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Old Man just wants to see “mushroom cloud” before he dies

FEAR AND GROPING : An Old Man has spoken exclusively to LCD Views to share what remains on his “bucket list”, which he is determined to empty, before he dies.

“Not many people know this but I have the biggest bucket list,” he began [Translation service was used to render his speech servicable].

“It’s true. You’ve never seen a bucket list like mine. Sleepy Joe didn’t even have a bucket! Loser! That commie Newscom, I call him NEWSCOMMIE, everyone is now calling him that now. I started it. NEWSCOMMIE. Many people are saying so. Most people have tiny buckets with dumb lists. But my list is the bigliest. NEWSCOMMIE HAS A DIAPER. What do the limeys call them? NAPPY. NEWSNAPPY.”

What is left inside this old man’s bucket is not altogether surprising.

“I WON two elections. MORE ELECTIONS than any President has ever won. Many more than those losers in Drowning Street. CANADA DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ELECTIONS. They let the Queen of Engerland choose their President. How many Presidential elections has Keir “knee bender to ME” Starmer won? NONE. And I didn’t have any help winning mine.”

That’s elections off the list. What else?

“I OVERSAW A PLAGUE. That makes me a KING. Kings always have plagues. I know all the history. You should read the history. THE. BLACK. DEATH. But there’s one thing I am determined to see before I go to HEAVEN. I’M GOING TO HEAVEN. JESUS SAID SO. HE SAID SO MANY TIMES.”

And that one thing is?

“Mushroom clouds. Just the bigliest mushroom clouds. My friend Vladimir says he can help me see them too. All I have to do he says is have KEGSBREATH nuke California. Couldn’t be simpler. Child’s play”

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Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.

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Dr Strangelove takes credit for bringing Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un together

Doctor Strangelove has spoken exclusively to LCD Views to take credit for bringing Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un together.

”I knew they were a match the moment I saw both in a split screen image,” the Doctor told LCD Views’ defence correspondent.

”They have so much in common, put them in the same room and it’s going to be like watching a ticking bomb. Wait for the magic to explode.”

The Doctor believes if he can match the pair off it could be world changing.

”The honeymoon period will be something to see. I wouldn’t be surprised if they team up with that stern Russian chap who made Donald president and all three go bareback riding in the mountains somewhere.”

So does the Doctor believe such a match up could alleviate risks of nuclear Armageddon on the Korean Peninsula?

”For a time. But slamming such reactive egoists together at velocity? Well, excuse me while I salute the potential for an explosion that will make the Doomsday device appear like a child’s toy.”

So why risk it?

”Why not? If you control the time and place of the explosion you can enjoy the fallout.”

What if they hate each other on sight?

”Oh, you are worrying about something that will never happen. Kim is playing Donald like the fiddle he is.

Donald is happy to have his strings plucked by Kim because it provides wall to wall media coverage that squeezes out news of the big fat file Mueller is building on Trump.”

So it’s all talk?

”It certainly served to drive ‘Ireland First’ well off the news agenda for the BBC. And that was a firework that should have gotten extensive coverage by the publicly funded Conservative Party broadcaster!”

Well, You’ve just raised our hopes for nothing.

”Maybe not. I move underground still if I were you and start stockpiling enough entertainment to see you through potentially a very long winter.”

Maybe we’ll just imagine them swapping hair care and diet secrets instead while comparing the size of their big red buttons.