder of British accounts who will not be able to send messages to us,” Mr Tusk sighed, “but the risk of Mr Johnson hacking someone’s account is too high.”

He did add that as soon as sanity returned to UK politics they will unblock everyone else, but Boris Johnson, Michael Gove, Dominic Raab, Esther McVey, Nadine Dorries, Jacob Rees-mogg, Penny Mourdant, Rory Stewart, Iain Duncan Smith, Nigel Farage, Damian Green, Sajid Javid, Jeremy Hunt, well, the list is fairly exhaustive.

“It’s only a matter of time before Mr Johnson comes off the rails in the leadership contest and starts messaging us asking for help,” Mr Tusk told reporters, and shrugged, “well he can go whistle.”