Category: Really fake news

THE MASK OF ZERO : THE UK’S FAVOURITE GRANDFATHER, DAD AND ALL ROUND PUBLIC ENEMY NUMBER ONE, STANLEY JOHNSON, HAS TODAY BEEN FITTED WITH A GPS ANKLE BRACELET.

The decision to apply digital shackles to the PM’s dad was taken as he has become a daily spectacle thumbing his unfettered nose at CV-19 regulations.

But in a twist to the story the police deny being involved and it is as yet unclear who wrestled the old scoundrel to the ground, tagged and bagged him.

“The Met have been instructed to pursue an inquiry at haste to find the culprits,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “Stanley has been doing excellent service in our unacknowledged quest to pursue herd immunity in England from Covid-19, without a vaccine, by making a total travesty of laws that could see commoners fined £10K.”

Deepening the mystery is the appearance on app stores of a new app called “Where’s Stanley Johnson?”, which updates users constantly regarding Mr Johnson senior’s location. Be he in London or Greece.

But users of the app have complained it is so busy, the alerts so frequent, that the app is draining their battery with constant notifications and warnings, particularly centred on use of public transport.

“If we can’t find the vigilantes behind the app and the bracelet there’s a danger in a resurgence of working from home,” the Downing Street source fretted, “which will do our donor’s no favours at all. But people just do not want to get on public transport knowing that a Johnson may appear at any moment unmasked.”

Asked whether the police had considered actually fining the serial offender, to display the seriousness of the government’s intent in tackling Covid-19, the Downing Street source just laughed.

WHAT’S 16,000 MISSING COVID TESTS BETWEEN FRIENDS : Happy days inside megacorp Serco today with the rumour that the bigwigs will be receiving a record bonus payment for their service to the country.

“In our time of need they were there,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we only have until Brexit really bites to clear out the public coffers, and our friends in private enterprise have stepped up to the plate.”

The (make believe) decision to award the multi-national for its work will utilise the successful strategy employed so far.

“We’ll call it an NHS Bonus Payment,” the source reveals, “as misuse of such a loved national brand gives us political cover, while also eroding public trust in the brand. Neat little one two.”

What the executives receiving the bonus will do with the money isn’t yet clear. It must be difficult finding places to stash it all now.

“I would advise them to set up a firm that specialises in PPE. Put five quid on the books and get ready to be gifted a multi-million pound contract by ministerial decree. It’s nice work if you can get it!”

Experts working in public health are also keen to stress the fantastic job being done by jockey Harding and the Serco team.

“Can you imagine if those missing test results were made available in a timely fashion? It would have ruined many people’s weekend plans,” the source grinned, “but that didn’t happen. People were free to see granny and say ‘Oh, it’s just a normal cold. Otherwise they would have told me.'”

What’s 16,000 missing, positive CV-19 test results between friends?

A hell of a lot of Covid, and potentially one or two missing friends, permanently.

Disaster capitalism. It’s coming for you.

THE SPECIAL ONE : THE UNITED KINGDOM’S primed minister, Boris Johnson, has held a special news conference to bat away tricky googlies aimed at his time at the wicket during Covid-19.

“I’m having a great innings,” Mr Johnson told a pained reporter, “just the greatest innings. If you look at the time served by other prime ministers no one has been a better ally to a crisis than me.”

Something with which everyone can easily agree.

“It’s the fake news media that is to blame for the confusion regarding CV-19 laws and regulations,” he continued, “although some of it is only advisory. You have to use your common sense. You were born with common sense, weren’t you? I know I was. I have the commonest common sense of anybody. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you. That Boris, he has common common sense.”

He’s really clearing it up for everyone.

“I blame the so called journalists. Dom texts Matt the new rules just before midnight each day and Matt tweets them or writes an article behind a paywall to let everyone know. Ignorance is no defence of the law, unless you’re my dad or me.”

Fair enough. With great privilege comes great privilege. Everyone accepts that.

“You can be fined up to ten thousand pounds now if you fall foul of the constantly changing laws. We have to do this. The virus is a slippery enemy. We have to keep it off balance or it could strike anytime. This is why we have replaced policing by consent with confusion by consent. It’s an excellent strategy.”

But when pressed on the finer details of the laws, as applied to one particular street in Hull, while the road running parallel is now governed by different regulations, the PM was adamant.

“No one I know is going to be charged and fined. Why would they go to Hull? Cripes!” the PM concluded, “so why the hell would I bother myself in knowing the details of the constantly shifting CV-19 laws?”

MAKING AN EXAMPLE OF HIMSELF : THE PRIME MINISTER’S DAD, STANLEY JOHNSON, has been chosen to front a new public health campaign aimed at heightening awareness of CV-19 restrictions.

The short film will be shot in a variety of locations in England, and on continental Europe, as Downing Street strains every sinew to keep the public informed.

“It’s important that everyone follows the law or they could be slapped with a whooping £10K fine,” a spokesman for Serco, the production company chosen to produce the film, told LCD Views, “this is why we are ramping up the public messaging. You don’t want to find yourself facing a £10K fine. Unless you’re a multi-millionaire either in the government, or closely connected to it, in which case you won’t be fined anyway. But the same can’t be said for the hoi polloi. This is part of our levelling up agenda.”

It’s believed the footage will be accompanied by an upbeat soundtrack with songs such as “My Way” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” just two of the world renowned classics that will add mood as Stanley raises your awareness.

“He’ll just be himself,” an aide to the director, Mr De’ath, told LCD Views, “he will go about day to day life and break as many restrictions as possible, and be filmed while at it. He’s really going to make an example of himself for the whole world to see.”

And get away with it.

“Don’t do as we do,” Mr De’ath added, “do as we say. It perfectly captures the guiding principle of Boris Johnson’s government.”

It’s hoped the public will help the campaign go viral.

IN THE FROZEN DARKNESS OF HER HEART : Those wishing UK Home Secretary Priti Patel would just bugger off are to see their wish fulfilled.

The Home Office is expected to confirm rumours circulating that Ms Patel has been chosen to lead a mission to Mars.

“Not chosen, demanded it,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, “Dominic Raab showed her an article about the discovery of salty lakes under the Martian pole and asked her to point them out on his UK map. But Patel was so excited she could barely stand it and ran here.”

It seems Mr Raab was left open mouthed with his question unanswered (to this day) as the Home Secretary moved rapidly to cobble together a Martian mission, with the Prime Minister’s blessings.

“She’s going to scoop those terrifying people straight out of the English Channel and stuff them into the cargo hold of her new space shit. I mean, space ship,” the Downing Street source informs, “then it’s turbo boost all the way to Mars. Drill down under the polar cap. Shove the desperate people into some cages and job done. Try getting your claim for asylum processed from Mars! Ha! Global Britain! What a brand. It’s all smiles for Priti from there on in, not that you’ll notice the difference.”

But while the plan itself is clearly feasible and an extension of compassionate conservatism, some astronomers have suggested all may not go according to plan.

“Recent photos of Mars show there’s already vans driving around the poles with loudhailers shouting ‘Bog off! We’re full!’ as Nigel Farage attempts to pull off Marsxit, having failed to end FOM in Switzerland.”

COUNTRY BEATING : Downing Street has moved today to “streamline, augment and foment” the world beating achievements of the Cummings’ government by the establishment of a shiny new ministry.

“The Ministry for Ministerial Competence will ramp up the gold standard delivery of service to our customers and clients,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and with an initial budget of £12bn it can only go in one direction.”

The Ministry’s chief duties will be to visit all serving cabinet ministers and pat them on the back. With Wednesday set aside to focus on PMQs and choral singing of validation for Boris Johnson on College Green.

“There’s too much gloomsaying and doom peddling about the achievements of ministers,” the source adds, “we aim to contradict that by having junior ministers from the new MMC go around daily and tell Priti Patel that tough love is justice. Braverman that the law is an arse. Raab that maps are for girly squats, and so on. This will ensure that the British people keep getting exactly what they voted for.”

And to help the work of the ministry there will be a new award established for political service.

“The Dido Harding Award for Public Service will be awarded annually. I have it on the sly that Coronavirus is tipped to win the award for 2020. But in consideration that Chris Grayling will be running the new Ministry, it can only be a matter of time until he awards it to himself.”

Other awards will also be handed out by the Ministry for Ministerial Competence.

“The Reward for Failure will be a prize trophy,” the source finishes, “although it’s probably going to have to be shared by the whole lot of them.”

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : BELEAGUERED multiple family man, Boris “of no fixed abode” Johnson, is said to be feeling a relief “akin to Icarus seeing the sun set early” at news that he has himself decided to introduce UBI to the UK.

The introduction of Universal Basic Income will however be means tested.

“We’ve set a floor of £150K a year on the income required to qualify to receive Universal Basic Income,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “this is so the strivers don’t become disincentivised and turn into shirkers, when if they just work hard enough they could become inheritance millionaires. Just like us.”

And the generosity shown by the Prime Minister will of course have an unintended benefit for himself.

“It will make life easier for Mr Johnson,” the aide admitted, “now when he walks through his private study and out into his private garden for his midmorning nap, he won’t be worrying about counting the pennies to pay for childcare.”

Of course the top up to the prime ministerial purse will give Mr Johnson greater choice now.

“I suspect he will still continue to work casually and be a stay at home dad. Just you can never be sure what home he’ll be staying in.”

But what is the level of payment that those who qualify can expect to receive?

“What’s the average weekly wage of a live in nanny?” the aide responded, “whatever that is. Plus a little extra so a particular hardworking dad can have a cheeky bet on the horses after he’s finished shagging the nanny.”

*just because : https://owlcation.com/humanities/Curious-Origins-of-Nursery-Rhymes-Sing-a-Song-of-Sixpence#:~:text=In%20a%20highly%20original%20and%20elaborate%20interpretation%2C%20the,pay%20a%20salary%20but%20merely%20divided%20any%20spoils.

FORESKIN ON THE KNOB OF FORESIGHT : It’s easy to forecast the future if you’re a superforecaster, but not everyone can be super. It’s a good thing Global Britain has a prime minister who has outsourced his brain to someone super.

And while the breaking news that Barbados has decided to discard the Queen may have shocked some in Blighty, it hasn’t shocked the man who saw it all coming.

“The only problem being that when Dom forecast that Barbados would become a Republic in 2010, he forget to write it down,” a Downing Street source said, “it was supposed to be included in a 200,000 word salad on how free markets could eradicate the issue of two socks going into one washing machine, but only one coming back out, based on the principles of Sun Tzu regarding staging successful ambushes of skirmishing cavalry. So he’s putting that right today, and editing the relevant blog post from 2010 to correct the historical record. Put things how they’re supposed to be, just like he did with Coronavirus.”

The correction will be reassuring to many. It would be unbecoming for such a genius to not have foreseen this event just as Britain relaunches the Commonwealth.

“It will also reassure the people of Barbados,” the source adds, “it will give them confidence that they are making the right choice, at the right time and ridding themselves of contemporary association with a country that is fast becoming a global embarrassment. I’m sure they’ve no hard feelings towards Her Majesty, but she does keep signing off those ridiculous bills into law.”

Brexit Britain – people just can’t get enough of us.

DOM DE PLUME : Town Halls across England are reporting a surge in people wishing to legally change their name today.

The rush to get a new handle appears to be related to an earlier television outing today by everyone’s favourite party entertainer, Priti Patel, who also works a side line as Home Secretary. This is in spite of having to resign in 2017 for running a secret foreign policy agenda involving attempts to redirect public money to a foreign military.

“People who meet on the street are breaking the law,” Ms Patel smiled, “unless they are going to shoot animals. It’s perfectly reasonable. What better way to remind everyone in this United Kingdom that they are entering a new era of feudal servitude than by making laws that favour the wealthy landowners more likely to vote Tory?”

But of course anyone in the UK having a passing glance at recent events will know that you don’t have to be wealthy, necessarily (although it definitely helps), to get away with breaking CV-19 restrictions in the UK. But you do need to have the right name.

“I am a little bemused personally. People could change their name to Stanley Johnson, Robert Jenrick or a cast of other Tory figures who have been relaxed about CV-19 restrictions. But I guess everyone wants to be the top dog.”

And being the top dog means there’s only one name to change yours too.

Dominic Cummings. And then you can get away with everything. From the little irregularities in the 2016 EU ref all the way through to driving to test your eye sight.

Dom de plume. Gets yours today.

HIGH AS A KITE : An unnamed Conservative Party MP is believed to have been admitted to the famous treatment centre, The Priory.

The MP is suffering from an ideological substance abuse issue that rumours suggest have turned him, or her, into a “brain dead, lobotomised, dribbling fool who can no longer be trusted to use a fork, due to the risk of serious injury.”

Sovereignty is of course a misunderstood substance. It can cause temporary euphoria in users, but like most addicted substances that compensate for something missing in the addict’s life, it soon becomes dangerous.

“It’s completely habit forming. You begin by telling people with differing views to yourself to bog off, then as usage escalates you turn your fire onto nations within your own union.”

The later stage of addiction will see the serious addict breaking international laws and telling their allies and neighbours to shove it.

“At this point it’s best to place the addict in a medical coma and wash their system out with purgatives. Many have no hope of recovery and end up with mad blonde hair styles.”

LCD Views would like to point out that sovereignty can be used safely, but to be enjoyable it needs to be combined in measured doses with the sovereignty possessed by likeminded others.

“If you just mainline it on your own you’re screwed,” our expert advises, “the type of Sovereignty currently being dealt in Westminster will turn many MPs into drooling muppets, and has already done it to some. It’s hard to tell what is the worse side affect of heavy use? The rotting of the vertebrae? The dissolution of the ability for critical thought and inability to see consequences of your own actions? Or just the fact they become total pains in the arse.”