WHY SHOULDN’T YOU BUY RUSSIAN UNDERPANTS: As the Ukraine crisis intensifies, one man is at least trying to lighten the mood. Russian-sponsored comedy Prime Minister Boris Johnson is going full international statesman and cracking ancient Dad jokes.
As the Russian invasion force reaches the site of the notorious Chernobyl nuclear disaster, the old joke has gained new traction. The unfortunate troops may end up being hung out to dry.
But it is Johnson who can afford to see the funny side, safe in his secret bunker paid for by generous Russian donors. “A dad joke a day keeps invaders at bay,” is his new personal motto.
This is according to a rather more unreliable Downing Street source than usual, Carrie Johnson. Carrie, herself undertaking a sponsored pregnancy drive on behalf of the Conservative Friends of Russia, volunteered to fulfil the position of Official Spokesman. The previous incumbent resigned after failing to realise that televised lies count more than private ones.
“Boris Stanleyvitch has been told – I mean, has decided, to raise the spirits!” she told assembled hacks, desperate for a scoop. “He is working his way through a crate of spiffing spaffing vodka right now! Why so serious? Russia will win – hooray! Let’s be cheerful. Always look on the bright side of life!”
Quite appropriate for a crucified man being hung out to dry.
“No? Not a titter? Not so much as a smile? Well I almost wet myself laughing when I heard it the first time,” Carrie continued. “Those poor peasants in fatigues, just think about them! Ha ha! Fall out? More likely to fall off, I should think!”
The fall out from that comment was that every man present subconsciously crossed his legs. At least they were spared the same fate. But just in case, you should never buy Russian underpants.
Because Chernobyl fall out.