Category: Tory Tory Tory

ALL FOR ONE, AND ONE FOR ALL: Disgraced former Prime Minister and (allegedly) current pig fancier “Dodgy” David Cameron is under investigation. To ensure that the correct conclusion is reached, an old corrupt crony of Cameron’s is to compile the report.

The conclusion is the tricky part. Does the government wish to exonerate one of its own; or does it wish to throw Cameron to the Fleet Street lions in a blame shifting dead cat manoeuvre? Either way, the evidence will be found to support whichever conclusion is chosen.

To this end, the report will be produced by a man who is (also allegedly) up to his neck in the same filth, Sir Fitt O’Spondoolix. It takes a crook to catch a crook, as the saying goes these days in Westminster.

Or indeed to find a crook completely innocent and deserving of a 40% pay rise.

Either way, Cameron is reported to be cowering in his shed, writing the latest volume of his memoirs (David Cameron: The Nick Clegg Years).

Regular Westminster watcher Phil Inderblancs was willing to speculate wildly. “It’s clear a crime has been committed,” he guessed. “That’s why there’s going to be a report. But think about this. What’s the crime?”

Inderblancs paused for effect, sipping from an inter-lockdown pint.

“Is it corruption? No way,” he said confidently. “That goes on all the time, and they are all in on it. It’s not cronyism for the same reason. No, the problem here is that old Dodgy slipped up and got found out.”

Another meaningful sip of freedom.

“So they will either throw Dodgy Dave under the bus, or sweep the whole lot under the carpet,” he concluded. “Ultimately Dave is one of the lads, so as soon as the whitewash comes out, they will be in the market for a very large Axminster and some expensive brooms.”

Nothing to see here. Nothing at all. Time to move on. 

PENT UP : The Prime Minister of England, Boris Johnson, has addressed the nation over the changes to restrictions on day to day life. These are a result of his intellectual and emotional inability to pursue an elimination strategy for the pandemic. Such a strategy could see normal life resume within our borders within weeks, as it has in numerous countries. But no.

We’re exceptional. And don’t you forget it.

Appearing at the chipboard podium, set impressively on a floor of secondhand acrylic carpet squares, he first smirked, winked, fumbled with something in his trouser pocket, and then got stuck in.

“People of England, we’re so close now to ridding our land of the virus,” so far so good, “But we notice that the Kent variant is raging, among others, on the continent. This is an opportunity too good to miss.”

The keeping of a low level of community transmission of the potentially lethal virus is important to whoever is supplying the millioms and millions of lateral flow tests.

“From April 12th you may go to the hairdresser, you may go and stand outside the pub. Essentially you can do everything you would like to again, while we pretend you’re not doing other things.”

Here he smirked. Winked. Ruffled his hair. Made some odd hand gestures. Wondered what he was doing with his life for an hour, with the sort of vacant and confused stare a pet dog has seeing a family cat given a prized morsel. Then he continued.

“And I say to my colleagues in particular. I know it has been difficult, stuck at home with your families at one of your homes, for so many months. Well, now is the time to unbox the burner phone and text her, or him, or them. Get back into it. Remember that no one has to resign for any impropriety so long as they support my project. Resume your affairs! With colleagues or whoever. And put what ever you like on expenses. We will pick up the tab!”

At some point there maybe a public inquiry over misuse of public funds, but it will determine it’s time to move on.

“But just remember, don’t start shagging each other outdoors again until April 12th. Thank you.”

DEDICATED TO JAMES WILD MP : EXCITING NEWS for patriots today with the announcement from Downing Street that the UK 2021 Census is to be redone.

The decision to retake the national fact finding exercise comes after sharp eyed Tory MP James “Unchained” Wild made a shocking discovery.

“He’s so quick on the draw,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Millions of people filled in the census but the only one to realise it was a fundamentally flawed exercise was James. There we no Union Flag symbols anywhere. It’s a national crisis. We don’t know who we are as a people without them. We’re thinking of giving him a cabinet position. A whole new ministry of patriotism maybe. His place in the history books is now secured.”

While some would expect Tory MPs to be concerned over the thousands of food banks that have grown in their years in government. Or maybe the risk of the breakup of the actual UK caused by Brexit, thus rendering the Union Flag obsolete. Or maybe whether or not we should sell arms into the world’s conflict zones, and then moan about refugees turning up. James is on the money.

“Obsession with national symbols to maintain an edifice of credibility is vitally important as the country moves into complete bin fire stage,” the source confirms. “James has done us all a service. It doesn’t matter what the quality of life is in the UK. It doesn’t matter if our trade is withering fast. It doesn’t matter if over 120K have died avoidably during a plague. What matters is flags. Focus on the flags.”

History will remember their deeds in a time of national crisis. Mr Wild MP has ensured he too will get his own little footnote under the chapter, “The UK – My Part In Its Downfall”, which will feature the recorded efforts of the country’s elected representatives as it failed.

All hail James! Flagshagger MP extraordinaire.

CAN’T CANCEL THIS : DOWNING STREET is under unfair and relentless pressure to explain how it managed to spend £37bn (so far) on a Track and Trace service that appears not to be fit for purpose.

“The best people aren’t cheap,” a 10 Downing Street source explained to LCD Views. “And mediocre people who have no idea how to set up and run the service? They are really, really expensive.”

It seems the questions though aren’t relenting anytime soon, especially in the face of the scale of the lives lost in the UK, and the fact that hundreds are still dying daily even as schools reopen.

“Unpatriotic people without Union Jack flags in their living rooms are trying to cancel us,” the source continues. “Well, they’re trying to cancel some of those bank transfers. But we won’t let them. We’ve made commitments to our friends in businesses unrelated to health care and we intend to stick to them.”

Downing Street has more to call on too. It’s not just it’s principled and generous nature that it can stand on and trample.

“It’s essentially a free speech issue. What does a government do but express itself in the way it cares for its people. And that expression is done with the people’s money. So it follows to try and criticise us, to try and shut us down in our expression with £37bn gone to a barely working Test and Trace, then people are trying to cancel us. We won’t have it. We’ll spend more billions for sod all just to prove it.”

FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE : The UK’s big hearted, big dreaming prime minister is famous for his championing of worthy causes. Not a day passes when he isn’t trying to make the world a better place for someone, mostly someone anonymous.

“Now he’s looking closer to home, which is nice for a change,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s identified a truly noble cause and he just can’t help himself.”

The plan, it is rumoured, is to do what he has done so successfully for architects of bridges and submarine tunnels.

“As long as money moves into needy pockets outcomes aren’t important. Classic conservatism. It doesn’t matter if one person undeserving receives help, just so long as you care about them enough to get them the cash when needed.”

And while the planners of giant, unfeasible infrastructure projects have now well and truly taken care of by the prime minister, there is one needy person who is too often neglected.

“The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson will be world beating. Ramped up charity offering a gold standard service for the focus of the charity.”

Yes, that’s right, Boris Johnson is now turning his caring mind to himself, after a year of agony in which he was pretty much immobilised by indecision in the pandemic.

“His latest fiancé is the driving force behind it,” the source confirms. “Did you see her choice in wallpaper and furnishings? Boris had a permanent nosebleed now and needs money for private specialists to fit him with some extremely dark glasses so he isn’t constantly smashed in the face just moving between rooms. And it’s hoped there maybe a little left over if the public is generous for a holiday somewhere nice.”

The Boris Johnson Charity for Boris Johnson – it’ll help take his mind off the 130,000 dead people on his watch, and if it’s talked about enough it’ll help take your mind off them too.

A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL : The United Kingdom’s last prime minister, Boris Johnson, has revealed the beginnings of a midlife crisis made him enter politics.

Some would say that as he was already expressing that by infidelity with younger blondes, maybe he could just have bought a sports car and saved us all a lot of trouble?

But while Boris Johnson is likely to win a “No Shit Sherlock” award for his revelation, people are asking what was the motivation for his partner in crime, Michael Gove?

“It’s quite straightforward actually, like everything about me,” Michael Gove told LCD Views over Zoom.

For the interview Mr Gove choose a backdrop of a medieval torture dungeon and a soundtrack we couldn’t recognise, but was later understood to be a bag of Saint Bernard puppies being thrown into a fire. Again and again.

“One morning I was trying to work out how I could inflict the most suffering on my fellow man and I settled on politics. Although I would be lying if I was breathing. I mean, if I didn’t admit I received an offer too good to refuse.”

We inquired if he had a detailed plan when he made the decision? And who made the irresistible offer?

“Not really a plan as such, but with an overarching aim of causing pain that wasn’t necessary. The devil made the decision for me. He made me do it. He visited me in a come down fever dream after a particularly ebullient night with the Bullingdon Club and offered me total power on three conditions.”

And what were they?

“I had to work for his earthly incarnation Rupert Murdoch. I had to pledge to inflict maximum damage on the truth. And finally, I had to give him my immortal soul.”

Your soul? Isn’t that a bit steep?

“Not really. My soul is impressively cheap.”

WHAT IS THE OPPOSITE OF AWAKE : Britain’s famous liberal prime minister has a culture war to win or he risks losing the support of the intellectual and cultural heavyweights that comprise the modern day Conservative and Unionist Party.

“We’re the real victims here,” an aide to the prime minister told LCD Views. “We have pretty much total compliance from commercial media, the BBC is riddled with our plants, we’ve only an 80 seat majority and a Parliament so toothless it keeps extracting its own teeth and handing them to the executive, the official opposition won’t even talk about Brexit as they also bizarrely voted for it, and we really don’t know where to turn for support.”

And support is needed as the party that has been in power now for over a decade needs allies in its culture war, or there’s the risk a statue of a slaver may get pulled down.

“Between you and me though we don’t really want to win the war on woke, just a series of battles over and over. If we don’t have people arguing over intangibles, sufficient to obscure the national landscape, people may start to ask how a party that oversaw one of the world’s worst avoidable pandemic death tolls should get to carry on in power?”

But thankfully they do have a strategy and it’s likely to be a successful one.

“You see what we’ve done to asylum seekers? You see how we’ve been allowed to get away with it? That’s key. We’re going to be even bigger bastards. Even bigger bigots than before. And the confused people of Brexitannia are going to go along with it. There is no one we won’t persecute to stay in power. And with our willingness to pass laws to enforce compliance of thought, you’re all going to love it.”

BONNIE PRINCE BORIS : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, BORIS JOHNSON, IS HEADING TO SCOTLAND TO ASSIST NICOLA STURGEON IN HER QUEST FOR SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE.

Even before the deep thinking membership of the Conservative and Unionist Party elected Mr Johnson as the UK’s unelected, unaccountable, incredibly thoughtful divine ruler, Mr Johnson had put in strides to create a customs border between England and Scotland.

“He’s going to launch his bid to push Scotland out of the Union at Culloden. He understands his history. He wants the correct backdrop when he begins to do his idea of speak,” a 10 Downing Street aid told LCD Views. “He’ll be garbling some Burns and will probably recite some poetry he’s written himself describing the Scottish as a verminous race. He’s hoping no one will realise he’s just recycling some of his old columns.”

The trip north is well timed too, as the government is currently pumping out “Stay At Home” messages by the truckload, seeing as all the trucks in the UK are empty of other freight. Thanks to Brexit. With any luck some of his entourage will test positive for Covid while on tour and they’ll all have to stay in Scotland for weeks. This will give them the time to bring English nationalism to the Scots in all its outward looking acceptance of difference.”

And he will be making quite the spectacle of himself.

“He’s having a special outfit tailor made for the Scottish fling. A high visibility kilt, but with Edward 1st’s heraldry instead of tartan. That will make quite the impression.”

It’s understood the Prime Minister will also toss a caber while he’s north of the border. But only if they can get a small child to stand still long enough for it to land on his head.

The tour has been codenamed “Oven Ready Haggis” and is certainly to give the SNP a boost.

DIGGING EVER DEEPER : WELCOME APPLAUSE IS HEADING THE WAY OF THE PRIME MINISTER THIS EVENING AS BRITS WILL ONCE AGAIN STAND ON THEIR DOORSTEPS.

Boris and zero hours contract Carrie are expected to also be involved, although they will be standing in humble recognition of the thanks they are to receive. Whether or not Dylin the prop dog will be present too isn’t yet clear, as it’s understood negotiations over a new contract are yet to conclude with his casting agency.

Until now the NHS and other slackers have hogged the limelight in the fight against the virus, with little appreciation given to the man who has done so much to orchestrate the UK’s world beating response.

“That changes today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we are urging all Britons to stand on their doorsteps at 8pm this evening and give a shout out for Boris.”

There will of course be clapping too, as is traditional.

“Try and clap in time with your neighbours,” the source urges, “to create the biggest impact in your neighbourhood. But please come together before 8pm and synchronise your watches so you can all be ready to shout on time at 8pm.”

The shout itself will draw on tradition and the famous plagues of yesteryear.

“Bring Out Your Dead! – it’s a British classic,” the source adds, “and given that Victoria Atkins said on TV this morning that it’s a fine line between protecting the economy and defeating the virus, there is clearly going to be a lot of dead left to bring out!”