Category: This Burning Ball

A SPECIAL LITTLE ISLAND : The now world famous residents of Grappledeath are to take their spectacular Covid-19 denial dance act on the road!

Starting this week the street will, by invitation, perform classic British dances in a variety of locations. The first show will be outside the doors of 10 Downing Street.

It is believed the Prime Minister himself will watch the show from the special refrigerated window over the main door to the home of prime ministers from when they knew what they were doing, till now.

“Ring a ring o’ roses is to be our hit piece,” a representative of the pluckiest street in Britain told LCD Views, “and ‘The Dance of Death’. Of course we will finish with a triumphant conga dance.”

There’s rumours that the troupe will also link arms, sway and sing Vera Lynn’s now infamous WW2 classic, ‘We’ll Meet Again’, but with modified lyrics.

“We’ve modified the lyrics to reflect the contemporary times we dance in,” the rep advised, ” so instead of singing,

We’ll meet again,

Don’t know where, don’t know when

We will now sing,

We’ll meet again,

On a Covid-19 ward, sometime after two to fourteen days from yesterday, plus the week or two it takes for symptoms of CV-19 to really kick in”

Critics, and supporters of nanny states that crush inalienable rights, have poured cold water on the national street party tour plan.

“Well, they would wouldn’t they,” the representative shrugged, “I’m a glass half full type. I’m not going to let some cold and flu turn me into a wallflower. We hope Boris will be proud.”

Don’t we all. Just look at everything he’s achieved so far.

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE PAPER MILLIONAIRES : A MAN has been ostracised by his local community and labelled a “freak” after he bought books about climate change, in a panic.

Mr Chester McDougall, 44, Burning Ball Lane, Floodwater-on-Why, purchased the books after deciding (for himself!) that the predominately tax exile controlled British media may not be telling him the whole truth about what is happening to the environment.

“He’s supposed to be worried about the environment and he’s gone and bought all those paper books?” neighbour, and local idiot, Mr Local Idiot, told LCD Views (in disgust), “what’s he going to do when he’s finished reading them? Apart from bore the tits off all of us. It’s not like you can read a book twice or give it away.”

Mr Idiot himself has however also invested in paper products.

“Think how much money Chester has wasted on books?” Local wanted to know, while showing our reporter the spare room he had recently filled with toilet paper.

“He could have gotten dozens of rolls of bog roll. That’s where the smart money is going. Instead he’s blown his dosh on propagandist literature about polar bears and the risk of climate change refugees. You won’t see any refugee bears in my village. The local factory, which makes arms for export all around the world, is all we need here, thank you very much.”

But Mr McDougall was said to be “unrepentant” this morning and on the cusp of donating (regularly!) to Greenpeace, and maybe a refugee charity.

“Throwing his money down the drain!” spat Mr Idiot, “he’s been radicalised by that Greater Tuberg. He needs to follow Piers Morgan and Donald Trump and Nigel Farage. Actual men. Actual conversation starters.”

Mr McDougall said he hoped to donate some of the books to the local library, in the hope of other people in his community reading them.

“This just shows how out of touch he is,” Mr Idiot added, “we’ve already burnt the library down. Now if you don’t mind I’m feeling a bit of an emergency of my own building and need to flush some more of my money down the drain.”

MAKE GOOD USE OF BAD RUBBISH – NO THANKS! : THE DIRTY FUEL INDUSTRIES, AND THEIR LOBBYISTS, are resting more easily today after notorious enviro-terror organisation, The Wombles, were added to the anti-terror watchlist by Home Office Secretary Priti Patel.

She did this completely independently, with no influence from US billionaire funded, right wing think tanks (that we know of) who appear to think that short term profit is more important than anything resembling a sustainable future for life on the planet.

“The bank accounts of dirty fuel billionaires will still exist after we’ve all wiped ourselves, and most of the Earth’s biomass, out,” said a spokesman for Burn It All And Weep (it’s an educational charity which trolls about social issues),

“think of it like the pyramids of Ancient Egypt. The pharaohs maybe long dead but you know who was king! Yeah! Forever. By our works will we be remembered! You dirty hippy! Who is going to know about you in a thousand years time? Ha! Loser!”

Uncle Bulgaria, leader of The Wombles, has long been the focus of attention due to his extreme preachings and the overall behaviour of what will now be recognised as a global terror network.

“Do you know where Greta Thunberg was radicalised?” the spokesman demanded, “it was on Wimbledon Common. It’s amazing Uncle Bulgaria was allowed to get away with his alarming activities for so long without attracting the attention of the authorities. Look at him. Big beard. Weird hat and clothing. Yeah, he’s infiltrated our society and radicalised the young. No doubt about it, he’s a mad environmental mullah.”

But the action against The Wombles isn’t the end of it. The Home Office has other notorious and dangerous sects on its list.

“Dr Seuss, we’re issuing him with a travel ban. Have you read ‘The Lorax’? Holy cow! And the kids in that film ‘Free Willy’, god knows what they’re up to these days after such a misguided beginning. Well, Global Briton will be safe from all of them. Good riddance to bad rubbish! Now get yourself a lump of coal and eat.”

WIND, LIGHT, EBB AND FLOW : TORY LEADERSHIP (USING THAT WORD LOOSELY) hopeful Jeremy Hunt has promised a much bigger navy today in response to the rising tensions in the Gulf.

“The Iranians are likely to raid our sunshine,” he sighed, “we need to establish a ring of steel about the burning ball above. Much like we have to protect the endless shipments of dead dinosaurs we ship about the globe. The sun must be guarded also so its light can be gathered into panels before bad actors steal it on the way. I will match the billions spent guarding oil with the same spend in blood and treasure guarding the sun.”

But it’s not just solar energy that needs protecting in an area of rising global tensions.

“Wind too. We shall direct the RAF to patrol constantly to ensure the wind is able to reach our turbines. So too the tides. It’s a credible threat. Men from far away specially trained to ride tide stealing surfboards. Trident submarines will guard the ebb and flow when I am PM.”

It’s obvious that any transition to renewable energy sources will only lead to increasing tensions with the big oil states.

Boris Johnson wasn’t to be outdone. He matched Hunt’s promises with his own.

“Whoever heard of ships propelled by wind?” he shook his head, “oil is the future. More oil. Big, lovely ships full of oil in their bellies at risk of being blown up. And what’s better is it’s free! The dinosaurs buried it in the ground before they shuffled off the mortal coil. If everyone knows we’re prepared to go to war to protect dinosaur eggs there is no risk of war. It’s the future. It’s the only way to ensure peace on earth.”

He added that he would order the RAF to patrol the wind and get in front of it before it gets away.

“Endless risk of war is the only way. Renewables are so yesterday.”