Category: Really fake news

CURSED TO WALK FOREVER FILMING NONSENSE : LCD Views can confirm today that the Exorcist, sent by the Vatican, to West Suffolk at the request of terrified constituents has concluded his investigation into the ‘selfie’ apparition.

“It’s still walking the streets and pavements at dawn most days,” Father Pater Pater confirmed, “I have seen it with my own eyes. It’s definitely ghoulish. It’s aims are certainly terrifying. But it’s of this world. I can not exorcise West Suffolk for you.”

The ‘selfie’ apparition first appeared in the area some weeks ago and initially appeared to modernise hauntings by posting short video blogs of itself screaming into the void on Twitter. Sometimes trees appeared to grow out of its head. Other times it was just the darkness surrounded dead eyes. Now and then it seemed to fancy possessing a motor vehicle.

Initial reports also said the apparition focused heavily on scaring people with nonsense maths about nurses, quiet outsourcing of the services related to national health, curious receipt of monies by US private health lobbyists and even invoking the war dead in a cynical attempt to become Head Ghoul of the Walking Dead Party. That alone should have seen it sent back to whatever ghastly realm it has escaped from.

That is possible, but it won’t be achieved by supernatural means.

“It’s Matt Hancock,” Father Pater Pater shrugged, “West Suffolk can exorcise itself next week at the ballot box. I’d advise you to do so lest your NHS becomes a dead zone.”

The incident of Jack the Ripper has long fascinated every amateur and professional sleuth in the country, but now it seems there is a new angle to the case. Some fresh evidence has emerged – or is going to emerge – that will completely reshape – or has reshaped – how we think about the character of the famous Victorian serial killer.

Time travellers have (allegedly) returned from the year 5349 with a rather eyebrow-raising perspective. Future historian Professor Les Gobak, who claims to have been born in the year 5296, offered this take on the situation:

“Jack the Ripper escaping from his own time was an accident, and we apologise whole-heartedly. One of my team was doing some investigation in London in the year 1888, and encountered Jack the Ripper who killed her and took her time key. However it was set with a security mechanism which limits unauthorised use. If someone does use it without the proper identification, it will just transport them a century forward in time and then self-destruct, leaving the user stranded in a time completely foreign to them.”

So Jack the Ripper escaped into the late 20th century. That would explain why he was never caught. But then what?

“We detected the unauthorised use of the key, but unfortunately we couldn’t get back to the exact year, too much nuclear fallout from the Chernobyl explosion. Nuclear disasters on that scale make it impossible for us to be accurate within a decade when travelling back. This is the closest we have been able to get to, but we can confirm that ‘Jack’ is still alive and doing very well for himself.”

Does that mean the time travellers from the future can make a positive identification of this scoundrel?

“We can. It wasn’t hard. All we had to do was look for someone with their head in the past, spouting Victorian values. Obviously at this period in British politics there’s quite a lot of candidates for this but we had no difficulty in identifying Jacob Rees-Mogg as the guilty party.”

I was about to ask the professor all sorts of questions about how he was certain but they all died on my lips because his statement actually answers them all. The only question remaining was, if his identification was accepted, what was to be done about him?

“He [allegedly] killed one of my team and escaped from his own time. That means he has to face justice in the 54th century. It will be easier to extract him if he can be removed from his position of power though. The less sway he holds in this time, the less damage he can do to future history.”

Presumably this is why Professor Gobak turned up now?

“Yes. If the people can get rid of him democratically, that’ll be enough, and we can take it from there.”

The whole story sounded crazy, but somehow had the ring of truth to it. Justice is now dependent on the votes in general, and North East Somerset in particular. If you want Jack the Ripper to stand trial for his crimes, vote against Jacob Rees-Mogg and his party come election day.

WHAT IS THE RPM OF ONE RAAB : It hardly needs be said that in the closing stages of a general election campaign the last thing anyone campaigning for re-election needs is the beginnings of divorce proceedings.

But that is exactly the cruel fate that has befallen one of the stars of US imperial capitalism, Dominic ‘the navigator’ Raab, even while he fights a winner takes all battle against reality in Esher and Walton.

“Shortly before 9am this morning a throbbing vein appeared on the steps of the Old Bailey to hold a press conference,” our marital matters correspondent reports, “the vein itself, dressed in a black lace face covering and a wooly jacket, was still immediately recognisable as the one usually to be found pulsating on the right temple of the man who discovered Dover.”

But it seems being in a union with the man responsible for recently revealing that the UK’s mainland is an island is not all it seems.

“Dominic and I have been as one for as long as I can remember,” the vein said, in a voice that went DA-dum DA-dum in rhythm, “I believe, thanks to regression therapy, that we were together even before I become self-aware. But. BA-but. All good things must come to An-d end. Today I am announcing I Ha-ve petitioned for divorce from Dominic and I wish to begin a new life as an entirely separate entity.”

The reasons given for the petition appear to be unreasonable behaviour.

“The pressure of coping with his accelerating pulse, each time he appears in public to dissemble has become too much,” the vein explained, “so too the effort to contain his rising blood pressure when people repeat to Dominic the things he’s said in the past, both about the NHS and women. Oh, and food banks. Oh, and Brexit. I persisted with him, in spite of my misgivings, during his attempts to bully the EU. A laughable and embarrassing series of private moments in which I must confess I found myself looking longingly at the smooth temple of Michel Barnier. But DOm’s sheer blood pounding bafflement at the recent GE hustings has broken the final bonds between us.”

Concerns were expressed by the assembled press corp over how the vein expected Mr Raab to cope without it?

“I have already arranged for a section of standard, garden hose pipe to replace me on his RI-ght temple. I suspect he will go on largely unaffected. As for myself? I expect to appear on Love Island next year. And I expect to find love anew on that desperate patch of sand and put recent experiences behind me.”

LCD Views would like to wish the vein good luck as it continues its journey into sentience and hopes that one day it will find a new temple to pulsate on, much to the amazement of all onlookers.

EVERY SPERM IS SACRED : The reason that Victorian sperm fountain, Jacob Rees-mogg, is so hard to locate today has been revealed with the fake news of a bust up between him and Boris Johnson.

“He’s in hiding,” our NE Somerset reporter reports, “I’ve been looking for him for months. I almost caught him last week, but the giant blue rosette he was wearing turned into a floating carpet and he sailed away back to the rock he hides under. Which is a shame. I wanted to ask him some fire safety advice.”

But more importantly, why is he in hiding? Is he not seen as an electoral asset? Baffling if so!

“It’s not because of the shameful things he said about Grenfell, that any human with an ounce of dignity would have already resigned from public office over.”

Okay, is it being part of a plan to hoodwink the aged monarch into unlawfully suspending parliament?

“Don’t make me laugh. Water off a duck’s back to old Jacob that was. Remember when he and Steve Baker used parliamentary privilege to malign the civil service with concocted smears? So no, it’s not that.”

Was it lying stretched out contemptuously on the green benches during a pivotal parliamentary debate? Leader of the House come liar of the house?

“Really. You aren’t showing the sort of imagination I expect. And before you mention it, no, it’s not moving his investment fund to Dublin to escape the financial carnage of Brexit. And it’s not the money he’s invested in a sanctioned Russian bank.”

I’ve got it! The sales of his book on Victorians? Written from a first hand perspective.

“The wonderfully woeful sales? No. Not that. He has no shame.”

Then what?

“Apparently he got into a bust up with Boris Johnson over who has fathered the most children.”

Well, they both have fathered six…although Boris Johnson doesn’t seem too keen on the aftercare.

“Are you sure on the number? Boris wouldn’t tell even Jacob, he just said, allegedly, five or six, but perhaps a dozen more. Jacob was so furious he went home into seclusion until he’s fathered seventus, eightus, ninthus and maybe even more. Pater v Pater!”

Nanny is going to be busy!

“With a man child like Jacob Rees-mogg to care for, Nanny never gets a day’s rest.”

MATT IS A RIGHT LITTLE TRIER : The BBC are in the first stage of a now standardised procedure followed whenever there is a cock up in the editing suite.

“They are denying editing footage of Health and Social Care Outsourcing Minister, Matt ‘men dead on the beaches’ Hancock at the GE hustings in his West Suffolk constituency,” our mole inside Broadcasting House says,

“in fact they are claiming the footage being widely circulated on social media of Little Matt getting his arse handed to him is actually the fake.”

But how long the BBC will maintain that images of Mr Hancock receiving a standing ovation from his adoring constituents, before being carried shoulder high in triumph by colleagues is real, is not clear.

“It’s not very credible,” our source goes on, “the people in the room started first heckling and then laughing in Mr Hancock’s face when he claimed another Conservative government would recruit an extra infinity+1 NHS nurses before New Years Eve.”

As has become routine now it is expected the Beeb will shortly admit the footage was altered, for timing reasons, a senior management figure will get passive aggressive on Twitter, before the new house of cards collapses.

“What’s more confusing to my mind is why CCHQ are bothering to alter BBC footage for campaign videos when the impartial, public broadcaster already has the matter well in hand, as evidenced by the triumph of Hancock’s half hour.”

IF YOU BELIEVE THEM YOUR SECOND LOBOTOMY IS FREE : The conning Con GE con filled general election campaign moved up a gear today as the conning Cons decided to involve the NHS.

“Nurses! Nurses! Nurses! Come and get your nurses here!” Little Matty Hancock dutifully cried, “we’ve nurses galore! You’ve never seen so many nurses. Pick any colour you like, as long as it’s white!”

For the event Little Matty was dressed in striped tights, a second hand ringmaster’s coat tails and a broken top hat. And boy was he brimming with enthusiasm. The big boys had chosen him as their latest useful idiot and he was making the most of it.

But he wasn’t alone. Nicky Morgan, one of the more confused Tory MPs, so busy turning in circles she never knows these days if she’s coming or going. She was on TV!

She was facing the heat over where the government was going to get 50,000,000,001 new nurses from, given they’d dedicated the last 9 years to getting rid of them.

“It’s perfectly reasonable,” Mrs Morgan beamed, “we’ve discovered an inter-dimensional portal to a parallel universe that’s only populated by unemployed nurses. The brainiacs at Con HQ have discovered a Nursiverse! We will just kidnap, lure, trap or otherwise con the 500,000,000,001 fully trained, NHS oven ready nurses into our dimension.”

While it’s been acknowledged for some time that Boris Johnson’s government had built on May’s work building a portal to a Lieverse, the discovery of the Nursiverse is sure to go down well with the electorate.

“But I must confess,” Morgan added, “the one at the end is a stretch target. But the 500,000,000,000 is guaranteed.”

This is clearly great news for anyone concerned about the future of the NHS if the conning Cons con their way back into government following the December 12th GE.

“And what’s even more exciting,” Morgan completed, “we’re now searching for the Tradeverse. I expect an exciting announcement about the discovery of endless oven ready FTA’s soon.”

This all isn’t so much as oven ready but over baked. I don’t know about you but I suspect someone has been cooking up porkies.

DEGREES OF SEPARATION: The Chinese walls at the all-English BBC are working just fine, claims the BBC. Sharing resources is an efficient way of working, and in no way forms a conflict of interest.

Except that the shared resource is the Conservative party’s notorious visual media editing facility, or video doctors. In recent weeks this unit has produced video clips of Labour politicians, doctored to make them look more stupid than they really are. The BBC has tasked them with making Boris Johnson look less stupid than he really is.

“It’s not our job to point out what an idiot the Prime Minister is,” explained an unrepentant Phil Meditor, head of the BBC’s Propaganda Department. “It’s our job to present him as a credible, competent and popular candidate!”

LCD Views’ Not At All Biased correspondent wondered how the BBC could remain impartial while using the Tory disinformation service.

“We are always impartial towards Boris Johnson!” replied Meditor. “This is our brief, after all.”

How are the public going to make an informed decision about current affairs, if even the BBC are distributing fake news?

“He who pays the piper calls the tune,” replied Meditor. “We are government funded, after all!”

Unfortunately this means the BBC is sacrificing its long standing reputation for reliability and impartiality on the altar of short term convenience. This is something the corrupt wing of the Conservative party (aka the ERG) has sought for years.

“We don’t want a broadcaster, much less a publicly owned mouthpiece, saying things we don’t like,” said unashamed ERG member Justin Kaysov-Exposure. “How better to control the narrative then to bully the BBC by threatening to cancel the licence fee and make them show ads like all the other channels? Well that didn’t work, so we, erm, ‘persuaded’ David Cameron to stuff the higher echelons of BBC News with, you know, people like us. And if they squawk, we will start up with the licence fee thing again!”

The BBC is appealing to the lowest common denominator. Some would say that’s our job. In the meantime, their current affairs section should be called BBC News In Name Only.

A PICTURE DOESN’T LIE : The BBC has responded to the latest furore regarding its efforts to get outgoing Tory PM Boris Johnson re-elected with another entirely credible explanation.

“It’s the best excuse we could come up with, given the time constraints imposed upon us by social media and all those busybodies who insist on double checking our completely honest output,” Head of News Tailoring, Mr K Remlin, told LCD Views, “we couldn’t get the actual footage of Mr Johnsonov back from the film developers in time, so we used archive footage of someone he totally looks like.”

Mr K Remlin went on to say that using footage of little known historical statesman, Winston Churchill “in no way altered the perception of [the complete shower of bumbling farkery that is] Mr Johnson. If anything it detracted negatively, given that Mr Johnson is able to combine stretching exercises with speeches in a way that other guy never dreamed of.”

Whether or not the explanation will satisfy the critics is not yet clear. Suspicions have been mounting lately over the BBC’s presumed impartiality. And these are on top of the concern raised by news anchors shouting “but the people have decided!” for years now at anyone threatening to undermine the will of Vladimir Putin.

“This run of editorial mishaps is perfectly understandable,” Mr K Remlin continued, “you try getting Boris Johnson re-elected! You’re not going to do it without a few errors in the editing suite, let me tell you.”

It’s not entirely clear if the BBC’s reputation can sustain many more of these incidents, but this shouldn’t worry anyone, as news is now just entertainment.

“Tomorrow we will be running a feature documentary showing how Boris Johnson reached the summit of Mount Everest before that Sherpa guy. It’s all true too. Just lie back and enjoy the ride.”

And remember, the first casualty of war is truth, and the second appears to be the credibility of publicly funded broadcasting. But only if you lie back and allow it.

SALTY TASTY IRON RICH DIETS : Mystery solved today with the explanation as to why Britain’s most famous fire survival expert has been missing from the Tory GE campaign.

“He’s busy drinking the blood of virgins,” a source inside the rambling 12th Century Gothic revival Transylvanian tribute act castle that houses Mogg revealed today, “although why he needs such a big residence when he spends half the day in a coffin is anyone’s guess.”

The drinking of blood has long been thought to restore the vital essences of certain undead life forms and no more so than when facing stiff critique.

“The whole storm in a teacup over his comments regarding scores of people that burned to death in a tower block fire really took its toll,” the source continues, “his hair went lanky and albino. His skin had more folds than a novelty restaurant napkin, his nails pretty much dragged on the ground, and don’t get me started on the wreak of decay his every motion unleashed.”

But while the explanation for his absence from the Conservative GE campaign makes perfect sense, it has also given rise to further controversy.

“Apparently some of the blood is imported,” the source shrugged, “but so what? He’s opened a branch of Somerset Capital in Dublin, so as to mitigate the impact of the economically ruinous Brexit project he’s driving onto poor people. He’s apparently invested millions in Russian banks under international sanctions. So why shouldn’t he be international on blood supply to feed his unquenchable thirst?”

Good question.

“In fact he finds the blood of any virgin quite uplifting.”

Which is exactly how he finds the booming food bank sector.

Drink deep and recuperate. Britain needs a man who knows how to Google phrases in Latin to impress idiots on the stump. And it needs a man who knows when to stand up and when to lie, and lie down.

JUST MAKE SOMETHING GO BANG : A task force is steaming north today after Prime Minister Boris Johnson ordered an immediate invasion of the Shetland Islands.

“This has nothing to do with his appalling and shambolic, tone deaf performance on the BBCQT ‘Leaders’ debate last night,” a Downing Street source, given temporary control of the MOD, told LCD Views, “and all to do with a pre-emptive strike against Scotland. There is no reason to release the intelligence report on Russian interference in British politics until after the December 12th GE either. I don’t even know why I’ve mentioned it.”

A pre-emptive strike against Scottish islands is thought very clever in relation to support for the prime minister. Military analysts are working on the assumption it is to head off the eventual nationalisation of the Shetlands by a resurgent Federation of Scotland.

“It’s clear that once Boris Johnson ‘gets brexit done’ that Scotland will secede about half an hour later,” Mr Bumble Bang, lead military encourager at the International Institute for Instituting Less Tolerance, commented, “so an invasion of the prized islands now shows more forethought than we assumed 10 Downing Street possessed.”

Invasions of the Hebrides, Orkney’s, Skye and many others are expected to follow later in the week, as the Prime Minister pursues a strategy of encirclement of Holyrood.

“We expect resistance to be minimal,” the MOD source went on, “largely because we’re sending the leaky aircraft carriers that don’t have any aircraft yet. But just the sight of those giant ships temporarily mooring for repairs in the harbours of the various islands should be enough to lead to an immediate capitulation and the reclaiming of British territory while it’s still British.”

Whether or not this deft move will sufficiently distract from Boris Johnson being shown up for what he is remains to be seen.

“It doesn’t look like anyone is going to invade our islands for us, as the current war is being fought digitally. It’s clear we’re at war because the first casualty has been truth,” the source added, “now let’s wish our brave boys and girls well and hope for a speedy triumph of the North Sea.”