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Corbyn reinstates Campbell: ”It was just a joke… a case of English irony.”

The Labour leader has responded to the controversy over the expulsion of Alistair Campbell.

Campbell, Labour’s former Blairite spin doctor, has been expulsed after he avowedly voted for the LibDems during the European elections. The decision by the party has caused an uproar from other Labour senior officials, MPs included, who have voted for a Remain party last Sunday. Just like millions of traditional Labour voters.

It appears that this has pressured Corbyn to backtrack on the decision. Asked by LCD Views on the reasons for it, the 70-year old student politics leader told Campbell’s expulsion would only be temporary: “The national executive committee (NEC) just wanted a laugh after the disastrous election results.”

“Some Marxists in the leadership wanted to tease Campbell for his years in service of the right-wing Blairites in the party. And Kate Hoey, who happened to be there as well, came up with the joke.”

The Labour leader added, tongue-in-cheek, that it was just a case of “English irony”: “Excellent, isn’t it? Scots never get it. Nor our nationalist, er, I mean internationalist, position on Brexit, it seems.”

However, it appears that there is one condition for Campbell being reinstated in the party he served for more than forty years. LCD Views has learned from a NEC insider that the former Downing Street director of communications must first recite The Communist Manifesto in Corbyn’s office with his head confronting the wall.

“We just want him to learn the movement’s history,” said our source.

 

Image courtesy of “Europeans” Facebook group.

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Commons to debate motions on “How to get on with it”

After the Government “has gotten on” with two years of negotiations with the EU, and increasing frustration amongst the public, clamouring Westminster to “get on with it”, the House has recently decided to “get on with it”.

Therefore, the Speaker has announced that the House is to debate various motions on the proposition “How to get on with it” during a special session on Friday. “Motion,” as Rees-Mogg tweeted today from a sedentary position, stems from the Latin “movere”, meaning “to get on with it”.

MPs will have the opportunity to vote on various variations of the proposition, listed below.

Motion A: “The House resolves to get on with it.” (neutral Government motion)

Motion B: “The House resolves to get on with it as soon as possible.”

Motion C: “The House resolves to get on with it. If not, it resolves to resolve during another vote.”

Motion D: “The House resolves to get on with it, but not until having put that to the people.”

Motion E: “The House resolves to get on with it after an extension of not getting on with it.”

Motion F: “The House resolves to get on with getting on with it.”

Motion G: “The House resolves to get on with it after tea.”

Motion H: “The House resolves to get on with it after tea and cake.” (Also referred to as House Resolution 2.0.)

Motion I: “The House resolves to get on with it after a stop in the restroom.” (Government has whipped for this one)

Motion J: “The House resolves to get on with it if none of the above get a majority.”

Motion K: “The House resolves to get on with it if all of the above get a majority.”

Motion L: “The House resolves to get the f*** on with it.” (This one got a huge round of applause on last week’s Question Time.)

Motion M: “The House resolves not to get on with it.” (This one is likely to be defeated by a majority of MPs)

Motion N: “The House resolves to get on with it in five minutes after having a fag.”

The Speaker has promised to get on with deciding on which motions he will select before Thursday 7 pm.

If you have your own variation to Her Majesty’s proposition, don’t forget to get on writing to your MP. Also, get on Twitter and share your motion via #getonwithit

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May replaces references to “EU” with “Lalalaland” ahead of MV4

It has come to our ears that in order to secure this week’s fourth Meaningful Vote (MV), Government has come up with a cunning plan. It has decided to replace all references to the “European Union” with “Lalalaland”.

Over the weekend, Westminster strategists have been desperately trying to come up with new ways to sell the Withdrawal Agreement (WA) a fourth time to the House of Commons. Since the Speaker’s ruling, Government has added the so-called European leaders’ letters of clarification – in essence, brief cliff notes for MP’s explaining the 585 pages of the WA in laymen’s terms – for MV2. It then ditched the non-binding Political Agreement for the third vote. Now the idea is to replace all references to the EU with “Lalalaland” ahead of the prospected fourth vote.

One source told LCD Views that “this allows us for almost every no-voter to come on board”. Remoaner MP’s would not care to severe the UK’s ties with an oneiric place like Lalalaland, whereas the Little England ones would not be bothered to take rulings from it, he added. “It also has the advantage of smothering any concerns about the vilified backstop. Who cares if we have a land border with Lalalaland, or regulatory alignment with it?”

For legal purposes, somewhere hidden in the 585 pages of the WA would be a footnote explaining that Lalalaland stands for the EU. But what if MPs will find out about this? Our source: “Hahaha. You don’t actually think they actually read all 585 pages of the WA, do you? [Continues laughing hysterically. Five minutes later: ] Well, we only must prepare for two persons who might actually read it: Dominic Grieve and the Attorney-General, Geoffrey Cox.”

“We already dealt with the former by sending in a horde of paid Leave-zealots to his Constituency in Beaconsfield. He will be distracted by that for the time being, we hope. As to the Attorney-General, we plan on sending in Raab and Rees-Moog. They will distract him in his office bestowing upon him the virtues of a Brexit deal, like sovereignty from the ECJ and tax evasion possibilities once Raab becomes PM.”

If you have any ideas how the Government might sugar-coat the fifth, sixth, etc. vote on the WA? Do share your cunning suggestions on Twitter @emielnachtegael

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Newest U.N. Security Council Resolution Calls for ‘Planexit’

LONDON, NEW YORK – Yesterday the permanent members of the U.N. Security Council, led by the UK and the US, passed a resolution calling to hold a worldwide referendum on a Planexit to determine whether Earth should leave the Solar System. Already, the planet’s stock markets have plummeted.

According to the former British foreign minister, Boris Johnson, the planet spends too much on other planets of the Solar System.

“Each year, we spend billions of dollars on research and development on our neighbouring planets,

”Frankly, we don’t give a fuck about hydrogen creation or fertilizing the soil on Mars. People are weary of seeing stuff from space moving into our orbit without any form of restriction.” The down-to-earth MP added: “Those bureaucratic geeks in the space agencies are out of touch with reality.”

Burocratic geeks

Critics say the proposal is unrealistic and suspect the Russian secret services of steering a powerplay in the U.N.

Renowned physicist Jim al-Khalili stated that “leaving the Solar System might seem appealing to many people without a physics degree, but it is not easy to put into practice.”

The British Foreign Office has cast these comments aside as “fake news” and “elitist scaremongering”.

American president Trump reassured that ‘Earth First’ does not mean leaving the Solar System immediately:

“In the meanwhile, we will cut the funding of NASA and ESA and other nerd agencies to invest in things that really matter, like completing the wall with Mexico to halt alien incursions here on Earth. Furthermore, during the transition period we propose, we would still be able to continue to mine Mars, the losers’ planet, for the resources needed to build the gigantic nuclear device that will set a new spatial course for our own people and make Earth great again.”

Trump and May have cast critical comments aside as “elitist scaremongering”.

The referendum is scheduled to take place next year, but this time table is blocked by some ‘Planextremists’ in the Council. They reason that the concept of year is biased toward the heliocentric camp.