Category: Really fake news

UNEMPLOYMENT? WHAT UNEMPLOYMENT? : THE UK is about to enter the greatest economic crisis since the last greatest economic crisis, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to be out of work.

LCD Views has received word that there is to be a new programme to test, trace and isolate the lies of Prime Minister Boris Johnson. And it is surprisingly being launched by the government.

“Well he’s got to get ahead of the curve,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “slowly, but surely, reality is finally intervening in the long con. It’s doing so by erecting fields of tombstones. Which sadly shows just how low the UK as a whole has allowed itself to sink. But that’s not important. What is important is seeing off that girly swot at PMQs, on the rare occasions that parliament is open. And having robust bluster ready in case any formally friendly journalist writes something frightening, ie factual.”

Clearly of concern, as we enter the new age of Global Britain, is the longevity of Mr Johnson’s startling career.

By the way, you can recognise Global Britain from the Space Station, it’s the frantic, shrinking place chasing its tail off the coast of mainland Europe. Thank you very much Brexiters.

“Who knows what will come back to bite Al on the arse now that the damage he’s done is viral? Maybe it was a mistake to play with herd immunity? Maybe wiping out the relatives and friends of your supporters was a misstep? Even the Telegraph is starting to publish testy articles. Although that’s probably just a desperate attempt to do ‘a journalism’ again before it goes out of business. Oh, and having an effective official opposition again doesn’t hurt. Where the hell did that come from? Total bolt out of the blue.”

The tracers will have their work set out for them, with government BS currently propagating at an exponential rate within the body politic.

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that a new mass programme isn’t necessary.

“It’s just another egregious waste of public funds. It’s a private contract which will shift taxpayer money into the pockets of the government’s chums, and it is completely unnecessary.”

What would you suggest takes its place?

“A simple test that anyone can perform,” the critics suggest, “is the Prime Minister’s mouth moving? If yes, he’s lying. It’s just common sense.”

WILL THE REAL PRIME MINISTER PLEASE STAND UP PLEASE STAND UP : Sometime caretaker prime minister, Boris “Al to his chums” Johnson is reported to have spent today choosing which of his new body doubles will take PMQs tomorrow.

“He’s hired the best body double agent in the business,” a completely discredited, invented source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “and they’ve spent today at Chequers auditioning a crack team of mimics.”

The best agent in the business is said to be none other than French auteur Michel Star, who arranged Saddam Hussein, Kim Jong-Il’s and Melania Trump’s doubles.

“Whoever can get just the right pattern of um’s, ers, and random, entirely misunderstood classical illusions into a response to a question on PPE in schools will get tomorrow’s gig. And I can assure you the pay packet is substantial. After PMQs they’ll have to have lunch with Stanley Johnson, no mean feat.”

Plans are also in place to hold PMQs in front of blue screens with a delay on the broadcast.

“This is so the whizz kids of special effects in such famous digital feature films like ‘Donkey Scum Does Best Lying Down’ and ‘Dude! Where’s My Country?’ can digitally insert cheering hordes of Tory MPs to drown all the girly swot questions Starmer will calmly level at the Boris stand in.”

LCD Views would like to wish well whichever of the clearly talented actors gets cast to play Mr Johnson, Part Time PM, tomorrow and hope they do almost as much preparation for the role as Mr Johnson does himself each week.

“Don’t worry, Mr Starmer will be rattled tomorrow,” the source says, “whoever he ends up facing will potentially even be able to complete a coherent sentence.”

INSIDE NUMBER NINETEEN : BORIS JOHNSON IS TO SAVE THE UK FROM THE KILLER LURGY by September.

A senior source inside 10 Downing Street has confirmed that the world king has ordered all the Downing Street properties from Number 10 to 19 converted into a harem.

The reason for the conversion is obvious.

“It’s so he can fill the properties with blonde women and sire more children,” the source confirms, “he does his best thinking when he’s shagging.”

And his best thinking will be required to develop the miracle preventative injection that the world is waiting for the U.K. to come up with.

“Clearly there’s going to need to be a lot of wine drunk. Probably about £350m a week, to be precise.”

The resulting empty wine crates will be refashioned as the vaccine to CV-19.

“He’ll even paint healthy looking commuters on the side of the vaccine,” the source continues, “and they won’t be wearing face masks, as there will be no need. They’ll be shaking hands with everybody. Especially other passengers who have Covid-19, as they’ve now had the vaccine.”

The announcement of the PM’s personal push to save the world comes after days of heated debate on social media, and in the press, regarding whether or not we should just go “sod it” and send our kids back to school in the middle of a pandemic.

“That debate will only distract everyone from the horrific U.K. death toll for so long, before everyone works out it’s bullshit. So the timing of Johnson’s vaccine work is vital to nudge the polls back in a favourable direction.”

Once the empty wine crate vaccine is completed G4S or Pizza Hut will he selected to distribute it.

“Like the test and trace system, it’s vital to keep local authorities out of it, as they have the relevant expertise to deliver it,” the source concludes, “and we’ll never get to the sunlit uplands of herd immunity like that. And besides, if you’re governed by disaster capitalists you can not simply expect the disaster to conclude, just like that.”

CONTROL YOURSELF : His hair combed, his suit strangely free of creases, Britain’s prime minister of blithe announced a week of national mourning.

“Those European countries that have declared public mourning for Coronavirus victims are missing the point of a national tragedy,” a source close to the PM of laidback told LCD Views, “who is really suffering? It’s not the dead. It’s done and dusted. Atoms and dust. It’s the politicians who have to live with the consequences of poor choices by members of the public.”

The week will begin today and continue as long as necessary. All inhabitants of these spectred isles are expected to wear black and carry themselves in a somber mood “reflecting the unfair calamities“ that have befallen the World King, since he descended to the throne.

“It’s all going to plan of course,” the side commented, “if you’re Covid-19. Bit baffling. It hasn’t released one slogan? Something is decidedly fishy.”

And in a cross party initiative Downing Street will reach out to the other parties and ask them “to respect Mr Johnson’s privacy in this difficult time. Now is not the time to query the decisions of the Johnson administration. Have a heart.”

Media supporters of the prime minister have been quick to commend the move, noting it is “statesmanlike and will unite the country in sympathy for Mr Johnson.”

Ordinary folk will be asked to get the bunting out again and set out their garden tables in the front yard. Congas and hokey cockeys are encouraged, for those wishing to be seen on the BBC news.

“If people support one another they can get through witnessing Mr Johnson’s time as prime minister turn into the complete bin fire no one could have anticipated. If they’re really lucky they may just live to see the end of it.”

GET THE NUMBERS YOU NEED TODAY : Matt Hancock, Health Secretary, has moved to quell the growing scandal over PPE by announcing a new wonder order.

“My department received an offer, via email, to supply 500 tonnes of face masks from a reportedly reputable supplier,” he told a press conference this morning, “we have accepted the offer and transferred the cash. It has to be a big order because the supplier used a large font when making the offer.”

With concern over the supply of sufficient PPE for health and care workers spreading through the country as fast as CV-19, it’s good to know that Matt is on the job.

“I have everything in hand,” Hancock reassures the country, “a wife of a Conservative MP will be overseeing the distribution of the face masks and everyone will get the protection they need.”

But concerns have been raised, although mostly by traitors, that after the Turkish medical gown furore inspectors should have been sent to check the stock before the order was placed.

“That would just waste precious time,” Mr Hancock rebutted, “Donald Trump himself has recommended the supplier.”

But where is this face mask manufacturer located, if not in Blighty?

“Why Covfefe. And that was more than enough for me.”

STANDING ON PLATFORMS IN WINTER WAITING : A STUDY BY THE ESTEEMED ECONOMIC INSTITUTE OF MADE UP IDEAS has revealed that although unavoidably devastating, the economic hit coming from Covid-19 is not as bad as it seems.

“We proved this by a comparative study of perennial problems afflicting the UK, contrasted against the terrible damage being caused by the novel Coronavirus,” lead researcher, Professor Thomas Tank, told LCD Views, “we all know the list of problems that are encountered by honest, hardworking Brits in their daily lives. The fucking trains being one of the major ones. Or rather, which used to be encountered. Presumably we can all have those interminably frustrating moments back down the line. And be grateful for them, in a grim way.”

And delving through the mass of tables and charts cited by the study one thing becomes very clear. Badly run mass transport is one of the biggest reasons for the productivity crisis in the UK, relative to most of continental Europe.

More hours are lost by people due to late running or cancelled train services, and by the last hour of each working day being dedicated to the complex strategic planning needed to pick exactly the right moment to travel (in the hope of there being a train), than are caused by the fact that some small business owners still insist on using FAX machines.

“Just letting Southern Rail run a train service costs the UK taxpayer financially, mentally, emotionally, productivity wise and in lost time incalculably more than Covid-19 ever will.”

That’s what the professor says, and he’s a quack.

Well, it’s a good thing that a bad train service, focused primarily on shareholder profits and not the lives of the people forced to use it, is not contagious.

“How London centric of you.”

What do you mean?

“You clearly have never caught any other privatised UK train service.”

A FRIDGE! A FRIDGE! MY KINGDOM FOR A FRIDGE! : Those waiting for Boris Johnson to face Kier Starmer at Wednesday PMQ’s are in for a long wait it seems after the Prime Minister produced a note from his personal physician.

LCD Views has seen the fictional note and our non-existent handwriting expert has confirmed that the writing is “definitely not Boris Johnson’s and definitely that of Doctor Anon”.

Whether or not Dominic Raab will take well the news that he will continue to deputise for his boss isn’t yet clear.

“Raab will cope,” a source inside Dom’s weightlifting set told LCD Views, “he’s spending most of his time looking in the mirror asking ‘Are you looking at me? Well? Punk. Well? There’s nobody else here’, before flexing his biceps and imagining giving Starmer a wedgie.”

The intervention from the medic is timely as Mr Johnson can only take so many free holidays, spend so much time in ICU, so much time recovering after ICU, only see so many babies delivered (well, maybe not, given the prodigious bull that sires them), before he will be expected to face the new LOTO.

“It’s a bit rum Labour electing a guy that can actually do the job of holding the government to account,” a source inside Downing Street complained, “Starmer just takes the nonsense Raab throws at him and turns it into a cream pie. He then throws it back in Raab’s face. Heaven help us if Boris starts improvising in front of him.”

But the danger will be avoided for the foreseeable future.

“Given the condition no one in their right mind could expect Mr Johnson to stand up at PMQs and face the music,” the source went on, “facing the music is not a skill he has anyway. But that’s alright. He was just born lucky.”

And what is the condition that reasonably excuses Mr Johnson from PMQs on and on?

“Why bone spurs of course.”

LITTLE LORD FAULTSAREICH : The Lord of Darkness is coming under increasing pressure today to explain why he hasn’t furloughed his perennial employee of the month, racist rabble rouser Nigel Farage.

While millions of British workers explore the parameters of life within four walls, in the interests of protecting themselves and people they don’t know, the Brexit Party CEO has been out with a film crew screaming at beaches. All in the desperate hope someone fleeing war and persecution may wash up while he’s there.

Oh. The. Humanity.

Global Britain – remade in Farage’s image because a sizeable chunk of a generation of politicians and media didn’t have the guts to fight back against far right nationalism.

Makes you proud to be British.

“Nigel is an essential worker,” a source inside Hell told LCD Views, “as such he isn’t eligible for the government’s furlough scheme. And besides, the sum available would hardly allow man of the sheeple, Fuhrarage, to live in the style to which he is accustomed.”

And critics of the critics have pointed out that now is not the time to criticise an ageing spleen pillock who has made a career promoting xenophobia and historical amnesia.

“Put yourself in Nigel’s shoes,” one suggests.

No. Definitely not.

“His whole schtick is demonising the people who are right now deciding to work without sufficient PPE, thanks to having a UKIP government in all but name, and those people are dying saving natural born Englishmen. It’s a bit of a sticky wicket. So he’s decided to bat through in the hope of still being at the crease, or the beach, when conditions improve and gammon rage is once again in fashion.”

But it’s likely that the more irrelevant Farage feels the louder he will shout at the ocean. Not even a pandemic appears able to stop non-furloughed Nigel continuing in his quest to bring the U.K. low. Maybe it’s time he realised the country is at breaking point and did us all a favour and went back home.

CLOSING DOORS : The government has finally gotten something right in its personal fight to have the public view the Covid-19 pandemic as a military conflict, and not the public health emergency it is.

“From 6am this morning all public broadcast of the popular 60’s love anthem, Touch Me, by The Doors, has been banned,” an ebullient spokesman for upbeat Prime Minister Boris Johnson told Radio 4.

https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/doors/touchme.html

And the law isn’t stopping at just radio and TV broadcasts. The government has said that any buskers performing the song will face the “full penalty of the law and be taken to Dom’s lab for experimentation”.

Matt Hancock is believed to be behind the move, which surprisingly gained the approval of Boris Johnson, even though little Matty is being fitted up as one of the sacrificial goats to save Johnson’s skin.

“It’s to give Matt a false sense of security before the boot goes in,” a Downing Street source advised.

But critics of the lyrical move have argued that if the government is going to ban songs with (CV-19) provocative titles and lyrics, there is a long list that needs including.

“Why just pick on The Doors?” a well known social media based mouthpiece asked, “Can You Feel The Love Tonight, by Elton John, is basically a Coronavirus hotspot on its own. I Wanna Hold Your Hand, by The Beatles? Just on the grounds of grammar alone, let alone attempting to convince a stranger to endanger themselves. Until every dangerous song is on the list this is nothing more than a token gesture to distract from the failings of a shambolic administration that can’t even do fascism properly.”

But it seems likely criticism will not change government policy. This is entirely rational after the public allowed ministers to make law without parliament, by way of Brexit.

“All of Crowded House is outlawed too,” the energetic spokesman added, “at least until we can ascertain whether everyone inside has been there together from the start of lockdown.”

CV-19 crisis? Do Dream It’s Over, as one day it will be.

And one day singing an old John Lee Hooker classic won’t see you fined. But don’t even think about humming “Love Shack” by the B52’s, until the new measures are lifted.

IF A SERVING MINISTER IS THROWN UNDER A BUS BEING DRIVEN BY BORIS JOHNSON : UK HEALTH AND SOCIAL CLEANSE MINISTER MATT HANCOCK HAS FACED SOME STICKY SITUATIONS DURING HIS STELLAR RISE IN BRITISH POLITICS.

But none stickier than the dramatic u-turn he performed to become health minister. We spoke to a fictional Matt, who maybe more reliable than the real public persona Matt, to find out more.

“It’s really encouraging to hear that some left wing, liberal, avocado munching, elite, latte drinking snowflakes are starting to feel inklings of sympathy for me,” Matt nodded, like a dog, shown a treat by a Boris Johnson.

“But they shouldn’t. All you have to do is remember how I invoked the war dead in service of my personal ambitions? Then just as rapidly threw them under the bus, in the service of my personal ambitions? I’m not a very sympathetic character. I’m just a man waving, not drowning, as Cummings demands I oversee a public health crisis as first and foremost, a PR disaster.”

This is all good. It allows the disaster capitalists to be busy in the background, even as dead nurses, insufficiently equipped with PPE, pile up at the base of the daily briefing podium?

“That’s very possible.”

But what about the 100K tests? That target, which you set yourself, seems likely to be missed?

“Not if we use the same magic that we use on mortality rates, which is like the statistical magic we worked on unemployment stats. There’s lies, damned lies, and Tory MPs with statistics. Looking at it this way we’ve already hit the target!”

Wow! Well done. That was easier than many expected.

“Yes. We now count any test on anything at all performed anywhere in the UK in the 100K. It makes for a really big number. The UK is performing billions of tests each and every day. Just the exasperated parents home schooling their kids in maths and English get us over the 100K on their own.”

Congratulations Matt. The desire to achieve herd immunity, while simultaneously solving the social care crisis, was looking a bit sticky, what with the Germans doing actual CV-19 tests by the millions.

“Thanks. Can I have a treat now?”

How about a badge that says ‘Matt’?