Category: Royal feature

Hot on the heels of Corbyn’s slow response to the Royal Baby, the Daily Express has laid into him again. He is now guilty of not condemning foreigners for what they’ve decided is irresponsible breeding.

As Britain gears up to feed another baby born of European stock, a row is brewing. The basis of it is that Corbyn hasn’t done enough to root out Labour members who might have foreign ancestors.

As leader of the so-called opposition, Corbyn is required to take up two contradictory positions at any given time. This is necessary training to become Prime Minister. The PM herself must believe up to six impossible things before breakfast.

Protocol dictates that congratulations, however insincere, must be forthcoming. Imagine the furore had Corbyn commented before Theresa May’s programmers had finished choosing the most appropriate cliché.

The Royal Sprog’s parents, Will and Kate Oxbridge, are believed to be doing well, since there are plenty of people in the Royal household running round after them. The message from Buckingham Palace read “Nanny and baby are doing well.”

There has been much speculation about the baby’s name. Some wags have suggested he be named Jeremy. Ladbroke’s are offering odds of 10-1 for Dwayne, 50-1 on George II, and 5000-1 on Baby McBabyface.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been getting involved with typical German efficiency. “I do hope they don’t call it something stupid like Eugenie,” he reportedly said. “And I’m not a bloody German, I’m Greek!”

The Duke also disclosed that the baby had inherited his father’s hair, before being dragged off by George and Charlotte to play at being fuzzy-wuzzies again.

We tried to interview the Little Prince himself. He opened an eye, removed the nipple from his mouth, and said “I’m a newborn baby, I can’t talk yet. Now bugger orff, I’m feeding!”

Labour activists belatedly slammed the Express for failing to produce a 19 page Royal Baby supplement. The Express has retaliated by producing a 19 page supplement of pictures of Jeremy Corbyn holding babies, presumed to be foreign.

LCD Views is fronting the red top newspaper campaign today demanding an answer to why a well known public servant has been demoted at work but without receiving a pay cut.

The revelation of the demotion, came without any details of financial sanctions accompanying the drop in status shortly after 11am yesterday morning. This has lead to furious speculation that the individual concerned is to continue to receive full salary and bonus for a position a grade higher than they now occupy.

“It’s a scandal,” famous royal watcher Brian Cox told LCD Views, during an early morning Skype call from his hunting estate outside Balmoral,

“apparently a full grown man has been moved down a full rung in the management structure and replaced by a new born baby.

An infant? Seriously.

How qualified at waving and smiling is a one day old?

Even by days two or three they aren’t going to be able to cut ribbons. Actually it will be several years before they’re even allowed to handle a pair of serious scissors, of the kind needed to cut a ceremonial ribbon with one cut.”

Smashing champagne against ships is right out too.

“That’s my point! What the hell is going on. This is a public servant we’re talking about here. We need answers.”

Do you think work place politics are involved?

“What? Senior colleagues of the man decided to go to all the trouble of bringing in an entirely unknown individual just to impress who holds the power? That takes a minimum of nine months to pull off, that sort of move, pretty hard to keep secret. It’s possible. Anything is possible in this day and age.”

The man himself hasn’t officially responded to our direct question regarding what he will do with his salary? Will he give it to charity? Now that he’s being paid as a fifth, but is actually a sixth?

“He already does a hell of a lot for charity,” Brian responded to that, “we know that. We respect that. It’s a very important charity too. So you can take that line of questioning and shove off.”

Fair criticism. He does assist a lot of people who would otherwise be much less valued.

“You try being born with a silver spoon as big as a palace up your backside but imposed celebrity too. That’s not actually the birth lottery I would want to win. A few steps back and a spoon the size of just a mansion maybe.”

We get it.

Let’s get back to being replaced in the management structure by an infant?

“Seriously!” Brian agreed, “that’s the scandal right there. A grown man replaced by a one minute year old and expected to answer to the infant. It’s just not fair. It’s probably justice that he’s kept full pay.”

Fresh fears today that any post Brexit free trade deal with the United States will mean the UK is forced to import lesser quality US made silver and gold spoons, as the cost of securing a deal, with the revelation that US negotiators have demanded access to the UK market for US made ‘royals’.

“It’s a bit rum,” our team of royal correspondents summarised the situation,

“Brexit is about returning sovereignty to the British people, even the ones who don’t want it, which maybe most of them by now, but to think it may mean a bunch of blowhard yanks standing alongside Her Majesty? It’s just not on. Our chosen people were chosen by the Norman Invasion of 1066. There’s hardly the line of pedigree across the pond.”

British reservations may not count for much though.

It has been revealed that in initial conversations, prior to Christmas, lead American negotiator William Frankville-Charlesburger Blundermuss the fourth, made it clear that American made aristocrats must be stamped and sealed as acceptable for waving at people in the UK if we want a deal.

“We suspect the US manufactured, mildly mafia-ish inheritance royals, could ask someone ‘and what do you do?’ as well as British made ones, but they would presumably do it with a level of swagger that is unacceptable under British regulations.

Well, with the exception of Prince Andrew.”

We asked the government for comment on these revelations.

“There is no concern at all that the British made royal family, carefully refined over centuries of intermarriage with other European inheritance rackets will be forced into arranged marriages with Trumps.

It’s just not going to happen. We’d have to be exceptionally desperate to allow it.

So it’s highly unlikely, so long as Ivanka stays married to Jared and Donald to Melania, at any rate. It’s not like we’re starving, yet.

Prince William and Prince Harry are taken. So that really only leaves Prince Andrew as available to…”

At this point there was a sharp intake of breath and the phone sounded to have been dropped. But we could still just hear what was said next, “Call it off! Brexit! No. No. Not breakfast! Brexit! Bloody hell.”

LCD Views’ only royal correspondent advises that Queen Elizabeth II has reportedly told her son, “There is no way I’m starting with Churchill and ending with May, you have to hang on a bit longer.”

It’s believed the remark was made while watching the corgis play in the snow covering the lawn of Windsor Castle this morning.

“Charles wasn’t impressed,” Green Searchlight reports, “he wants to start with May and end with a figure like Churchill, as he believes the king beyond the water, in prime ministerial terms, must be starting his journey to the United Kingdom.”

This appears to be based on what a prime ministerial shower the country has laboured under for many years.

“Let’s be fair, Blair was a new dawn for most but the old commies and Torykippers, and he did help complete the peace process in Northern Ireland and he did stop a brutal civil war in Sierra Leone, so till then it was a ok.

But then a former coke addict who fancies himself a cowboy threw Tony a bomber jacket, at a moment of crisis, and it’s been all downhill since.

Any leader who thinks God is working through him is bound to be almost as bad as one who thinks he is God.”

So Queen Elizabeth II isn’t going anywhere soon?

“Not if she can help it. She’s hoping to use the royal veto anyway to veto the EU Withdrawal Bill, while wearing her EU flag hat, just to see the look on Jacob Rees-mogg’s face. So she’s more than one good reason to hang on.”

Prince Charles today revealed a new insight into his musical tastes, to the point of naming his favourite popular song, in an official announcement.

At a press conference he said, “yes, I’ve been listening recently to one of those new-fangled rock and roll numbers I think.”

As if sensing our collective surprise, he went on, “I heard the boys listening to it one day, and having a whale of a time. Harry was doing something like playing an imaginary instrument – you know, like Air Baton where you pretend you’re conducting an invisible orchestra.”

That would be Air Guitar then?

“Yes, something like that. I asked who this beat combo was, and they said it was a band called Queen. And well, naturally that name put me right off. But then I heard the chorus to this song, and it talked about tying your mother down, so I stopped and listened a bit more.”

So what was it that appealed to the future king?

“The words,” he explained. “Those four simple words, Tie Your Mother Down, they were like poetry, in that just like a great poem, they did put ideas into one’s head. Not sure about the bit where it says to lock your daddy out of doors – not at his age – but there are times I’d have gladly taken either of my little brothers swimming with a brick.”

So will he be listening to more songs by Queen?

“I think it’s a possibility. Isn’t one of them dead? The singer I think. Or is it the drummer? And interestingly, that guitar chappie, they tell me he’s the lunatic who played on the roof at the Golden Jubilee concert.”

That would be Brian May, who also wrote the song in question.

“Oh he did, did he? In that case, I must invite him round the palace one time to shake his hand, perhaps even give him a knighthood. Sterling work, sterling work that boy.”

Fingers crossed that it’ll soon be Sir Brian then. In the meantime, I wonder what he’ll make of Bohemian Rhapsody, or even Another One Bites The Dust.