Category: Tory Tory Tory

TICK TOCK : The Institute for Wellbeing During Times of Madness has concluded today that they need a snappier name. Happily they’ve also revealed the results of a study into karma.

“Karma, as it is understood in Western popular culture, is really slow,” lead researcher Professor Aargh told LCD Views. “In fact there seems to be an inverse relationship operating. The better a person you are, as defined by your concerns for other people and especially people you don’t personally know, the faster karma serves up. The worse an individual under the same criteria, the slower karma approaches.”

The study will not come as a huge shock to anyone living in Brexitannia, given the epic scale of shithousery that has been sprayed over the country for many years now with few of the antagonists suffering any negative fallout.

“I would not get too dispirited,” Professor Aargh advises. “The story of David Cameron tells you that karma will eventually arrive. We suspect the sloth like nature of retribution is because bad actors need to fall out with one another in order to call it down. Good people could achieve the same end but they appear more interested in purity contests, and so don’t organise as a collective until the situation is epically grave.”

The Professor further advises patience with a note of sobriety.

“If a political party refuses to remove bad actors from its ranks than the voters have to do it for them. If the voters refuse to do it then karma is actually visiting them daily in small ways that mount up eventually into an avalanche. Priti Patel is a prime example. GE after GE she is returned to escalate her terrible work when it’s as clear as the nose everyone has cut off their face that she should have been removed from political life long ago.”

The Institute is next going to focus on Rupert Murdoch specifically.

“Look at him, he’s now older than time and rules any country he’s allowed to publish his mind bending hate rags in like the Emperor in Star Wars. This shows an interesting feedback loop. If the people allow a poisoner to daily visit their well then the people will be poisoned. The poisoner thus appears protected. This likely means that whilst everyone wants karma to be their friend, karma is in actuality a bitch.”

BRING ME MY CHARIOT OF FIRE: Well-connected chums of the Tories running Britain for personal profit have spotted an opportunity. Since British farming is to be sacrificed in the name of Australian mass-produced boeuf à la hormone, there will soon be an abundance of green and pleasant land.

And all these expanses of soon-to-be vacant real estate comprise a business opportunity beyond compare. Buy up redundant farms at a knock-down price. Cover with houses. Sell for a massive profit. Hang on to a handful to provide a bit of pocket money. Sorted.

LCD Views’ Green Belt? What Green Belt? correspondent, investigated.

Typical of the type of developer is Jerry Bildt-Holmes. A wealthy Tory donor, he has allegedly already been promised large tracts of Wiltshire. “It’s a fantastic opportunity,” said Bildt-Holmes. “This is once in a lifetime. My companies are well placed to take advantage of this new availability, and we can sell it to the public as a way of solving Britain’s housing shortage!”

Is this building Jerusalem, or dark satanic mills?

“That makes absolutely no sense to me,” replied a confused Bildt-Holmes. “All I know is that the arrows of my desire will shortly be finding their mark.”

And how come you have – allegedly – been promised such a large amount of the countryside?

“Chap I know told me about it,” he answered. “Matt somebody. He’s pretty high up. Sold me a hospital the other day. Another absolute steal!”

And the price was right, I take it?

“It was a massive bargain!” crowed Bildt-Holmes. “And Matt knocked 75% off the price after I bunged the Conservative Party fifty grand.”

This must be what the Countenance Divine shining forth on our clouded hills must mean. Sunlit uplands indeed.

Those feet in ancient time may have walked upon England’s mountains green, but not for much longer. We will jerry-build juicy profit making on England’s green and pleasant land.

IT COMES NATURALLY : A British-American man has spoken today of the great “lengths and strides” he is going to to fulfil his destructive potential.

The list of damage is now so impressive it is accurately described as “world beating” especially in the areas of national reputation and heft, trade and avoidable pandemic death count.

The man has not been described by friends, as he doesn’t really have any, but close witnesses have said he has “A reverse Midas touch that just instantly turns anything he touches into shit and destroys the dreams of anyone in the vicinity,” although clearly the actual Midas touch would serve just as well for his purposes.

But defenders of the man have said he is actually a top secret, British military weapon of mass destruction in the “advanced testing phase”.

It is to be hoped this is the case, given he clearly has country destroying potential once a target is acquired.

“The only problem with this long running field test is that we accidentally aimed the weapon at ourselves instead of a dummy target. Which we admit was pretty stupid.”

In their defence they do offer the following justification.

”The BoRiS Weapon is so outlandish and unrefined it never occurred to us that any healthy political system would not have intervened early and hit the self detonation switch. We did build that in as a fail safe for the test phase. The weapon actually keeps hitting it itself, but onlookers just cheer and think how funny he is.”

And the only target the weapon is so far unable to destroy is the Tory Party, who just keep cashing the cheques exploding from the epicentre of national disaster.

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A DOSE OF PLAGUE PLEASE : Great news today with the pubs refilling after months of closure. And it’s not just a great step forward for punters, it proves that Boris Johnson’s government is making a success of managing the pandemic. Ignore the naysayers and get the rounds in. The catastrophic bungling of the pandemic so far has the hospitality industry on its knees. You have to do your patriotic duty and save it.

“Clearly the spread of the Indian variant need not concern anyone,” a 10 Downing Street herd immunity advocate said. “Get stuck in! Just remember to maintain social distancing when you’re blathered.”

Whether or not the next stage in unlocking should have been delayed until the extent of spread of the new, more transmissible variant is understood is really only a subject of discussion for anyone paying attention.

“Look at the polling numbers! We’ve a country so gaslit now the government can get away with anything. 150,000 dead? What’s that? We gained council seats in the recent elections. It validates our management. It’s not fair to accuse us of being disinterested in detail. A hell of a lot of effort was put into print last year to undermine the sanctity of life. It’s only old people who are dying, so who really cares? Even old people were saying it. Managing the narrative is the first step, some time after that we get to the virus.”

Mercifully the tabloids are already setting out the stall of blame for any failure from central government. It will be the public’s fault. You can be sure of it.

“We don’t elect representatives to bore themselves senseless learning about risks to public health and mitigating them. We elect them in 21st century Britain to provide a VIP line for uncontested contracts. It’s a well oiled machine, just look at some of the chancers who’ve received multi-million pound PPE contracts.”

Hopefully the vaccine roll out will get in front of the virus and there won’t be a need for another national lockdown. If we’re lucky the avoidable fatalities that are now trickling through the morgues with the preventable spread of the Indian variant will stay at a level that is politically feasible for Mr Johnson and his government.

“We maybe out of the woods now. No one knows. Just be happy we didn’t keep you locked in for a relatively brief period last year like some other countries who pursued a policy of elimination. We have a lot more suspense in day to day life here.”

Just to be on the safe side though if you haven’t decided what path of self-improvement you’ll take in any future lockdown, while you’re raising a jar and tasting freedom in liquid form will be a good time to discuss it.

WHEN SHITBERGS COLLIDE : THE PRIME MINISTER is to clear the decks of all tasks today except for the pandemic and focus solely on that.

He will do this by phoning each and every cabinet minister to ask if they’re “with me or Gove”. It’s understood the actual phrasing will employ significantly more obscenities and scatological references than we are at liberty to employ.

It’s likely he will start with the most senior members first, ones who have compromised themselves significantly during the world beating fight to make the pandemic in the UK go tantric. Emotive phrases will be used such as “if I go down you’re coming with me” and “I made you and I can break you.”

There will clearly be a pause for lunch. It will begin at 11:30am and is expected to conclude around 3pm, once all the claret has been drunk. After that he will return to focusing on the pandemic by phoning more junior members and launching scathing attacks on their loyalty.

What Mr Gove will be doing at the same time isn’t entirely clear as he is alleged to have done most of his work during the recent weeks when he was MIA.

“If you’re going to shoot the king, don’t miss” is thought to be an adage that Mr Gove employed fully in the weeks leading up to the attempts to dethrone Mr Johnson. Although given Mr Gove is a serial loser when it actually comes time to seize power, it’s thought Mr Hunt, Ms Patel, Mr Hancock, Mr Raab and others will be pledging their support to him while also pondering how they will redecorate the No 11 flat back from bordello.

One thing we can all hope is that in the Tory leadership contest to come that Matt Hancock tries again and revises his famous line about not supporting the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit as that would go against “everything those men fought and died for on those beaches”. He famously did exactly that and it proves he has the calibre to lead the modern Conservative Party.

Good luck to all contenders, it’s only the country that is paying for your serial shithousery. Hoograh!

IT’S WHO YOU KNOW, NOT WHAT YOU KNOW: Experts are out, and cronies are in. Revelations that Your Good Health Secretary Matt Hancock awarded NHS contracts to family members who just happened to drink in the same pub have shocked nobody. 

The Cock Inn, the pub in the charming village of Snouts-in-the-Trough, has become a recruiting ground for Hancock. The landlord mysteriously landed a Covid test kit contract. Old Lenny, who has sat in the same seat and told the same tall stories for over 50 years now, has been given his own show on GB News. And the darts team turned out for Manchester United at the weekend. 

This is a case of putting the Hancock into the Cock. 

The Cock Inn WhatsApp group was busy after the latest revelations. Everybody in Snouts-in-the-Trough, it seems, wants a bit of Matt’s benevolence. “I’m a cleaner, I could do money laundering!” posted Henry Hoover the barman. “I’m good with brushes, maybe I could help to sweep the whole affair under the doorMatt,” suggested artist Matt Black. “I’m Matt Hancock, and so is my wife!” was a very popular comment. 

The pub itself is considering a name change, from the Cock Inn to the Hancock Inn. It is now open for socially distanced drinks in the pub car park, but if you give Matt a bell he will bypass covid restrictions for you and give you a cushy job with the government. 

Hancock family members are famously known as shareholders in a prominent NHS outsourcing firm. What is less well known is the composition of the board of directors. The Sales Director is Squeaky, his daughter’s pet mouse, for example,and the Chairman is the family goldfish, Fluffy. 

And accusations of cronyism have been firmly rebutted by the Hancock family. This isn’t cronyism, they claim. It’s nepotism. Get it right! 

HISTORY IS WRITTEN BY THE VICTORS: The UK government has moved swiftly to cut off rumours about former Prime Minister David Cameron. It confirmed that a statue will be erected a lasting testament to his integrity and good faith.

There will be an enquiry, of course. The board had been appointed, boxes ticked, appropriate noises been made in Parliament. The commission will consider two questions. Firstly, on which grounds to exonerate Dodgy Dave. Secondly, where to place the statue.

The inner circle will not, of course, reveal any details, at least not on record. Many, however, will spill their guts on condition of strict anonymity. One insider, who gave his name only as “Grace Chrisling”, was particularly voluble, particularly after a pizza delivered by ferry.

“Everyone knows that old Dave is as dodgy as they come,” revealed Chrisling, tucking into thick crust pepperoni with extra mozzarella. “Aren’t we all, it’s such fun! A nod and a wink, quick backhander, few more quid in the bank, Bob’s your uncle. Is there any more of that garlic bread?”

Here’s some with extra cheese. Now, do you know how events will unfold?

“The enquiry will be dragged out for years,” said Chrisling, munching away happily. “Everyone will claim enormous fees, and even bigger lunches, before exonerating Dave.”

On what grounds?

“That Rayner woman once claimed for earbuds on expenses,” gloated Chrisling. “And if she was let off, we must treat Dave the same way! Now, pass the stuffed crust…”

The second question, where will the statue go?

“I don’t know!” spluttered Chrisling through a mouthful of ham and pineapple. “But, between you, me, and the gatepost, he will either replace Churchill, or fill the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. Then everybody will know that Dave could not have been dodgy, because he has a statue. Stands to reason, at least to the plebs. Pour us another cola!”

Innocent until proven guilty? The result was never in doubt.

PORK SCRATCHINGS : Britain’s greatest living ex-prime minister David Cameron has failed.

”It was a shock to anyone who hasn’t met him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, he’s so charismatic. The problem is his ambition. Loser ex-PM’s just charge £50K a hit to have lunch and a peak at their book of contacts. Not Dave. He had bigger fish to fry. But now he’s the one he’s frying.”

And the thick smoke from the Dave vat is intense.

“Johnson is loving it though. Which is nice. Best laugh he’s had watching Cameron swing since giving new boys wedgies in the changing rooms as a schoolboy. Gives him a break from Carrie banging on about whether or not they chose the right wallpaper for the nursery too. Why ask him? He only just discovered they have a nursery at No.11. Now he wants to move out! Ha!”

While no one will resent Britain’s hardest working prime minister having a laugh at an old rival’s expense, there is a touch of concern that Tory cats maybe be coming out of Tory bags.

“The hoi polloi are just jealous. Why else would you become a modern Tory MP except to get the money back the great unwashed stole from your family via tax? Sound motivation. Public good. It’ll trickle back down. Maybe a bit smelly and yellow, but it’ll trickle alright.”

But what next for Cameron?

“Oh it’s a karmic avalanche. He’s failed at the easiest job in history. Imagine being so useless you can’t make a go of it in the U.K. of 2021 as a Tory insider lobbyist in an openly corrupt chumocracy? That takes some doing. World beating failure.”

Just call him Dave.

BARGAIN BUCKET DAVE : The Prime Minister has announced he will conduct an inquiry into the activities of the failed lobbyist, failed prime minister, failed shepherd’s hut shed dweller, failed referendum holder and failed hoodie hugger David Cameron.

The inquiry will focus on Dave’s leveraging of his address book for his high rolling mate Lex, and just how deep the inappropriate nature of the relationship percolated Mr Cameron’s premiership.

”People are saying it’s going to be a whitewash,” a 10 Downing Street source said. “More correctly these days that’s a red, white and blue wash. Patriotic rinse. It’ll be a world beating inquiry. Tory looks at Tory. Total probity. The public can have full confidence that if Mr Johnson harbours any ill feeling towards Mr Cameron he’ll be found guilty and hung out to dry. Also if it’s judged he’s serving well as a distraction from all the other grubby things the government is up to. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

We will also just have to wait and see what vintage Mr Johnson will consume in the preparation and conduct of the inquiry. This is because he’s going to construct the proceedings out of empty wine crates.

“You shouldn’t think though that the inquiry will be like one of those hastily thrown together, shabby, unfit for purpose buses Mr Johnson makes in his arts and crafts sessions. The wine will be high end, excellent vintage. This is guaranteed, because like everything this well tailored mob get up to, you’re paying for it.”

In more ways than one. And they’ve been at it for so long.

SINFUL OVER CONSUMPTION : Dramatic news from 10 Downing Street this morning with reports that a Sin-eater hired by the Prime Minister, Mr Creosote, has died.

The man, said to have been a professional, is believed to have abruptly expired last night during his regular shift in the 11 Downing Street flat.

Paying someone to absorb your own guilt, and thus cleanse you of your sins, has been a popular technique since the Middle Ages. This is the first report of a fatality though.

“He just rolled over, belched, farted, loosed his bowls and died,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It was a combination of chronic obesity related diseases, but the root cause is believed to have been his diet.”

Mr Johnson is rumoured to have hired the Sin-eater by his current partner, who is said to be worried that the sheer volume and accumulation of moral and ethical crimes by the prime minister may mean he is not there in years to come to father their child.

“The real shock is how sudden the death occurred,” the source continues. “The Sin-eater has only been employed by Downing Street since Saturday. He was lean and healthy when he arrived. It seems the sheer volume of sin he consumed so rapidly lead to a rapid decline in his health. Which is a shame, as there’s a mountain of horror left to be eaten and new sins added hourly.”

There are currently no plans to conduct a post-mortem as it is believed opening up the deceased’s body would be akin to a “Pandora’s Box level calamity.”

“We know the cause of death. It would be best to just have the Navy wrap the body in a Union Flag and dispose of the Sin-eater in a deep sea trench. Then all declare its move on.”