Category: Really fake news

DEAD END GAME : Russian dictator and alleged major funder of the Conservative and Unionist Party, Vladimir Putin, is said to be deeply concerned his time working as one of Death’s star employees maybe coming to an end.

The decision to invade Ukraine has summoned up distinct 1939 vibes in Europe and across the world. It’s possible the master manipulator may have finally overplayed his hand as he adds to what is an already impressive scorecard of killing innocent people.

“He may also have overpaid for Western politicians,” an insider tells LCD Views. “He’s been shelling out for pliable Western politicians for over a decade and they’re currently not coming through. They really came through for Brexit. They came up trumps for Trump. They collectively turned a largely blind eye to mass killing in Syria. Although that was easier as the people weren’t European and it was all very confusing. But maybe he’s given them all a reason to just dump him and keep the cash. Shocking.”

One thing Mr Putin has achieved is everyone talking about him, but perhaps not in the way he imagined.

“He needs an out strategy,” the insider acknowledges, “as there is no possible win now he’s launched the slaughter in Europe. It was a complete shock that after nearly a decade of fighting against him the Ukrainians didn’t just line the streets and welcome the baffled Russian conscripts in. Who would have thought it? Now he either has to level the country and claim a mountain of corpses wanted him to free them from fascism, or retreat. Still, at least petrol is costing a lot more. If only we could ship it.”

But it seems the real fear for the aged bareback bear rider maybe exile in the West.

“He will need a safe country to flee too soon if the oligarchs’ kids can’t get to their yachts in the Med. The UK looks good. It’s got all sorts of wannabe fash going on in government. But even that comes with anxiety as it seems the only safe space that will be left for him is the same safe place for all the other washouts. A presenter on GB News. There’s no coming back from that.”

WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes. 

As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry. 

But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto. 

This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones. 

“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!” 

Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry. 

“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!” 

The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants. 

Because Chernobyl fall out. 

PARTY LIKE IT’S 2020 : The British Prime Minister has announced that all pandemic restrictions in the UK are to end in what is seen as a “watershed moment” in UK law and order.

The decision to end the last vestiges of control over the potentially fatal virus comes after only a 170,000 people have died in the UK thanks to the “ramped up” governance of Mr Johnson and his Conservatives over the last couple of years. While many, many, many more lives could have been saved with a competent and concerned executive instead of a “tumbling haystack of shite”, it’s expected that everyone will forget about yesterday immediately and focus instead on how wonderful tomorrow will be.

“Our donors are fed up with opening new bank accounts too to stuff PPE cash into,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “The burden of having to work out what to do with so many windfalls is not well understood by the man on the street. Just how many Georgian manors can you buy?”

Although what has happened to public money will also hopefully simply be forgotten as the Chancellor has already written off billions lost to fraud.

“Just don’t forget to pay that parking fine or you’re for it! Ha!” the source advises.

But the major benefactor of the end of restrictions will be Mr Johnson and his close inner circle.

“It’s seen as the only real way out of an endless catalogue of alleged lawbreaking by 10 Downing Street is to have no laws to break,” the source adds. “With the lifting of all restrictions we can finally sweep the past into the long grass and get on with the job of levelling up the country with some other avoidable calamity to conceal the acid of Brexit.”

It’s believed that the coming weekend in Downing Street will be “epic”.

“We are going to party like it’s 2020!” the source enthuses. “And there’s nothing anyone can do about it because their professional lives depend on not doing anything about it.”

SAFE KEEPING NEVER GOT SAFER : 10 Downing Street is said to be in a “disordered” and “panicked” state this morning, just like every other morning, after Storm Eunice ploughed through the United Kingdom leaving a path of devastation in its wake unrivalled by all but Mr Johnson’s daily attempts at governance.

But even as the clean up begins there are troubling reports for the Prime Minister. First and foremost it appears the storm was unable to clear the backlog of lorries winding out of Dover and clogging up the arteries and veins of the UK’s trade network.

“We had expected the winds to at least take a few trucks out of the queue,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “But no. Which is just bloody typical, given it has EU in its name. We didn’t want to be part of the storm anyway just because of the name. And here we are? What exactly were the benefits of being involved in such an international event if it doesn’t blow away pissed off truckers?”

And there’s even worse news with the breaking story that the damage to the O2 Arena’s roof has had unintended consequences.

“It’s a crying shame,” the spokesman agrees. “All the copies of the Sue Gray report, and the little USB sticks the backups were stored on, were being stored for safekeeping under the O2 Arena’s roof. They’re all gone. Blown into the Thames and the alleyways of Greenwich. We advise anyone finding sheets of paper covered in damning evidence of the 10 Downing Street lockdown rule breaking to walk on by. Just keep going. To hold them in the light of day could be incredibly toxic. Especially for the Prime Minister.”

LEOPARDS AND SPOTS : World beating British Prime Minister Boris Johnson maybe on the ropes but he’s not yet down, which will please the people currently battering him.

This entirely fabricated report, based on the PM’s well documented past activities, can reveal that in an imaginary and close meeting last night inside the headquarters of the 1922 coven the Prime Minister regaled Tory rebels with stories of his “Falstaffian capacity for indecency” and “carousing”. The references led to many of the newer selection of Tory MPs, elected in 2019 to GET BREXIT DONE, reaching for their smart phones to search for meaning.

“It was a tour de force,” one insider told LCD Views. “It was the old Boris back and swinging. Everyone there was left with the distinct impression that the government of the UK was on a steady course. The direction remains completely unclear, but that’s what was so reassuring.”

And to prove he isn’t removed from the day to day struggles of the hardworking patriots of Britain Mr Johnson revealed a keen awareness of the cost of living crisis.

“I was in the toilet at the time looking up carousing, but I heard rumours after that the PM promised to change mistresses. This will be all that is needed to prove he understands the impact of the high energy costs and looming tax rises on the voters.”

It’s believed Mr Johnson will install his next mistress in “much cheaper accommodation and there’ll be no messy divorces and marriages. No gold wallpaper next time. Potentially S925, so still shiny, but nowhere near as extravagant.”

The promise to reign in the PM’s spending to bring it inline with ordinary people may have a potential downside.

“Donors anxious to get in the PM’s good graces for no particular reason at all maybe alarmed though,” the source muses. “His financial incontinence and inability to see consequences in any sphere, personal, business or government, is what has made him so attractive. If he really does lower his cost of living it could lead to a crisis in the actual way the UK is currently governed.”

Exactly who the PM has his eye on isn’t known but, “Given he’s pretty much screwed the entire country in his brief time in office it’ll be a short list indeed.”

GOOD NEWS IF TRUE : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has sought to get ahead of the Sue Gray report into Downing Street parties by having a fictional source reveal the findings of its own non-existent inquiry into the Downing Street lockdown rule busting parties.

The report has been titled “If the house is a rocking don’t bother knocking!” after a famous 80’s popular music hit beloved of the PM, and the title sets the tone for the content.

“We were in a mood to celebrate,” the report details after interviewing no one. “Dead people had piled up across the country because old Bojo really could care less, and other dead people would do so in even greater magnitude in the coming months, so if we couldn’t celebrate before that happened when could we?”

This will be considered a fair explanation by the Mail and the Sun, which is all that really matters. But there’s more.

“We had to pop a few corks to celebrate the success of the UK’s ramped up vaccine roll out. Because it was bound to be a great success when it happened. Who can blame us? Some of you, indeed many of you, are only alive today as a result of it. You were in danger of dying as a result of a decision to make masks a culture war battleground, just think yourself lucky the PM hedged his bets! And at the time we conceived of vaccinating against a potentially lethal virus no one else was even thinking about it. We essentially saved humanity. We should be commended, not nitpicked at over a few close friends sharing a glass of fizz. So why don’t you all just get back into your boxes and doff those caps.”

How much the report will protect the PM against the Gray report isn’t yet clear though, with Sue’s masterpiece due for delivery tomorrow.

“If she focuses on reality we’re screwed,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Thankfully the UK abandoned reality way back on the 24th June 2016, so there’s hope for the old blonde boofhead yet. By the way, have I mentioned the UK’s vaccine roll out? We’re ahead of the world. Except for the parts of it that we’re now behind.”

FINGERS IN THE EARS AND GOING LA LA LA: Ignorance is bliss. Although ignorance of the law is no defence. Especially if you are the one who created the law then spent days repeating it. 

World beating world king and newly clothed emperor, Boris Johnson, is feeling the heat. Why, oh why, oh why, he demands, does anyone expect ME to run the country? 

“When I, as it were, isn’t it, you know, yes, no, well, erm, wiff waff, became, you know, Prime Minister, nobody told me that I actually had to do the Prime Ministering,” Johnson revealed. “All I have to do is to be PM, other people actually, and and and, this is not easy to say, VACCINES!!, erm, other people actually do the work.” 

Where does the buck stop? 

“The bucks go into my pocket, with the pounds, euros and roubles,” he replied. “The bucks stop with me, I can always get someone else to buy stuff, like that ghastly wallpaper that ghastly woman foisted on me.” 

Carrie? 

“Is that the filly’s name? Really?” he spluttered. “Leaking to the press, going behind everyone’s back, manipulating, pretending to have babies. I mean, I thought that was my job!” 

No, your job is to run the country. 

“You don’t want me running the country!” chuckled Johnson. “Can you imagine? Talking bollocks, waving a little flag, dressing up, getting pissed, and saying ‘wiff waff’ all the time? I would be rubbish!” 

But still you became the PM. 

“Nobody told me I would have to do any, erm, erm, what’s the word now… ah yes, work!” he snivelled. “I’ve never followed the rules before, why start now? Wiff waff! Veni vidi da Vinci Code! In any case we must wait for Sue Grey’s report, which will be delayed indefinitely.” 

The job of world king is not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. 

YOU CAN’T BUY CLASS BUT YOU CAN GET IT DONATED : RUMOURS IN THE WESTMINSTER VILLAGE suggest that Britain’s outgoing Prime Minister Carrie Johnson and her consort Boris are to ask the HIGH COURT to rule on whether or not they get to keep the gold wallpaper.

The decision to redecorate the famous Downing Street address was taken early in the Johnson’s tenure and one of the most significant decisions the pair took while in government. It was hoped the changes to 10 Downing Street would have been at least “as semi-permanent as a Boris Johnson family household” but it seems likely the wallpaper will be stripped away as rapidly as “a Union Flag by the tutor in an IT lesson”.

The fate of the wallpaper is a key decision as it symbolises the great strides taken by the pair as they oversaw the successes of not only Brexit and the pandemic, but of bringing a touch of new money class to the “slum” in central London.

“If Mr and Mrs Johnson keep possession of the wallpaper it will go a long way to funding their retirement from public life,” our non-existent financial expert comments on the fabricated rumours. “It is believed to be high carat wallpaper and could be melted down and recast as ingots.”

Although there is more than just immediate financial security riding on who keeps the stunning wall covering.

“If the wallpaper is deemed by a judge to be public property it will have to be treated like all public assets under Tory administrations,” our expert concludes. “That is sold off to private interests, stripped and the profits relocated to an offshore location. From there they can be used to purchase more public assets in the virtuous cycle of Conservative fiscal management of UK plc.”

But it’s felt that Mr Johnson may have more than financial aims in his mind.

“If he continues on as an MP he will be dreaming of his comeback and will likely use lengths of the impressive paper to write letters of no confidence on about whoever succeeds him as PM. Presumably before he’s even had time to pack his bags and get out of No 10.”

PATRIOTISM IS ON THE MARCH : MPs at The Ministry of Culture are expecting to be busier than ever over the coming weeks as they take back control of The British Museum.

It’s long been acknowledged that the museum is a hotbed of woke subversion and it’s high time something was done about it. One of the most pressing issues is the need to revise the provenance of the millions of historical artefacts housed in the grand building in central London.

“Downing Street has taken a moment out from its pressing concerns over flat refurbishments to focus on the issue of the Benin Bronzes, The Elgin Marbles and various other items of British property that saboteurs from Brussels are using to undermine British sovereignty,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They’ve come up with a solution, between the lobster and sea bass courses, which puts the matter to rest forever.”

The solution is a neat one and it is claimed supports British industry.

“We will be nationalising the sticker factories that currently churn out those unpatriotic ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ stickers and repurposing them to put Britain firmly on the world map.”

New stickers will be produced which say “Made In Britain” and are Union Flag patterned, and they’ll be produced by the millions.

“MPs from the Ministry of Culture will tour the British Museum and affix the stickers to every single artefact either on display, or in a box somewhere in the vaults. We will soon show those pesky forrins who owns what! And if anyone quibbles over the claim that, for example, The Map of the World, Abu Habba, Iraq 700-500 BB (Before Britain) is truly British then they’ll soon have egg on their face when they see the ‘Made In Britain’ sticker on its surface!”

Plans are also in place to tattoo the foreheads of all babies born in the UK with Union Flags so wherever they end up in the world people will know they’re British.

“As that’s normally a secret.”

AS SANDS THROUGH THE HOUR GLASS : World beating Prime Minister and hobbyist virologist Boris Johnson is reported to have begun 2022 as he ended 2021.

“And it’s how he means to go on,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When he’s not on holiday he’ll be hard at working shirking his responsibilities.”

The early achiever award for the PM is said to result from a series of resolutions he made at the stroke of midnight, as 2021 spluttered and crashed into history and 2022 had just begun to mewl into life.

“He made a series of resolutions to a crowded room. But no sooner had he made them then he broke them one by one. By one minute past midnight he gone back on his promise not to make irrelevant classical references. By one minute and a half he had abandoned any pretence to wearing a mask where required. In his defence the mask he took off was of Batman. And he just got worse from there on.”

The PM keeping his form will reassure an anxious nation though, as they wait to see if the turning over of the calendar will lead to a surprise like public first governance.

“Nope. It’ll be Lord of the Flies still,” the source affirmed. “Sometime soon Johnson will be turfed out and replaced with Truss or some other noisy, empty vessel. By this stage anyone who had made a resolution not to drink in 2022 will have firmly fallen off the wagon again. Happy New Year.”