Category: Really fake news

If we get out of this pandemic in one piece, there’s going to have to be some changes made, that’s for certain. Some changes will be major, some will be minor, some will be natural, some will feel odd, but but none will feel quite as odd as moving from December 31st 2023 to January 1st 2025 with a single tick of the clock.

No, time travel has not been invented yet – I have it from a reliable source that it was originally invented in the year 6946, to the double annoyance of the British who had hoped to perfect it in 6945 to mark the 5000th anniversary of VE Day and who not only failed to invent it in time but were beaten to the punch by the Germans – it’s something else.

Leap years are to be abolished.

At the International Time Conference in Greenwich, hosted remotely of course, senior chronologist Justin Thyme announced:

“In recent times leap years have just been so full of crap for the whole human race that we’ve made an emergency decision to get rid of them. It started with the whole Millennium Bug thing, and then there was the recession in 2008, then in 2016 both Brexit and Trump happened and now in 2020 we face potential extinction . . . leap years are not good for us so if we survive this we’re getting rid of them.”

Meaning that calendars in future will run 2021, 2022, 2023, 2025, 2026, 2027, 2029, 2030 and so on. This will of course have a bizarre knock-on effect on birthdays. A person born in 2000 will only be 28 in 2030, and won’t turn 30 until 2033. This will in turn cause chaos in school maths classes.

The greetings cards industry are already scratching their heads on how to tackle the problem but expect to have it sorted in time for the first skipped leap year.

The new calendar will come into effect in 2025, set to commence the minute 2023 ends.

NURSE! NURSE! : Recently rediscovered, non-rehabilitated, UK 2020 Hide ‘n Seek Championship front runner Priti Patel, has responded to conspiracy theories trundling about social media that PM BJ didn’t really have CV-19.

“You don’t need to tell me I’m as disappointed as the next drone,” a smiling Patel beamed for the cameras, “when I heard that the greatest prime minister of the twentieth and twenty first years of the 200,000,2020,200 and twenty, th, century was in hospital I had a hard time wiping the smirk off my face.”

But wipe it she did, which is no mean feat, considering it’s a defensive shield against a world that too often disagrees with Ms Patel’s sums.

“Something doesn’t add up,” she continued, “I’ll grant you that, before deportation. Raab, Rishi and 40th to the power of minus times 30ish people are in front of me to be PM should Mr Johnson throw it all in and run off with a nurse he met while staying at the big doctor house. How is that? Two plus two should equal PM Patel!”

But what of the actual conspiracy theories that Mr Johnson wasn’t as sick as claimed? Why not just say he’s the PM for the love of Lucifer! They’re going to be over cautious. It’s only sensible. He’s theoretically running the country on behalf of Tufton Street and other vested interests?

“You’re right. He looked proper chirpy in that video for a man who, and I quote, could have gone either way just days ago with a savage, novel respiratory illness that is killing thousands daily.”

The recovery must be a measure of his masculinity. He’s clearly an uberman.

“More a ‘whatever car service will pick you up at 5am’ kinda man from what I’ve heard!” Ms Patel smirked.

So he definitely had a Covid-19 then?

“No.”

Wait. What?

“I looked at the number on his test results myself and he had Covid-300,5838,384,38485.”

Ms Patel, thank you for your time.

“My pleasure. No one has ever said that before. How sweet. Now, where were you born?”

TAP IN AND TAP OUT : Stand in for Boris Johnson, well known geographically centred improv artist Dominic ‘the domino’ Raab, has sought to make travelling on London Underground both more exciting and less congested.

“He’s responding to criticism that by forcing low wage workers to continue to travel on less trains the government isn’t doing enough to protect them, as they can’t perform social distancing on crowded trains,” our Downing Street source’s stand in stands up and holds forth.

The new measures have seen huddled teams working through the night to widen the famous gap between the doorstep of a subterranean train and the platform edge.

“Two metres. That’s now the law,” the source continues, “we asked people not to block the entry tunnels to platforms while waiting for their hourly service underneath the capital. Other commuters will need those lengths for run ups to board the train.”

But as the casualty rate amongst transport workers continues to grow in the pandemic, everyone can be reassured that once Raab’s eager beaver colleague, Matt ‘Those men who died on the beaches” Hancock has gotten nurses to stop wasting precious PPE willy nilly, while trying to care for the sick and also stay alive (in the face of government shortcomings), that transport workers will be next in line.

“After government ministers.”

After government ministers. Although there’s dispute over that, seeing as how failure to follow WHO advice has seen many of them already contract the illness.

But why increase the famous gap underground to two metres? Purely to follow proper guidance? It will surely mean some workers falling through the gaps left by policy makers.

“I didn’t think this article was about care homes?”

No. It’s not. But now you mention it.

“Let’s stay underground,” the source misdirects, “it’s two metres because that’s the size of the gap between the ears of the Man Who Discovered Dover and is now acting prime minister.”

A neat coincidence.

YOU GOT TO CLAP HE’S GOT TO CLAP SHE’S GOT TO CLAP THEY’VE ALL GOT TO CLAP AT 8PM THEY CLAP : As Covid-19 hammers the UK, forcing MPs to work from home like plebs, many are wondering if there’s a subsidised bar in the living room?

And well they might. It’s important to keep life as normal as possible during a crisis, which is why nurses at Northwick Hospital have been using bin bags for PPE.

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/three-nurses-who-wear-bin-21837238

But it’s not just being careful not to politicise a crisis enflamed by politics that people have to watch against, there’s the all important question of how to keep MPs in milk and honey. The Parliamentary Standards Authority is on the case.

https://www.politicshome.com/news/article/mps-given-10000-extra-to-help-them-work-from-home-during-coronavirus-outbreak

“We don’t want our elected representatives to be worried about keeping receipts of what they do with taxpayers money at a time like this,” an imaginary source inside the PSA told LCD Views, “which is why we’ve lobbed an additional £10K over the wall for anyone who wants it. Business as usual must go on. There’s a country to misgovern.”

But what about people who find the suggestion that support given by the Chancellor to businesses and the public in general will have to be repaid, but MPs can have a small lottery win, no questions asked?

“Would you spend a small lottery win on hookers and coke? And anyway, that’s incredibly ignorant of you. 10K is chicken feed. It’s hard enough living on an MP’s salary and expenses as it is.”

Um. What?

“Precisely. It’s important that life goes on as normal. Now run along to the BBC and find out how “fighting spirit” Boris is bearing up on a day when 1,000 of the herd succumbed to insufficient immunity, and it must be supposed, insufficient pep.”

‘ERD ImMuNiTY : Local newspaper LCD Views has come under fire today over a story it imagined it ran on the weekend about prominent Tory MPs.

Matt Hancock being totally normal with a woman. pic.twitter.com/REmT3d4we5

— Sooz Kempner (@SoozUK) December 11, 2019

“We didn’t cover the story,” a source inside LCD Views told LCD Views, in a sign that it’s not only government that is bringing the MSM in house to better get its completely non-fabricated message across.

“This whole furore is fake news,” the source continued, “we thought about covering the ball breaking hypocrisy of of Matt “dead on the beaches” Hancock and Nadine “roo testes” Dorries demanding footballers give a wedge to the NHS, but we didn’t. We realised it’s not up to footballers to fund the NHS. It’s up to government. It was a bit of a light bulb moment.”

What is the average pro footballers salary? £20k per week?

Health Secretary calls on footballers to donate wages to struggling hospices – ITV News https://t.co/okUVyvRNrX

— Rt Hon Nadine Dorries (@NadineDorries) April 5, 2020

But how then to explain the calls from the ministers in the department for health that sports stars fund social services directly?

“Both little Matt [Han]Cock and Nadine Dorries have had Coronavirus. Matt visibly coughing and potentially superspreading when he opened the NHS Nightingale the other week, proving the efficacy of U.K. Gov dissing of WHO guidelines over 14 day quarantined for CV-19 positive individuals. What good is 14 days to a virus that relies on people to spread it? Nothing. That’s what. Anyway, perhaps they’re both still delirious.”

But whatever the motivation and expectations behind the fake news of Tory MPs leading by example fiscally, at least the overblown non-story has served a purpose adjacent to deflecting from the government’s failures into footballers.

“At least know we now where the Brexiter’s promise of an additional £350m a week for the NHS is coming from,” our source added, “Rahem Sterling and Wayne Rooney while on furlough.”

DON’T GO OUTSIDE JUST DON’T : MASS CONFUSION at the heart of UK government today after reports of a TYRANNOSAURUS REX rampaging in Devon.

The confusion appears to centre on the question of “Why Devon?”

“Dominic Cummings’ underground bunker is up north. So why Devon?” our pseudo science correspondent asks, which isn’t much use, as they’re supposed to solve riddles, not raise them.

But under pressure to provide further details a Downing Street ‘source’ wasn’t giving much away.

“Wales can have goats, why can’t Devon have a Tyrannosaurus Rex?” the source shrugged, “we’re not going to do anything about it from central government. We’re too busy wracking our brains for what’s a plausible reason not to take part in EU schemes to tackle Coronavirus, and other beer related sicknesses.”

Local police however aren’t taking the matter lightly, with reports that an officer who was standing outside a Tesco Metro with a megaphone shouting at people who are even thinking about buying an Easter egg, has been “repurposed” to confront the giant primeval chicken, and demand to know if its journey is “essential, or are you flagrantly breaching the conditions of the half baked lockdown enforced after even Johnson couldn’t ignore the tide of sick and disgust lapping at his door?”

It’s not clear how much damage the creature has caused yet. Nor whose secret lab it has escaped from.

One thing we do know for certain is that it is at least safe from pseudo-science, lethal, eugenics fetishising public health policies like “herd immunity”, as there’s currently only one Tyrannosaurus Rex once you discount the inhabitants of both 10 Downing Street and the White House.

CLENCH AND RELEASE : RAPTURE across the land today with the news that great leader, Boris de piffle Johnson, has mailed one free sheet of toilet paper to all UK households.

The paper, described by a Downing Street ‘source’ as “high grade, capable of absorbing extreme quantities of BS”, is a gift to an anxious nation in its hour of need.

The estimated cost of £38 million ensures that traditional British methods of communication continue in spite of the plague. Royal Mail employees are thought to be especially pleased.

“This will reassure everyone that Mr Johnson is still leading the country in its hours of need, in spite of being unwell,” the source added, “Mr Johnson will urge everyone to do as he says, not what he does, given that an inability to socially isolate has caused the prime minister, and health secretary, to contract CV-19 in the first place.”

But of course there’s always critics, with some suggesting that digital media and television would have served just as well to mass communicate that the UK is no longer doing herd immunity, now that the herd is infected.

“Look, what are you most worried about? People dying who would have died one day anyway? The inability to react swiftly to fast moving events, given that every policy decision has to take into account the defence of Brexit? The failure to prepare the NHS properly in the months leading up to the crisis, in spite of President Xi of China phoning the prime minister in January. The lack of WHO compliant PPE and ventilators? The fact that we’re set for a potential fresh food crisis in the summer due to lack of farm labour, and the baffling lack of Brexiters stepping up for field work? The use of nudge theory to combat a virus? The lies over the EU procurement scheme for medical supplies? The failure to release the Russia report? The apparent long grassing of the Arcuri investigation? Not knowing who paid for the prime minister’s holiday in Mustique? The apparent fiddling of CV-19 death stats in the manner of unemployment statistics? Or that you haven’t personally heard yet from the prime minister via a letter?”

As to what NHS workers, many still insufficiently safeguarded against infection, to the point where some have started dying, should do when they receive the toilet paper? The source has this to say :

“On the reverse of the paper there will be printed instructions for how to use origami to turn the letter into a medical face mask. We really are doing whatever it takes.”

Boris Johnson and Matt Hancock have tested positive for coronavirus. But how do you combat a deadly infection sweeping across the nation? The country’s intelligence and security supremo, Chris Grayling, has found a solution.

He has installed software on all his computers to prevent the spread of the much feared coronavirus. “I’ll never get it now!” he says. Intelligent security right there.

“To combat a nasty virus, you need a decent AntiVirus,” claimed Grayling triumphantly. “Seriously, it’s all you need to do! I’ve noticed that people aren’t going to work because of it. Unfortunately it sometimes deletes emails, so just watch out!”

Grayling’s software is rumoured to be the reason that Boris Johnson never saw the email from the Nigerian prince offering 10,000 ventilators in exchange for £2,500 plus his bank details.

With senior ministers coming down with CV-19, it may be that the unique abilities of Chris Grayling will be required.

“I’m ready to take the helm of the ship,” said Grayling, casually waving a takeaway pizza menu in the air. “I’ve already hired a likely looking supplier called Ferry McFerryFace Ferries. If their boats are half as tasty as this Thick Crust Mighty Pepperoni Fiery Feast then we’re in business!”

First in line is First Mate Dominic Raab, a man whose grasp of geography rivals Grayling’s grasp of reality. While Raab is getting ready to take control on the bridge Boris built, brave Sir Dominic Cummings was seen running away.

“He knows Dom Raab doesn’t know his right from his left,” quipped Grayling. “If he ever told him to turn to port, Dom would be chugging back wine like a good’un!”

Grayling suddenly doubled down and started coughing unstoppably, and gasping for breath. In desperation, he reached for his laptop and activated the AntiVirus software. It performed a full scan, and, miraculously, Grayling sat up again, completely cured.

“More pizza, anyone?”

BLOW HARD BIG HEART : Britain’s second most famous pub landlord, Tim Martin, has used a press spot to increase the Earth’s CO2 count by several million gaseous cubic litres. But when he wasn’t attempting to make up for the lost gas output of the global industrial shutdown, he offered reassurance for his staff.

“I agree with Stanley [Johnson] clearly,” our fictional and entirely made up landlord blew, “people should keep going to the boozer during the bloody bout of the fffing sniffles. Beer soaked carpets and atmospheres full of piss and wind destroy SARS-1 and SARS-2 on contact. Only people who don’t believe in Britain don’t believe that. Traitors. Faaaaaaark! What’s a toothbrush?”

As to how the staff of his landmark pubs will fare, should pubs be closed and they find themselves without work, Mr Martin had words of comfort.

“So called medical scientists aren’t any much for British ingenuity and blitz spirit,” he harpooned the present reality, “I will not lay off one of my workers. I will pay them to turn up, sit at tables and wait on each other. Witheringspoons will remain open throughout this silly panic over a blocked nose. Know what unblocks a blocked nose? A pint of stale ale and a meat of dubious origin curry! That’s what!”

But how will he pay the staff of the pubs don’t have any actual paying customers providing revenue?

“In beer mats,” Mr Martin spouted like the whale of fate clearing the snot from its blowhole, “clearly, if they follow my advice most of my regulars will be in ICU on ventilators. So we won’t be getting through too many beer mats. The staff can use them as exchange tokens on the black market after complete societal collapse sometime in August.”

Genius.

“And I can reassure you, every one of my Withering Spoons that hasn’t closed for want of patronage by August, will remain open until the very end of the zombie apocalypse. Now get down the bloody pub and risk catching Covid-19 like a real man!”

MAD AS A BOX OF FROGS : THE UNITED KINGDOM is feeling cooler today and in no way feverish, at least not with Covid-19, as lack of testing, especially of NHS staff, means ignorance is bliss.

Those who fail to prepare and all that, but let’s not focus on that.

“But there’s still a need for hard facts for the hard of hearing,” our Public Health Matters correspondent reports, “and I have been talking to a Downing Street ‘source’ about how disseminating information will be handled daily from now on. The afternoon press briefings from the prime minister are getting a much needed makeover, but will keep the same blithe familiarity we’ve all come to know and love from the people’s prime minister.”

It’s not just the virus that needs disseminating, the UK population also needs to achieve herd immunity on bullshit.

“To this end Stanley Johnson will be taking over the daily press briefings,” our correspondent confirms, “his son is frankly terrified of them and can’t always rely on a friendly journalist to let him off the hook with a gag (reflex) trigger.”

Mr Johnson Snr will take today’s game of word salad tennis from the press corp and he’ll breathe new life into it.

“Boris will still be present,” our correspondent adds, “but he’ll be in the corner in a fridge. A Wetherspoons fridge that is and Stanley has sensibly decided to shift the location of the Q&A to the pub.”

Rest assured Global Britons you are in hands, we’re just not exactly sure they are safe hands. We haven’t finished modelling it out yet…