DUP leader “Come On” Arlene Foster has confirmed the reasons behind the Brexit veto. The DUP blocked the deal for shits and giggles.
“It was just for the craic,” Foster confirmed, with a cheeky twinkle. “After all, in these dark days we all need a laugh!”
At this point, a fiddler and a box player started ripping into a set of reels. Foster got another round of Black Mischief in. Leprechauns danced to the beat of a bodhran.
“Appropriating Irish whimsy is another good DUP joke,” Foster continued. “We are the cuddly party now!”
Other witticisms are in the pipeline. These include causing Theresa May and David Davis to have sleepless nights. Teaching the UK government that Brexit means Brexit is on the cards. To Trump them all, Foster is going to build a wall along the border and insist that the Republic pays for it.
“The last is a really good gag!” Foster chuckled. “We wouldn’t really dream of alienating our republican chums like that, but it’s just plausible enough to cause outrage. I hear that Leo Varadkar is stocking up on baked beans as we speak.”
In London, May and Davis were more morning after than top of the morning. There was relief in May’s fingers-down-blackboard voice as she announced that another agreement had been, err, agreed. The bags under Davis’s eyes were big enough to contain the mythical impact statements, as well as his toothbrush and a change of Y-fronts.
“We would like to thank Arlene Foster,” yawned Davis, “for reminding us about the meaning of Brexit. We now realise that Northern Ireland is part of the UK. We now recognise that the Irish border must be both hard and soft. Strong and stable means weak and wobbly. Schrödinger’s border, I think, was what Michel Barnier said. God, I need coffee!”
To encourage closer ties to mainland Britain, Foster humorously suggested digging away the border, and employing the Royal Navy to tug Ulster across the Irish sea. She estimates the price tag to be a very reasonable £50bn.