Category: Really fake news

DANCING SICKNESS : RUMOURS ARE ALWAYS SWIRLING ABOUT THE MALADMINISTRATION of Britain’s own Colonel Kurtz and his deputy de Privates piffle Johnson, but never more so than now as the world’s stock markets continue in free fall.

Here at global publishing powerhouse, LCD Views, we’re always happy to add to the blatant fake news, under the confident assumption that the nonsense we make up today will be tomorrow’s headlines.

“It’s reported that Boris Johnson is panic selling and short positioning his own personal stock of British Exceptionalism,” our financial whiz kid rumourmongers, we suspect in an attempt to game the market.

The imagined sell off is said to be on the back of Mr Johnson going so long in BE since he began his mad dash towards Downing Street in early 2016, that he’s now longer in the rapidly devaluing paper than his own lying nose.

“He’s still investing heavily in BE with the public purse,” our financial Guru continues, “but that’s just a cover for the moment he triggers the mass sell off. About the time the weird discrepancy in the reported Covid-19 cases in the UK is explained by an expected torrent of cases breaking across the country’s hospitals.”

We don’t advise you to take investment advice from a gutter rag like ourselves.

We do advise you that if you hear a client journalist of the crazed and isolationist regime in Downing Street explain away the catastrophic error in early Coronavirus modelling with the ridiculous line “the science has changed”, you should know that the Domocalypse is Now and it’s time to self isolate.

COMETH THE HOUR WHERE IS THE MAN : Britain’s shite Churchill tribute act, Boris de coughille Johnson, has sought to get back in the front of the fight against Covid-19 today by changing his personal habits.

“He’s no longer making buses and painting little people on the side,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “he’s now making ICU ventilators. He’ll do this in his spare time, which given that he never does any actual work, he should be able to produce dozens of them just this month.”

The news will be reassuring for Britons, who may get the vague impression from the contradictory briefings to select journalists, that the gaslighting tossers that brought you Brexit, via manipulation of just enough of a largely comatose electorate, don’t have a clue what to do about Coronavirus except gaslight it.

“The whole, we’re going to thin the herd strategy favoured by Dom and the Eugenicists (Great band! You should catch them live) has gone down a bit rum. Some are worried it’s sacrificed our position of leadership right at the start of the crisis. We can’t personally think why? I despise Christmas with my parents. And if enough of the oldies drop off the perch then women will have to give up work and return to full time childcare in the home. The crazed religious types will love it. It’s really a win win for several of the more insane sects within the Conservative Party.”

Of course not all of Europe’s leaders are taking an arts and crafts approach to the Covid-19 crisis. Some of them foolishly built sovereign wealth funds, rather than splurging oil cash on tax breaks for the wealthy.

After the Danes yday the Norwegian govt has set out what it will do for workers affected by #COVID19:

🇳🇴 Full pay for those laid off for 20 days.
🇳🇴 Self employed get 80% of their average income the last 3 years – ceiling 600k NOK (£48000).
🇳🇴money for carers of Covid patients.

— Lewis Goodall (@lewis_goodall) March 16, 2020

“It really just shows you how frivolous and easily panicked foreigners are. They don’t have the stomach to take it on the chin like the British. You just pay attention, whenever a large enough wedge of the general public take it into their own hands to get in front of the Coronavirus crisis, the government will be right behind to follow their lead and claim leadership.”

The NHS will be taking delivery of the first Johnson made ICU machine just as soon as he’s finished emptying the crate of Pétrus, which at a £1,000 a bottle (retail) makes a Johnson ventilator competitively priced.

NEWSNIGHT INFOTAINMENT SPECIAL : Never, ever let it be said that if Britain has a hole to dig that Nigel Farage won’t be there holding a shovel.

To this end everybody’s favourite sixty a day expert is on hand to ease concerns over coughing in public in the age of Coronavirus.

Later this evening Mr Farage will personally make his 4,536th BBC appearance to information the great British public about a key issue related to Covid-19.

“British Imperial Tobacco have asked for Mr Farage’s help in keeping the public aware that there is a difference between a cough symptomatic of Covid-19 and a standard, vigorous and perfectly in infectious smoker’s cough,” an aide to Mr Farage told LCD Views.

The concern of BIT rightly centres on an anxiety that heavy smokers may start to cut back during the global pandemic, out of a concern of social isolation relating to their normal, healthy cough.

Behaviour generating social isolation has never worried Mr Farage, in fact he’s specialised in it, to the point where the entire UK is now socially isolating on its own continent.

“We all know that regularly smoking, each quarter hour, helps lungs remain healthy with the exercise inhaling and exhaling smoke and its particles involves,” the aide continued, “there is even reputable scientific advice that lungs full of smoke suffocate Clovid-19. It’s vital that people keep hammering in the coffin nails even if they aren’t self isolating. You don’t want to alarm friends, family members and colleagues by sudden changes in behaviour. That will just cause panic.”

But how can you tell the difference?

“It’s perfectly simple, as Nigel will explain while puffing away. A smoker’s cough indicates that death is potentially still years away, whereas a Covid-19 cough could mean days. Just look for the shadow of death near or behind the individual concerned and most importantly, use your common sense. Someone with the potentially deadly flu has a fever. Someone with a smoker’s cough maybe red in the face, but it’s just their blood pressure.”

Smokers are further encouraged to stockpile cigarettes, and other tobacco products now, but not to let the stockpiles last.

AS I LIVE AND BREATHE : Good news today for worry worts who think the leadership from 10 Downing Street is lacking in the face of the tidy new flu that’s travelling the globe.

“Dom has settled on a slogan and it’s a classic,” a source inside Downing Street, handpicked because they’re a freak, told LCD Views, “we’ve even focus grouped it with a bunch of weird AF early twenty something Tory voters. They don’t get the cultural reference, but they’re giddy at the thought of carts rumbling through the former red wall towns.”

The choosing of a slogan for facing up to the challenge of the Covid-19 strain has been the predominant focus for the geniuses currently running Britain (Into the ground? Off a cliff? Who knows!).

“Brexit was solved by a couple of catchy words. In fact any public policy matter can be boiled down to a slogan. Then you just stop and let events unfold. This is not about disaster management.”

But some critics have suggested that “Bring Out Your Dead!” is a little too morbid for what will be a fairly low key public health crisis.

“We did think about going with ‘Dig for Britain!’ next to a team excavating a very large pit, but we are saving that one for next year’s food shortages, after Boris successfully fails to get a deal with the EU. It’s my personal favourite.”

No one should be in any doubt that photos of unstaffed arrival halls and immigration counters, greeting Brits returning from Coronavirus hotspots in Italy is in anyway an accident.

“We’re on top of all the details,” the source added, “the slogan only has four syllables. It’s genius. Our seeming in action is not eugenics inaction, although that would also make a great slogan!”

UK WIPES OUT : The National Lottery is feeling relieved today after a sales surge on the back of a change to how jackpots are paid out.

“You’ve got to be on it to wipe it,” UK lottery sales manager Mrs Phour Plie told LCD Views, “I must say the sales surge is a welcome break after a period where sales have felt somewhat backed up. But we couldn’t quite put our finger in why.”

But it seems taking inspiration from the endless crap of the news cycle was the intake of fibre the lottery needed.

“We thought people are watching their commemorative Brexit 50p’s. Maybe they’re not as prepared to flush money down the drain as they used to be? Lord knows Downing Street is doing enough of that. It’s got the fiscal runs. So we had to ask ourselves what do the great British public really want in times when the national mood is loosening its bowels?”

Something to wipe away their concerns?

“Precisely. People are stockpiling toilet paper when they used to like to spend a penny. So let’s give them so much paper they can feel reassured they’ll never be caught short.”

Smart.

“And with a No Deal Brexit once again pushing back around the political S bend, and Coronavirus shutting down the Chinese toilet paper industrial complex, the increased lottery sales are no splash in the pan.”

The first toilet paper millionaires will soon be announced.

“And if they don’t flush their winnings away come 2021, they’ll have rolls of ready currency to hand, as sterling is expected to fall below parity with Andrex, Who Gives A Crap and all other known brands. So grab yourselves a ticket, and if you don’t win, you can still wipe your arse with it! That’s an investment that guarantees a solid return.”

I JUST READ IT FOR THE ARTICLES : Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s aides are reportedly getting ever more inventive in the desperate attempt to get mini Trump, aka Poundstore Trump, aaka “Al” to read his briefs.

“Of course his wives, girlfriends and mistresses have been reading his briefs for decades,” a senior Johnson aide, Mr Stifee told LCD Views, “primarily for signs of other wives, girlfriends and mistresses. The PM isn’t so keen on such deep, personal introspection though. And besides, he can’t pay attention long enough to grasp we’re taking about official briefing papers for a man supposedly running an industrialised economy, and not his soiled underwear.”

In order to get Mr Johnson to actually glance at the memos, and documents, that thunder his way daily, the aides have had to come up with some unique techniques.

Initial attempts involved leaving the papers next to wine crates and on the seats of private jets. They are said to have even left a laminated copy of the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the spa room of a certain villa on Mustique.

All to no avail. Strategies had to evolve.

“Well, we thought how does he spend his days? It’s basically an endless game of hide ‘n seek. So they adapted accordingly.”

First they have to find him…

“Always a task in itself,” Mr Stifee said.

“He’s a master at hide ‘n seek. Then once they have located and cornered him they usually tranquillise him with a dart gun. At that point they superglue briefing papers to his hands in the often vain hope he will accidentally read one or two snippets of briefings when he recovers and attempts to hide again.”

But while the aides have drawn cheers from colleagues there has been some disquiet over the most recent method employed.

“The decision to stick the memos inside old copies of Playboy have ruffled some feathers,” Mr Stifee admitted, “as it should be a proper, traditional British blue magazine like Penthouse or Mayfair.”

THIS TIME IT’S PERSONAL : 10 Drowning Street’s spokesmen are in a chipper and can do mood this afternoon, batting away moaning minnies carping on about Boris Johnson’s failure to react to the national flood emergency.

“It wasn’t an emergency before,” Mr Incell (recently recruited from the 1930’s) asserted, “because neither Mr Johnson nor his chums were overtly affected. But now it’s personal.”

And personal it is clearly is, with reports that the persistent and heavy rain has flooded the cellars at Chevening House, where Mr Johnson is enjoying a well earned break from responsibility by chasing about a young filly with a switch.

“It’s not cricket,” Mr Incell continued, “if it wasn’t for the minimum rainfall levels forced upon the UK by the EU this would not be happening. At least once we’re free of the shackles of Brussels we will save money on flood defences by not needing any.”

But why has COBRA finally been convened today, when the flood emergency has been ongoing for over a week?

“Well the cellars at Chevening House only flooded this morning,” Mr Incell added, soberly, “no access to the crates of Chateau Bojolais 1868 gifted to Mr Johnson by a secretive donor? If you don’t call that an emergency then I don’t know what is.”

BY HIS WORKS WILL HE BE KNOWN : DOWNING STREET has confirmed completely fabricated rumours that Admiral Horatio Nelson will be unceremoniously fly tipped into the Thames later this month, and replaced with a statue of Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson in Trafalgar Square.

It’s rumoured there were also plans to rename the famous London landmark the column is located in as ‘Brexit Square’, but they have been rowed back as no one in government says Brexit anymore.

The decision to replace the historical figure is part of a revamp of London to make it fit for the Brexitfirst century, but no one calls it that, as Brexit is hardly a word anymore.

“There will also be a raft of new education measures, replacing the boring stuff in school curriculums,” the source continued (to fabricate), “science, biology, math and literature will be entirely replaced by Two World Wars and One World Cup studies, to ensure British children understand their place in today’s world. But additionally units dedicated to Mr Johnson and his DEFEAT OF BRUSSELS will also crowd out anything pointless like RE and PE.”

The ceremony to remove Nelson will be done as fast as possible, with plans being drawn up to catapult the old statue into the River Thames.

“It’ll take all the headlines for days,” the source beams, “we’re also going to increase the height and girth of the column to more Johnsonian measurements and the statue of Mr Johnson will be much larger than the old one of Horatio, as fitting, given their different achievements. Complaints about cost have been dismissed, because we spend your money as we like, that’s the Tory way. Also concerns that an engorged statue will overshadow the British Museum, and all the nerds inside it, have been welcomed.”

It’s not yet certain what materials will be used to construct the Johnson statue, but early reports suggest the feet will definitely be made of clay.

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : The BBC is making so many blunders nowadays, with identification of well known public figures, it’s getting difficult to know what’s a genuine error and what’s a result of allowing Tory Party plants to riddle the editorial chain.

And fresh on the heels of their inability to locate an actual photo of various Labour Party MPs, they’ve now gone and screwed up with a story about another famous British politician (of refugee Huguenot stock, well known for attempting to get a German passport after Brexit).

“It’s an easy mistake to make,” an advocate of the publicly funded broadcaster excused, “they ran a story about the UK’s fishing industry and how it maybe negatively impacted by the country’s desire to become a fading outpost of kleptomaniac corruption, ie Brexit. Of course they thought of Nigel and his tireless efforts to use the everyday struggles (of an industry mismanaged in Westminster) as a centrepiece, as advocate of the fishing communities.”

But in doing so it seems someone in the editorial chain simply googled up “famous British fishing advocate”, found a meme about Nigel Farage and used it.

“The problem is that the image is a play on the famous Fisherman Friend’s lozenges. But only they’ve utilised clever word play and substituted fraud for friend. It’s fair to say the career politician, elite wannabe, Brussel’s gravy train riding Farage was not best pleased.”

By the insult?

“No by the accuracy. The BBC is never knowingly accurate when it comes to Nigel Farage.”

A fulsome apology is expected from the BBC hierarchy.

• We’ve all seen the meme used in the image. No idea who to credit, as is common with monster memes, but found it here -https://www.reddit.com/r/BrexitMemes/comments/bcr6cb/farage_fishermans_fraud_as_found_on_twitter/

STAR BURSTS : Knowing which side your bread is buttered on has never been more important than now as the UK seizes the opportunities made possible by complete severance with ill thought out continental rules and red tape.

Take that Brussels!

The same is true of restaurant ratings. As of today the dodgy French system of rating an eatery’s quality in alignment with the whims and peculiarities of a fat French bloke made of car tyres, driving randomly around the landscape, is no more in Britain.

No less august culinary authority than the Home Office has banned Michelin Stars and replaced them with a proper, traditional British system.

“Potatriot Stars will let you know if a place serves proper grub the right way,” Home Office junior minister, Mr Gout, told LCD Views, “one star, or Francois as we’ve nicknamed them, will let you know a cafe or restaurant has both brown and red sauce available. Two stars will tell you the liquor on that mash has the right fragrance, reminiscent of suspicious bodily fluids. But three Francois’s tells you you’re in for a meat and two veg extravaganza, consisting of something that looks like meat and two veg, perhaps even of two different varieties.”

Guide books will be issued and be available for British motorists when they renew their passports to ones they won’t use much anymore.

“A Potatriot Star, or Stars, will confirm you’re dining in an establishment that will never serve you an avocado. It won’t threaten you with anything vaguely fat free. It will definitely be dishing up proper grub, with vegetables that have been boiled for a legal minimum of three to four hours, until those greens are greys. Mmm, good old fashioned food the way it used to be.”

But we hear there will be some restaurants that will be excluded from ever gaining a Francois?

“Yes. Vegan restaurants. They’re to be boarded up and burnt to the ground as Britons break free of the shackles of Brussels!”