Category: Really fake news

THE ART AND CRAFTS OF WAR : Beleaguered Tory starlet, Boris Johnson, has moved to round out his image today by revealing what he does in his spare time.

“Well people think he’s just a big blonde joke,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “and we’re buggered if we know why. He’s posed with the police and only one of them fainted. He’s turned up to parliament, in order to show off his democracy creds, before closing it. He’s even got himself photographed with a giant bull, to show where he gets his spending commitments.”

But bafflingly none of that has achieved the silverback status it was expected to. Even though the team behind all these PR wins is the same one that thought up the smash hit media win of the Jeremy Corbyn chicken boxes.

“So we thought it’s time to show his personal side. His arts and crafts. Give people a view into the inner swirling cesspit that is their prime minister, by having him talk about what he does in his spare time?”

And what does he do?

“Drinks a lot of wine, clearly, just to cope with the unbelievable mess he’s making of being PM. And then uses the empty wine boxes to make subservient parliaments. He even paints little faces on to show all the MPs cheering in support of whatever fascist bit of nonsense he decrees law. It’s very relaxing for him. It’s like affirmations.”

That will endear him to the people. Has he made a Parliament today?

“Yes. And he followed it up by drinking even more, getting absolutely hammered, and making a general election out of the empties too. Although we don’t know if he won it, as he spilled some wine on a real sofa and had to leg it.”

WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER : The latest Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sajid Javid, has taken to his feet in the House of Commons today to announce sweeping changes to the way the public coffers are filled, and then emptied.

“The magic money tree is dead,” Mr Javid began his address, “so we have to seek coin in different pockets. Put our hands in different pockets. Pluck the green shoots of a newer harvest. To this end we are seeking the involuntary support of the generation that will most fully enjoy the benefits of Brexit.”

He then talked about sunlit uplands for a while, going so far as to describe how he pictured arriving at them on a double decker bus of the spirit, before…

“There will be unicorns. Children love unicorns. They get them as gifts all the time. But do they ever pay for them? Little scroungers. Well, no more I say! No more bad parenting ruining the chances of poor children! We can not, we, the caring conservatives, and hoodie huggers, no matter how hard we slash the public services! No matter how many youth centres we close! We can not do this alone. The children of Britain must stand up and put their hands in their pockets. We are all in this together! Some of more than others. We have all chosen our destiny.”

He then called himself The Saj for ten minutes, as if it in somehow made him relevant, before returning to the tax on kids.

“Tighten your belts children! Pull up your braces! Be prepared for a means tested tax on your pocket money. Do your part for Mother England.”

The means testing will mean only children earning under £1,000 per annum in pocket money will pay, at a rate of no less…

“And no more than 75%.”

Sounds fair.

“Trust the Saj! And pay your way for Brexit. It’s your future we’re paving.”

CHEATING CAN BE HABIT FORMING : 10 Downing Street is rumoured to be in lockdown this afternoon after a key government strategy to win crucial No Deal votes in the House of Commons was leaked to the press.

“The old Westminster saying of ‘you don’t have to be high to work here, but it helps’ was said to be the inspiration for the latest government strategy to see off Tory rebels after lying, cheating, blackmail, bribery and garden variety physical violence threats all appear to have failed,” our regular user of politics reports.

It seems the scheme to spike all drinks at the House of Commons bar with crystal meth was hit on, after an earlier mass kidnap plot was ruled out as having for too many health and safety requirements.

“Initially the plan was to trigger the fire alarm each time a vote was taking place,” our reporter invents, “but that was discarded as the building has been on fire since 23/06/16 and no one seemed to care much, till now.”

Another wheeze of Mr Johnson individually seducing every single MP, and stealing their entry pass while they slept, was ditched when it was calculated just how time consuming it would be. And besides, he’s busy trying to shag the entire UK, so it was deemed overkill.

“Also got rid of was a plan to change the locks, but that was ruined by Bercow having superglued himself to his chair, along with Ken Clarke.”

But once Angela Leadsom remembered how funny wacky backy made her feel, old dealer Gove is reported to have allegedly said he could look up some old friends, the crystal meth plan was hatched.”

But this now lies in ruins too due to a leak.

“I’m not sure it would have succeeded anyway,” our reporter guesses, “they’ve all had to have been already completely off their tits for years to allow our politics to get to the deranged state it is.”

It’s a lot of hot air! Bouncy castle manufacturer Bounce 4 Boris is offering to replace the outdated Palace of Westminster with brightly coloured inflatables.

It’s a fantastic idea. It means that anywhere with a bit of open space can now accommodate Parliament, and have a fun family day out at the same time.

“People have tried to blow up Parliament before,” remarked managing director Guy Ropes. “But we are the first people to succeed!”

Bounce 4 Boris is hosting pop-up Parliaments across the length and breadth of the UK. “We are choosing iconic locations, such as Blackpool beach and the Angel of the North,” explained Ropes. “We are taking Parliament to The People!”

It will be an unprecedented spectacle. Grown men and women, accustomed to behaving like children anyway, will now be able to get some much needed exercise during debates, and anyone can join in so long as they take their shoes off first.

One problem has arisen, unfortunately. There is a team of puffed-up rogues, all hot air and empty promises, who are determined to prevent Parliament meeting at all. These characters, who consist of modelling balloons roughly joined together, want to prick the pomposity of the pop-up Parliament.

These overblown, twisted characters he been warned about using sharp instruments, as they themselves are particularly blunt instruments.

The pro-prorogue rogue element is determined to stop inflation.

“It’s do or die,” came the message from the inflatable Number Ten, currently hosting a child’s birthday party in a minor provincial city. “We cannot allow The People anywhere near the debate, they gave their opinion loud and clear in an illegal advisory referendum in which anyone who voted the wrong way was deemed not to have voted. The oxygen of publicity must go, and go now!”

In the dead of night, the saboteurs slashed the bouncy Parliament, also damaging the inflatable Queen, and puncturing themselves in the process.

“One is most disappointed,” remarked the deflated Queen. “You’ve let me down, let Parliament down, and let yourselves down.”

Prime Minister Pants On Fire has told another whopper. All the No Deal preparations have, apparently, been done, says Boris Johnson, with his fingers tightly crossed behind his back.

The Whopper-o-Meter has been turned up to eleven for this one, though. Boris is hoping that having croggsies will save him.

As everybody knows, having croggsies (or skinch, faynites, exes, kings etc.) is enough to protect you from yourself. Boris therefore believes he has immunity from his every action and word. No wonder that he mimics Churchill’s hands behind his back pose.

Another advantage is that nobody can now tig him, so everybody else has to go chasing round in a futile manner. Nobody can TIG him, either.

Boris also believes that this action will prevent his pants catching fire. Unfortunately for him, even asbestos knickers have proved ineffective.

Everything will be just fine, the PM insists. Pharmacies are being advised to stockpile six weeks’ worth of essentials, ‘just in case’ No Deal Brexit turns out to be a bit shit.

Householders are being encouraged to turn over their prize lawns to produce six months’ worth of spuds by the end of October, on the off chance that Ireland won’t smuggle enough of them across the frictionless border to ensure that fat Englishmen get their daily ration of chips.

Johnson is hoping that nobody will notice that the EU will refuse to trade with the UK until we settle our liabilities, which Boris insists he will not do.

Johnson wants to dispose of his predecessor’s compromises, which made her deal possible, if not desirable. He wants to dismantle it despite voting for it, and carry on fudging until the last minute. With croggsies to get him off the hook.

Don’t panic! It could be worse. We could have nuclear hurricanes if Donald Trump gets his way. Instead we have Boris Johnson trying to divert the coming shitstorm with a Roman candle and a couple of sparklers.

WEAR IT WITH PRIDE : The sound and sober economic managers temporarily installed in Downing Street have the British chequebook out again today to help patriotic Britons celebrate Brexit.

“We’re all Brexiters now,” a spokesman for the Chancellor told LCD Views, “even tens of millions of people who believe it is nonsense and don’t want a bar of it. So too the majority of MPs who are prepared to go down in history (as things stand) as the last parliament of the United Kingston.”

The t-shirts have been designed at massive expense by relatives of the current government.

“You can’t keep everyone signed up to the rights stripping, unchecked free market revolution in insulin costs if they don’t see a tangible, personal benefit,” the spokesman said, “So a t-shirt seems symbolic and important. A white t-shirt to celebrate the primary colour of the changes being experienced by our bold, seafaring, soon to be global trading, buccaneering, t-shirt wearing country.”

While the gift will be free on receipt, wearing them will be a matter of primary legislation.

“Clearly choosing to not wear your Brexit t-shirt will be symbolic of being a fifth columnist, collaborator with the unelected, technocratic, t-shirt hating busybodies in the EU. We suggest you wear it. Wear it with pride.”

But questions have been asked as to why the design does not feature a Union Jack? The first flag ever to be flown on Earth by any country and clearly the best.

“That’s because we don’t know how the flag will look after Brexit,” the spokesman shrugged, “but the lower tax rates, abolition of basic human rights and asset stripping promised by Brexit is judged to be worth it.”

Your Brexit t-shirt, wear it with pride, and help celebrate the Boris Johnson Eton mess.

TMS WILL BE BOOKED TO MAKE IT BEARABLE : Fantastic news today for English radio owners with the announcement of the unconfirmed and completely fabricated rumour that Geoffrey Boycott has been commissioned to provide commentary of No Deal Brexit economic collapse.

“We need someone old enough to remember when Shane Warne didn’t play cricket,” a Home Office official tasked with providing running commentary on a No Deal told LCD Views, “and vitally, given Brexiters’ love of referencing a war none of them fought in, we need someone who never faced Shane Warne to make the relevant comparisons.”

The commentary itself is aimed to be roaming and to be broadcast live wherever the action is.

“Clearly relating lorry back ups for miles at Dover will require the skill of someone who knows what to do with rhubarb,” the official advised, “and the ability to wait out day after day stubbornly refusing to budge until something moves.”

It’s hoped the listening public will supply cakes to the team as they broadcast.

“Seriously, get baking. And if you don’t have the necessary ingredients post No Deal, then improvise, just like English batsmen did faced with the prospect of having to come up with a duck when faced with a gogglie, or whatever it was that spun about them unexpectedly and got them out. Why go into bat against Warne anyway? There wasn’t any point. Just like a No Deal Brexit.”

Who else from the TMS team will get involved isn’t yet clear, with too many of them sounding too rooted in the modern world to qualify.

“We expect John Humphry’s will be happy to sit alongside Geoffrey as the much anticipated collapse of the economy commences. They’ll just play off one another. John’s delight at the end of the UK’s innings will marry well with Geoffrey’s scorn for a financial services industry who wouldn’t have a bloody clue what to do with sovereignty.”

History Never Repeats : Russian President Vlad ‘the’ Putin announced, via a press interview with Time magazine today, that his government had personally started filming the second season of TV hit ‘Chernobyl’.

“What me worry?” Mr Putin kicked off the Q&A with the entertainment media with a question of his own, “this is nothing to worry about. Do I look worried?”

When asked to confirm, or deny, if the smart phone footage being widely shared across social media over the last week was a leak from the production site, Mr Putin just shrugged.

“Maybe it’s just a taste of what’s to come?” he replied, with another question, “Russian special effects are just the greatest special effects. Really the greatest. Not many people know this, but we do the biggest pretend nuclear explosions in the world. Everybody says it. Ask anybody.”

But when pressed by reporters why he was clenching a bottle of iodine tablets, Mr Putin was less than impressed.

“What these? Oh, there is nothing to see here. These are stunt iodine tablets. You see, ask anyone who has ever worked with me, if they’re still alive, and they’ll tell you when I work on television shows I am a method director. So I take iodine because that is what I would do if there was a real nuclear explosion.”

But in spite of the ready explanation for the mysterious events at the distant TV studio, conspiracy theorists have already begun putting on their lead hats, lead t-shirts, lead pants and lead trousers and reaching for the implausible.

“They’re not filming season two of Chernobyl,” Mr Moon Landing posted on Twitter, “they’ve just blown up all the evidence they have of meddling in the Trump election and Brexit. Also what they’ve been up to with the Italians. It’s staring everyone in the face! Sheeples!”

Mr Putin refused to be drawn on such silly speculation, instead asking the reporters what they thought of the tagline for season two of Chernobyl.

“Chernobyl 2.0 – a small nuclear reactor blows up in a deadly explosion which hardly anyone noticed,” he tried it out, “do you like it or do you think it’s too understated? Do you think it should be more personal?”

Well get back to you just as soon as the radiation detectors across Western Europe have had a chance to read it…

WHO CALLS THEIR SON RICHARD WHEN THEIR SURNAME IS BRAINE : The latest temporary leader of the English zombie plague UKIP, Richard Braine, has made his mark immediately by offering Britons dietary advice.

“You are what you eat and you only eat your surname,” said Dick Braine, in an apparently irony free bit of gammonsplaining, “I eat what’s in my name. Eating brains is the cornerstone of five a day. The rest is hippy snowflake nonsense designed to boost the Belgium vegetable industry to the detriment of the NATURAL BORNE BRITISH VEGETABLE GROWER!!,!!”

The advice was welcomed by the shrinking band of followers of the superseded outfit. Most of the former members of Dick’s zombie plague have been hit in the head with a shovel stamped “BXP” and started following the nicotine stained, serial death dodger who holds the shovel.

“If we can all eat enough braines and brains we can change the British political landscape forever,” he added, “mostly by only having a political landscape in England. And a Little England at that. I’ll personally see that as a victory as I continue my slide down the plughole of nostalgia into the comfort zone of obscurity and a misunderstood national history.”

The advice was presumably welcomed by the shrinking band of zombies still following Mr Braine’s UKIP undead pack. As to what the rest of us thought of it? We just decided to make fun of his name, to take it as a gift from a universe that hasn’t lost its sense of humour, and play with it.

INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE : The unelected bureaucrat Dominic Cummings, currently running the United Kingdom into disaster (because it allows Boris Johnson to have long naps?), has announced he has replaced Larry the Downing Street cat with a fluffy white Persian cat.

“It’s the will of the people,” a hungry and unshaven Cummings told reporters waiting outside his 10 Downing Street home, “and you ain’t seen nothing yet. Nothing can stop me smashing the establishment. I’m just going to keep coming up with ways to transform the country.”

Whether or not you think your elected representatives, or yourself, should have a say in these changes doesn’t figure in Mr Cummings mad scheming.

“I’m anti-establishment. I’m the anti-establishment maverick,” he added, “I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it. Well, if by genius you mean well funded manipulator and propagandist. I’m going to smash the establishment.”

By establishment he appears to mean representative democracy, regulatory safeguards and presumably the national health service.

“I’m anti-establishment,” he reiterated, “well, those parts of it that have grown out of all control since the Glorious Revolution of the 17th century. Look at my place in society? It’s born to rule. Parliament is an irritant that needs putting back in its place. I’m a genius. But I’m too modest to say it.”

But why get rid of Larry the mouser from Downing Street?

“He makes the plebs happy,” Mr Cummings spat, “that’s reason enough. But also, when I’m relaxing in the prime minister’s chair and dreaming up new genius ways to convince the great unwashed they want to smash those parts of the establishment that safeguard them from hard right moneymen, I want a pussy I can stroke. And Larry isn’t that.”