Category: Really fake news

WELCOME TO HELL : Big hearted Home Secretary Priti Patel is stopping at nothing to ensure everyone knows the United Kingdom is now too toxic to seek refuge in. It is not enough to take policy leads from an ageing fascist standing on a beach shouting at waves, we really need to advertise to the world that Brexit Britain is a hell hole if we want to discourage people from fleeing airdrops of British munitions.

“British poo on British beaches is the perfect next step,” a Home Office source told LCD Views. “The Home Secretary herself is said to be planning to lay one in a water treatment plant and have it flushed straight out into the English Channel. There will be a BBC reporter covering the event and following excitedly as Nigel Farage scours the beach to stick a Union Flag in it. It’s going to showcase Brexit Britain to the world like never before.”

Whether or not the plan to ring the UK with floating turds will be successful in convincing the bloody French to keep refugees in bloody France remains to be seen, but it will at least mark a great shift away from the red tape that is throttling economic activity in the health obsessed EU.

“Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander will be standing on the prow of his tug boat and peeing into the Channel too,” the HO source confirms. “We’re stopping at nothing to give Brexit Britain the deserved reputation of a really shit place that no one wants to visit. And importantly, none one can escape from. Unless they’re forrin of course.”

Celebrate today by laying one on the sandy shore of your choice. And watch the British waves carry it just out to sea before bringing it back again the Brexit way.

BILLIONAIRES MARKED SAFE : After days of fevered speculation over how the billions that have been wasted on Track & Trace and dodgy PPE will be paid for an anxious public got their answer. The poorest will pay of course. It’s a Tory government, what else did you expect?

The news was greeted in classic style by the forelock tugging populace too. With Mr Johnson reassured he’s sitting pretty no matter how much he puts the boot into the working classes. It’s reported there were even jubilant scenes and spontaneous street parties as the public heard the news their NI contributions were going up.

“There was bunting. People were doing congas and swinging each other around too. It was mental. Everyone is just so happy that in spite of over 150K dead in the pandemic, including health and social care workers, inheritance wealth isn’t going to be affected. It can just keep on accumulating itself feeding off the masses. Hear that! Ha! There goes another cork of English sparkling wine popping! Boris Johnson has kept his promises to his donors. And they say he can’t be trusted?” one reveller told LCD Views.

But in spite of the joy on the pavements there was also some boring factual information about how hiking the tax on the poorest paid by over 10% to pay for the NHS will impact the broader economy.

“It may take some money out of the economy and funnel it into tax havens,” a Treasury spokesman admitted. “But whatever is lost to the Caymans will be more than offset by the increased wealth of truckers trickling down into the general economy. When you consider how we’ve loosened the requirements for Class One licences, I suspect the nurses may feel a short term pinch in their pockets, before boom times on the motorways will see them sitting pretty.”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Schools back and so is the virus, which never went away anyway, mostly because your Prime Minister just does not care who lives or dies. But the return of school means the return of the strong potential for another lockdown.

“The boss will have to save Christmas,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Even if we have no turkeys, we have no beer, we have no chickens, we have no food at all, we still need to be able to visit each other at Christmas. Boris Johnson will save Christmas. And if that means a lockdown around the October half term than so be it. The only issue is how to sell it to the insane gaggle of sociopaths he’s empowered to get himself into power?”

To attempt to get past that hurdle the PM is going to canvas the public.

“He wants the great British public to choose a new word for lockdowns. Any word will do. This way he can go to the swivel eyed, chauffeur driven lunatics in the Tory parliamentary party and say look, the people have decided! That was a good enough bit of disingenuous bollocks to destroy the fishing and farming industries, it should serve to flatten the autumn curve.”

It’s clear the PM deserves broad and generous praise for his forward planning and willingness to “tackle the tough issues”. Such as how to convince the public it’s alright that hundreds of them are avoidably dying daily because the ERG won’t stand for anything that prevents it.

There are one or two voices of concern though. Some are saying that the way the mass spreading event that is Williamson and schools operates the lockdown will be weeks before the end of October.

But for his part, famous pig fancier David Cameron suggests Johnson should hold a referendum and “Settle the politically doable, avoidable death rate for a generation”.

BROKEN BRITAIN BREAKING : 10 Downing Street has joined forces with its natural allies in the Exchequer today to refute calls for a Windfall Tax on PPE contract profits.

The call to collect the tax from the coffers of the profiteers who cashed in on the pandemic, many of them closely linked to Tory ministers, has not been made yet by a single opposition MP, even though tens of billions has been shoved out the back door of the public bank under the cover of the virus, often in exchange for wildly overpriced and unusable PPE products. There has been no negative consequences for the ethically bankrupt individuals who orchestrated all of it, as they have zero conscience.

“We’re saying NO to the Windfall Tax today,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “People say Mr Johnson’s shambolic and toxic administration is incapable of forward planning, is always taken by surprise by the obvious and then waits for too long to act with deeply negative consequences for real people. Well, we’re out front on this one! Our donors will be protected. A world leading protective ring will be formed around their offshore bank accounts and then it will be ramped up.”

The need to safeguard the immoral profits of donors is obvious as the removal of public money to private bank accounts, with public outcomes not a concern in the slightest, is one of the major motivations for modern Conservatives.

“Our donors can sleep safe in their newly purchased Georgian Manors, secure in knowing they have the money to avoid the worst dangers as we let the virus rip across the country. People are getting sick and dying avoidably each and every day and we could not care in the slightest.”

The bodies piled high, so did the Tory profits, let’s raise the National Insurance contributions of the poor to pay for it.

“Remember, a broken promise is not a broken promise until Boris Johnson has gotten his hands on it. World leading, gold standard disaster capitalism. It’s what the people wanted.”

WHAT AM I : The fat boy of British politics has detonated one of his trade secrets today in a revealing interview with Sloth, the lifestyle magazine of the terminally lazy.

Speaking from a desk he made himself out of empty wine crates he emptied himself, the U.K. Prime Minister let a big dead cat out of a big bag of big dead cats.

“I take this bag with me everywhere I go,” he grinned, hair tousled roguishly as he prepares to plunge millions more into working poverty.

“You need a dead cat each and every day. Mind you there’s so many zombie cats running around Westminster now even I don’t know which is supposed to be a distraction from some avoidable screw up caused by my lazy and neglectful approach to governance and what is a result of my appalling inability to do my job.”

The interviewee paused for several seconds to stare disarmingly into a future full of promise.

“But shall I tell you a bona fide trade secret?” he asked. “One of the cards I keep up my crumpled sleeve and put right back up there each time I use it?”

Yes please.

“You know how I appear to have a fetish for low class attire? It’s not just a gimmick I seriously get off on wearing poor man’s clobber. It makes me feel powerful. I mock them and they think I am trying to be one of them. Ha! What idiots. It’s a great lark.”

Continue.

“But there’s also a hidden motivation that no one seems to realise,” he said enthusiastically. “Essential workers wear hi vis. That’s one of the reasons I do it. I’m bloody desperate to be mistaken for an essential worker and not the walking, bumbling calamity I so obviously am. Totally inessential. I know it. You know it. It’s hilarious.”

Well.

“Now? Who’s up for a swim? Throw a bit of red meat to the press core to distract from the pandemic, Brexit, Afghanistan, Universal Credit, every single thing I let Priti do and who pays for my wallpaper! Huzzah!”

LOOK INTO MY EYES : Dramatic scenes this afternoon at Westminster Irregular Infirmary after Health Secretary Sajid Javid was rushed to A&E by his aides, who feared he was suffering from an overdose of magic mushrooms.

Drug intake among cabinet members is well documented, although most claim it was in their wild youth and prior to elevation through the chumocracy as a reward for supporting Brexit.

Mr Javid’s exact condition is not known but fabricated rumours suggest his condition has been deteriorating for weeks and today it became a crisis “no one could ignore anymore”.

“At first it was just large buildings he believed were new NHS hospitals,” an aide to the ailing Health Secretary told LCD Views. “Then it was portions of buildings that were hospitals which he imagined were entire new structures. Now it’s GP surgeries. Walk-in clinics. The collapse came when he stopped a passing Mr Whippy to purchase a soft serve and noticed the driver of the van was wearing a blood pressure monitor.”

It’s said at that point a wide smile lit up the Health Secretary’s face, his eyes glazed and he declared “The NHS Mr Whippy is now open. The NHS Mr Whippy is the newest of England’s hospitals.”

He is said to have still taken the ice cream from the bemused driver, but failed to eat it after examining it too closely and wondering, “Things like this make people feel better. Maybe they’re hospitals too?”

The ice cream is said to have melted down over his hands. It’s not clear if the driver was paid.

It’s understood Mr Javid will be stabilised at Westminster before being transferred to Moorfields Eye Hospital for specialist treatment.

“I suspect it’s more a neurological issue than anything else,” one medical expert commented. “Or too many mushrooms? Either way he will receive the best care available and once he stops declaring Moorfields a new hospital he may even be let home.”

PRIDE OF BRITAIN : Dominic Raab’s chest is reported as “swelling with pride” today after he clinched a coveted Greek tourism award.

The biggest surprise of the accolade for the world beating Foreign Secretary appears to be that he did not even know he was in the running for it.

“It’s the Olympics of tourism promotion,” said a source inside Raab’s brain, where it lives in spacious surroundings in what has been described by critics as a “post modern masterpiece of mind palace design. Inflexible, toxically masculine lines combine a minimalist approach to mental furnishings and fittings, but the puzzled eye travels about a vista of clean and empty space, as far as there is limited energy and interest to see. To dwell in Raab’s mind palace is to wonder on the mysteries of life such as is any country an island really? And why do people want to ban the tali? Indeed what is a tali? And why are the British so famously work shy? Would debtors prisons encourage them to greater enterprise?”

As to the tourism award itself, the ramped up Secretary of State was awarded the gong for the promotion of Crete as a holiday destination.

“Mr Raab has done more to revive the Cretan tourism industry since the pandemic began,” a member of the award committee told LCD Views. “The relentless media spotlight on the luxurious resorts to be found on the coastline of Crete is invaluable in an era of strong competition for holiday spending.”

It’s not yet clear if Mr Raab will travel personally to collect the award. He now has a full schedule of work tweeting about making work calls. As if advertising himself doing the job he’s fucking paid to do will compensate for not being bothered in the slightest about doing it when he was on Crete, regardless of the lives at risk.

Crete – the sea is always open, just like Mr Raab’s telephone line and mind. Why not spend some idle time there today?

HOLDING BACK THE TIDE : Emergency Services have been placed on high alert today after the UK Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, was reported as “approaching a coastal community with a pair of scissors in his hand”.

The risk of serious injury to the Brain of Britain is obvious, with some trauma experts anticipating “complete carnage” as soon as Mr Raab attempts to use the sharp bladed instrument. A team has been dispatched to catch Raab and swap the grown up scissors for the little ones that toddlers are allowed to run about with.

“The major difficulty in protecting Mr Raab from self-harm is locating him in the first place,” a member of the crash squad told LCD Views. “He is doing his own navigating. In theory he is heading to Carbis Bay, but he could be anywhere by now. He had a head start on his aides. We can’t even locate him by phone as he won’t answer the call. But also he always travels everywhere with it on aeroplane mode and he believes that makes the phone fly. Even going to lunch at work, on the days he does work, you hear him running along merrily down the corridor, holding his phone like a toy plane and making Spitfire noises. He’s such an innocent.”

Why Mr Raab has decided to place himself in harm’s way is obvious at least.

“He declared the sea closed and singlehandedly caused the biggest slump in the tourist industry on Crete since the start of the pandemic,” the source explains. “He’s got some Kremlin linked chap who owns a resort there incredibly cheesed off. He’s trying to make it right by reopening the sea.”

Emergency services have asked that the public be on the lookout for Mr Raab. Not necessarily just near the coast as he could be anywhere, given he’s navigating. He is described as “thick as two planks” and will be wearing a “surprised expression”.

JUST THE GREATEST MINDS : Alarming reports this morning of a man described as “prominent in the Cretan beach circuit” stuck outside his office for hours.

The individual concerned is said to have worked up a “slather of sweat” and to be “straining every sinew” in his powerful brain as he attempts to enter the building.

Apparently numerous people have tried to help during the ordeal, but in spite of watching them enter successfully he has been unable to “replicate the amazing feat” personally.

There is talk of bringing the army in to open the door for the throbbing vein, but getting a time slot for their arrival is difficult as they are already “overwhelmed delivering groceries, driving ambulances and generally attempting valiantly to staunch the haemorrhage in civil society caused by Brexit”.

It appears the man’s unfamiliarity with his place of work has complicated matters and he has no practice of personally opening the door, going inside and getting down to work.

It is hoped his increasingly desperate cries of frustration may eventually lead to an intervention and he will be able to go inside. Presumably to nap.

“Civil servants working for the man have provided detailed briefs on how to enter the Foreign and Commonweath Office building by the front door but he appears not to have read them,” a source at scene reports. “He instead mistook them for underwear, hearing the world briefs, and lost hours trying to wear the papers both in and out of the folder they came in.”

A possible solution is being sought of having someone inside go out and open the door, but there are concerns that will just enrage him.

“There’s a instruction on the door which says ‘PUSH’, but he just keeps on pulling,” the source adds. “It’s not a serious concern. It’s not like he does any work anyway.”

GLOBALLY SHAMED : The UK’s Prime Minister Boris Johnson is said to be “snacking heavily” and “feeling a little bit drowsy” after staying up all night attempting to phone the Taliban.

It’s unreliably reported that at the time of going to print he’s been on hold waiting to talk to the leaders of the group and has been “for hours”. Although reassuringly the endurance test “didn’t stop him having his usual port and whiskey in the small hours”.

It seems after Mr Johnson failed to convince President Joe Biden to even talk to him about the situation in Afghanistan he decided to call the country’s temporary new rulers and talk to them directly.

“The PM figured he’d use his famous charm and sense of humour and win the Taliban over to his way of thinking,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He even has a slogan ready to go – Get Evacuations Done. It’s a showstopper.”

It’s believed his staff did initially manage to connect him to the leader of the Taliban, who promptly asked him to call back on a premium rate phone number.

“Mr Johnson figured it was some kind of test of his sincerity and phoned back on the premium rate number,” the source explains. “Although he waited a few minutes so the Taliban would start to worry if he was never calling again. If they had blown their chance to get on his good side.”

But it seems when he did call back the phone was answered promptly by a staffer in Kabul who then asked him to “Hold please while I transfer your call”. Next there was some muffled background conversation and giggling, before waiting music started playing.

“Vivaldi’s Four Seasons is the waiting music. Mr Johnson is currently listening to autumn for the 10th time and waiting for the start of spring. He will make the breakthrough. He’s got his Alexander the Great gags all ready and waiting to go.”

The per minute cost of the call hasn’t been revealed, although like all of Mr Johnson’s choices it is likely to run into the millions and the taxpayer will foot it.

“If Churchill was alive today he’d do exactly the same,” the source adds, “Boris keeps saying it. Although unlike Churchill, Boris Johnson is an idiot.”