Category: Tory Tory Tory

TWISTING AND TURNING : UK food banks have reacted with solidarity today after learning of the horrible deprivation of the UK’s last Tory PM, Rishi “full plate” Sunak’s, childhood.

From the moment clips from ITV’s interview last week began trailing on social media an upswell of feeling across the nation began, and shows no signs of slowing.

”It’s hard to imagine what he suffered,” A Charity told LCD Views, “I mean it’s easy to lose perspective. I’m here day in and out handing out food to families where the parents are in full time employment but still can’t afford a full week’s food for the kids and I never once stopped to imagine what the PM suffered? Makes you ashamed. No wonder he’s been so determined to see my sector blossom while in government.”

A Charity wasn’t alone in her feelings of personal disdain. F Tory, H Unger, D Irtywater and many others were also caused to reflect.

”We had to do something to show Rishi we understand what it was like to be beavering away at Winchester College knowing that when you got home there would be no cable tv waiting. It’s horrible to imagine,” H Unger said. “That’s when we decided to hold the two minutes silence.”

The PM’s office is yet to react to the show of feeling from the thousands and thousands of food banks, but an insider told us they were taking time to “find the right form of words.”

”Basically it’s all a bit crass and borderline psychotic,” they added, “when you think of all the hot water Sunak is in for leaving D Day early to serve the interests of his far right political supporters and the food banks can’t even hold the two minutes silence at 11am? Bloody uneducated peasants. They deserve to starve if they can’t think of their betters.”

WHO DARES, WINS: The great plan (which is working, and we must stick to it) now includes National Service. It’s just around the corner we have just turned.

The hardest right-wing headbangers left in the Conservative Party have been sent out in force to bang heads.

“Flagship means flagship!” said Sir Silkie Softhands. “Hard, physical work should put the feckless young firmly in their place once and for all! National Service never did me any harm!”

Sir Silkie, who is approaching retirement age, is far too young to have seen National Service.

“My point exactly!” he blustered. “Kids today have it easy. Not like my generation! They are soft, they are Woke, they are probably lefties too. All of these weaknesses need to be beaten out of them before they may be allowed to join the adult population!”

Under the plan, youngsters will be compelled to undertake compulsory volunteer work. An oxymoron for the ages, to stand beside ‘Brexit is working’ and ‘Conservative’.

The timing of the announcement is interesting. It follows on the heels of a world beating number of political gaffes, each worthy of Boris Johnson at his drunkest, only not so funny. It is as if Conservative central office has run out of imagination as well as any sort of forward thinking.

“If you are saying that the plan smacks of desperation, you couldn’t be more wrong!” insisted Sir Silkie. “We must look backwards to go forwards, we need to build on the successes of our past!”

Like the NHS. The BBC. Comprehensive education. Conferring rights on British citizens.

“No, no, don’t be silly!” said Sir Silkie. “The Empire! The workhouse! Children up chimneys! Feudalism! Unfettered capitalism! The stiff upper lip! The class system! Knowing one’s place! Winston Churchill! Winning wars! England’s Golden Age!”

Next week, expect all of these to appear in the Conservative Party manifesto.

YOU’VE GOT TO BE IN IT TO WIN IT: The temporary Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, has made one last bold move. One of the subordinate woke backbenchers set up a sweepstake to predict the number of Portillo Moments in the upcoming General Election. Desperate for a win, any win, he has confidently chosen 50 Portillo Moments.

“That’s ridiculous,” said Michael Portillo, resplendent in lurid clashing colours, and clutching his trainspotter’s guide. “There was only one Portillo Moment, mine. My lasting claim to fame! Immortality – my greatest achievement.”

Sunak, who has never heard of Michael Portillo, and has done his best to wreck the national train set Portillo loves so dearly, still commented boldly.

“Portillo? Yes, well I suppose it’s appropriate, since the Party is going down the toilet,” he remarked in an unguarded moment. “What is a Portillo Moment anyway? Soiling oneself in public, is it not? That happens to the best of us!”

Sunak’s breezy optimism may be overstated. As usual. By the time the election rolls around, there may not be as many as 50 Tory MPs prepared to defend their seat remaining. Never mind the grandees. Already the rats are leaving the sinking ship.

Perhaps a better parallel would be the fate of David Mellor, one-time member for shagging dolly birds while wearing a Chelsea shirt. He accepted defeat in the gracious manner one might expect of 30p Lee Anderson, Jonathan Gullis, or Nigel Farage. There will likely be plenty of these.

“I suppose it’s a bit close to the bone,” admitted the organiser of the sweepstake, Kenny Cottonon. “Lots of us will be out of a job come July, so I didn’t expect anyone to actually participate. I’ve only had one entrant so far.”

It seems as if Sunak’s win is guaranteed. Unlike his chances in the General Election.

OPEN AND SHUT CASE : The UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister, Rishi “The Fish” Sunak, has been forced onto the back foot in his quest to remain the UK’s last Conservative Prime Minister.

“The drama centres around the PM’s seeming inability to understand he doesn’t already live in California,” our Westminster bubble insider reports.

”Mr Sunak has spent several months focused on blue sky thinking, dream palace building his future mansion home in California’s endless fantasy weather. He has so fully envisioned his next big step that when he stepped outside into the drenched UK faux spring he was mentally thousands of miles away.”

But when our reporter attempted to force his sources to explain why no one intervened to assist the drowning man, he was threatened with deportation to Rwanda.

”That’s a pretty idle threat, if I’m honest,” he tells us, “so I’m not worried. I will be happy to volunteer to go and come back like that other fellow. Although it does give some credence to rumours swirling around the Westminster plughole this morning. Speculation that could explain Sunak’s damp squib.”

All the umbrellas were deported to Rwanda?

”That’s correct. It was done to keep the overflowing suitcases of cash we’ve sent to Kigali for a few cheap dog whistling headlines in the fascist press dry in transit.”

FREE MARKET RULZ : There’s a god sized finger in the eye today for the bureaucracy loving, Marxist, woke antifarati as English customers take advantage of the watery, free liberal trading environment they enjoy.

”Europeans can only watch and weep,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, in a shock break from expectations by addressing the tsunami of news regarding the UK’s fully privatised water supply.

”Water is just like any other commodity,” they gushed, “if you don’t like the product you take the penny you have to spend elsewhere.”

The spokesman went on to reference the recent unfortunate experience of our very own Prime Minister.

”Take Mr Sunak.”

Please do.

”Adidas made him look a little foolish recently. Those white trainers just didn’t cut it with short cropped suit pants. Any idiot can tell you that you can’t buy class. Nice try Adidas. Complete travesty. Total ambush. Germans out to get revenge for Brexit. Obvious. The PM won’t be sending them another penny!”

And the advice for water utility customers who may be feeling there’s just too many parasites in their tap water these days, is to do exactly the same.

”Just like the railways, if you don’t like the service you are free to choose a different service provider. Take that Southern! I won’t be using you to get to Victoria Station today. I’m going on the Penine Express!”

Suggestions that water should not be in private hands, profit focused, irresponsible and liable to take the money and run when it all turns to slurry are just “Commies trying to undermine forty years of progress.”

FUTURE TENSE : The PM for a crisis, Rishi “the blast” Sunak, has today announced a stunning reversal in the UK’s expectations.

”Most expected us to go quietly into that long night,” Mr Sunak told a rapt audience of AI enthusiasts, “but I ran the numbers through my new whizz bang artificial intelligence engine called Barry and it told me exactly what to do.”

And the solution to the UK’s myriad of once seemingly unsolvable problems is disarmingly simple.

”It all comes down to lanyards,” the clever little boy beamed. “For too long people have been wearing the wrong coloured lanyards in the work place. The damage has been calculable. Just look at the NHS waiting lists, bin collections, potholes, the RNLI saving drowning people, the National Trust failing to only talk about Stephenson’s Rocket, well, the list of things that have measurably degraded to a terrifying degree since 2010 is exhausting.”

But today the fightback begins.

”From today anyone turning up to work anywhere with a rainbow lanyard will be summarily executed. We will gladly sacrifice a few civil servants to ensure your hip operation happens by Saturday and the nurse who fits your catheter is wearing a red, white and blue lanyard.”

With the handle now back on the country’s pot all our assured it will be a lovely day tomorrow.

”Remember how it was always a lovely day tomorrow with Boris, if you just ignored today? Nothing has changed with me at the helm. And to ensure it remains a lovely day tomorrow I will be enobbing Johnson as Lord Al of Empty Wine Crates. He will then become Minister for Lanyards and we will all be warming our hands over the frozen tears of the woke.”

Job done. Well done Rishi. We don’t know what we’d do without you.

”And Barry. He’s my imaginary friend,” grinned little Rishi.

THE SPAM IS CHURNING : Cosmic wonder and also apparently UK PM, Rishi “Infosys” Sunak is to take credit today for the stellar light show that lit up the skies of even southern England overnight.

”The plan is working,” he will tell a baffled Westminster bubble, “for too long Labour has betrayed the hardworking British people by standing in the way of the aurora borealis.”

The PM will say the dazzling haze which was visible in some areas of the capital could not have happened if he hadn’t taken such great strides to bring down inflation.

”The pandemic made it difficult to see the light. So too the war in Ukraine but by passing into law my new Great Light From My Arse Bill almost everyone can now see the Northern Lights.”

But not everyone is so keen to give credit to the PM. Defectors within the Conservative Party will point to the spreading of the northern lights to southern England as just another sign that levelling up is all about favouring the blue tinge in the south.

It’s not yet clear what position Labour will take on the PM’s claim but it is believed they will either say very little or promise to continue the aurora borealis when in government.

”Let’s be honest,” a spokesman for Starmer told LCD Views, “if promising to continue the policy will keep a few swing voters in Surrey we will do it. Otherwise for many on the NHS waiting lists the lights will be the last thing they’ll see.”

A largely unreported aspect of the event though will be the signing of contracts today with members of the PM’s extended family giving them billions to repeat the event at some yet unspecified future date.

”The details of the agreement are commercially sensitive,” the PM will say, “but I will stop at nothing to ensure that anyone receiving a state benefit has their eyes blindfolded before it happens again. The northern lights are for the hardworking taxpayer, not some middle aged layabout pretending to have cancer just to avoid working a zero hours contract for a multi-national conglomerate registered for tax purposes in Panama.”

Ignore the problems you’ve caused and take credit for things which have nothing to do with you. Perfect governance.

”By the way. I’m not Boris Johnson because I can comb my hair,” added Mr Sunak.

BOOM TIMES FOR HOSPITALS : With trainee, apprentice, so called Doctors on strike AGAIN one of Prime Minister Rishi Sunak’s staunchest defenders has hit back at what he calls “the unpalatable ingratitude of the medical class”.

Speaking on Radio 4’s Yesterday programme in the prime 08:10 slot, Tory MP for Bearing Downs, Rodney Dear, blasted striking doctors.

“I’ve been a right honourable member since 2005,” Mr Dear explained, “and in that time I’ve seen the behaviour of the so called medical profession deteriorate faster than a spoiled boy denied a second gelding for his fifth birthday.”

It seems Mr Dear is expressly aggrieved over the “untoward barrage of criticism” from Junior Doctors directed at the Prime Minister.

“You think of just how much money the Prime Minister and his family have pumped into the medical profession over the years? How much all Tory MPs have? My private medical bill for last year alone was £100K. Although happily a lot of it was gratis because my clinic knows how to reward loyal customers and nothing I say in parliament is related to that.”

Mr Dear thinks Doctors need to “take their stethoscopes” and listen to their own chests. “Is there a heart beating in those grasping torsos?” he demands to know. “If there is it must be very small. Who could watch a candid movie of Mr Sunak taking time out of his busy schedule to buy mince pies for medics and still think he doesn’t care? It is all very hurtful.”

And for any Doctors still wagging their fingers at 10 Downing Street the Sunak loyalist has another two pence to offer.

“The last Labour government almost destroyed the medical industry in this country. Did you see what was happening to customer lists at hospitals across the UK? Plummeting. Some NHS trusts were in danger of going out of business all together. But thanks to fourteen years of Tory management there’s not a hospital in the country that doesn’t have eager customers lined up out of the doors and down the block. The doctors might want to think about that next time they start moaning that they’re underpaid. Thanks to the vengeful EU many sectors risk going bust now we are sovereign nation again, but not the medical profession. More customers every year. And they can thank all Tory MPs, past and present, since 2010, for that!”

Doctors, it’s about time you stopped moaning and got back to work, your backlog won’t clear itself.

GOT TO PICK A POCKET OR TWO : The UK’s outgoing Prime Minister, Rishi “I have no working class friends” Sunak, is not taking Christmas lying down.

“It’s been a tradition since 2010 for the ghosts of past, present and future to visit the prime minister at Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views. “You just have to look about you to see what they achieve. All those dire warnings of loneliness and oblivion? All we can say is if the Christmas ghosts don’t like what Tory PMs are doing they should stop giving them policy ideas.”

While calmer heads have suggested the three ghosts should be privatised, to improve productivity, Mr Sunak is minded to take things further.

”He’s going to provide the ghosts with proper guidance,” the spokesman explains. “Rather than have them turn up clearly infected with some mind virus, they will now be forced by law to embody proper Great British conservative values.”

It’s believed this will mostly be centred on how best to position the hardworking British voter for the future.

”The ghost of Christmas past will warn Mr Sunak that he hasn’t redistributed wealth from the poor to the wealthy enough. He should be bloody ashamed of himself.”

Just so.

”The ghost of Christmas present will admonish the PM by showing him lower income families still just about capable of scrapping together a Christmas meal for their kids.”

And the ghost of Christmas future?

”How terrible everything will be for the UK if Sunak doesn’t continue his slide into full blown fascism. There’s a risk that obscenely wealthy individuals may end up paying tax!”

A vision of the future no Tory PM could sleep through.

IF HIS LIPS ARE MOVING : WORLD LEADING GREAT BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, and part time politician, Rishi “The Hammer” Sunak, has allegedly denied fresh claims he did not attend COP28 in person.

Rumours the UK Prime Minister was not personally at the COP28 summit appear to have begun after a Politico journalist noted he spent such a trivial amount of time there if was like he didn’t even show up at all.

“It’s nonsense,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “the prime minister definitely seemed to be there. At least as long as it takes to get a few photos for social media. I mean, there was a peevish looking guy that looked like Sunak. Didn’t you see him? Pursed lips? Standing on his tippy toes? If you’re not careful we’ll pass a law saying it’s illegal to question whether or not he was there.”

The response from the Palace, we mean 10 Downing Street, will not satisfy all of Mr Sunak’s detractors though, as an AI generated image of an absence at the summit only ever showed Mr Sunak dancing on a burning rainforest, in spite of how many times the image was generated.

“Look, you really don’t understand how Global Britain is governed,” a supporter of the PM commented, “how long does it take to meet representatives of the fossil fuel industry in back corridors? Bugger all time, that’s how long. Just long enough to shake hands and laugh over the expansion of fossil fuels in the UK. Then it’s back on the jet and home to ensure no one has found Rishi’s mobile phone and handed it over to the Covid Inquiry.”

Other voices have suggested that even criticising the PM’s green cred on risks new laws carrying lengthy goal time.

“Be grateful we didn’t send 30p Lee to represent the UK,” 10 Downing Street added. “Or Boris Johnson, or Liz Truss, or Matt Hancock, or Oliver Dowden, or Jeremy Hunt, or Grant Shapps, or Lord Cameron. Oh.”