Category: Really fake news

LOCK IT DOWN : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is understood to be taking the rest of the month off, in order to recover from a unique and unprecedented ordeal.

“It was simply terrifying,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but the people’s prime minister rose to the challenge when duty called.”

The challenge initially involved finishing lunch earlier than planned.

“Well, that was a matter of some debate with the rest of the cabinet. Al only got up around 11am. He accidentally wandered into his office, instead of the bathroom. His eyes were a little bleary from the night before. I don’t think he noticed Gove sitting behind his desk pretending to sign a declaration of war against Wales. But after he had freshened up he made it to the dining room. There ensued a fierce discussion with Carrie over whether or not he was actually having breakfast, lunch or in reality brunch? It was a very charming family scene. They both switched to fluent Russian. Which made the painting with the camera and microphone smile. Boris had to employ some half remembered classical allusions to win out. Something about Medusa and internecine conflict in a wool shop with Theseus. He eventually got his full English, with pheasant, and called it brunch.”

Clearly that would have been enough of a day’s work for your average prime minister, but fate had more in store for Boris Johnson.

“It was as he was using the table cloth to wipe the mustard off his lips that it happened. Dominic sauntered in and made the shocking announcement. Boris was going to have to talk to the nation. Normally he loves this kind of thing, but given he was going to have to contradict everything he’d been saying for the past several weeks over CV-19 lockdowns, it was a little ticklish. But worst of all. It looked like work, it smelt like work and it felt like work. And it was a Saturday.”

What followed thereafter was televised. The aftermath will be endured in private, with friends, with donors, and almost certainly some arts and crafts.

“He’s busily painting a bus he made out of an empty crate of Pinot Shattuer Clusterfook 2016 to 2020 Ongoing vintage. And it is hoped he will make a full recovery in time to announce the closing of schools in a few weeks time. After the current half arsed attempt to look like they’re doing something other than making friends richer via Covid plays out.”

CONTAINS IN APP ADVERTISING : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY HAS ANNOUNCED TODAY A MAJOR NEW DIGITAL BREAKTHROUGH IN THE FIGHT TO GRAB PUBLIC CASH.

“Papp”.

“Papp uses the same world beating software that was used to develop the gold standard ‘Matt the App’ for the Health Secretary,” a 10 Downing Street source enthused, “Only it’s now ramped up to get app making done.”

Papp will only be available to Conservative Party donors and friends of cabinet minister, giving it an exclusivity to die for in the fight against CV-19.

“Users who download Papp will be able to bid for PPE contracts wherever they are. Be they wandering the halls of their mansion, in their third or fourth home, in a chauffeur driven limo, anywhere they have an internet or mobile connection.”

And what’s even better is the nudge theory used in the app will prompt users to bid for PPE contracts again and again.

“Regular users will get prompts as they go about their day encouraging people to pretend there is not a pandemic,” the source continues, “they maybe nodding along to a tabloid headline about how there’s nothing to fear if you’re poor and get Covid, and up will pop Papp to remind them it’s time to set up another shell company and grab a PPE contract.”

There will be a series of levels for users, but even infrequent players will easily be able to grab a £108m contract to supply rubber gloves at £50 a glove to the NHS.”

Papp is never dull, and with its exciting range of icons based on WW2, users will be back to win untendered contracts again and again.

“If there’s a penny left in the public purse there’s a reason to open Papp.”

And it’s not just ministers that are enthusing over Papp. The Disaster Capitalists Guild has named Papp it’s app of 2020.

Get get Papp today, don’t let the smears put you off!

LIARLAND PARADISE : BORIS JOHNSON has his finger on the pulses today of his closest friends as he sets out to imitate a Kardashian trendsetter.

“I’m not sure how he can afford to do it on his budget?” a close friend allegedly told LCD Views, “paying Carrie Symonds lookalikes for Downing Street photo ops is an expensive business. And that’s before he shells out for poop bags for the Dylin lookalikes. I can’t believe he can’t claim that shit on expenses. It’s a scandal.”

But tightened belt or not the people’s prime minister is looking to take a selection of friends away for a dose of normalcy during tiring times.

“You know what they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. The same goes for Boris and Al and whatever other names he uses. A break on an island is just the ticket. Get some normal life back. Bunga bunga parties. Shaking off security details to meet with mysterious Russians. Lots of bouncy blondes. And all paid for by some friendly billionaires.”

And to show he hasn’t lost his sense of play Mr Johnson is believed to have come up with a catchy name for the getaway.

“Will of the People Island Holiday. Get Holidaying Done. Phrases like that. Everyone will know what they’re in for even before they arrive on Mustique.”

But what about friends who fail the medical test?

“How? You saw how Coronavirus ripped through Johnson and the cabinet. It’s not possible to fail the test even if the result is positive.”

But how will the coterie travel to Mustique? Private Jet?

“Yes. But to start the adventure they’ll all be picked up by a big red bus. When you see the big red Boris bus you know you’re being taken for a ride.”

PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE UNTENDERED CONTRACTS : England’s hungry children are set to experience happier days shortly as Downing Street moves to end the furore over Downing Street’s decision to not feed England’s hungry children.

“We have set up a special school dinner programme that will take the matter out of the inefficient hands of state schools that have too often failed to feed children,” the prime minister is expected to tell a press conference later today.

“Working with our private partners we will deliver food like substances to hungry children up and down England. Most days. Some weeks.”

The new delivery service will be run by everyone’s favourite corporate giant, Serco.

“Serco’s experts will consult and deliver meals direct to open mouthed slum children, via a complex array of sub-contractors. This solves the problem of parents swapping chicken nuggets for bags of crack cocaine.”

The service will have an initial budget of several billion, but the budget is open ended.

“The long term fiscal advantages of employing the private sector will be obvious immediately. Especially to the private sector.”

It is believed the consultants employed by Serco School Dinners will initially advise that better menus are produced to entice starving children to the dining table.

“It’s clear that one of the big problems is not a lack of food, it’s kept in warehouses often very close to entire slums. No it’s in the story told to children about that food. Chicken nuggets and chips doesn’t sound especially appetising. Such a tired old story. But if the meal is recast as something like ‘a selection of choice petit poulet fleisch with invigorated solanaceae selections, embellished with a free flowing tomato relish’, why children will believe they’re dining at the subsidised House of Commons and rush to the trough.”

Importantly too there will be no penalty clauses in the contract.

“If children don’t eat it’s their fault for being fussy,” the prime minister will conclude, “there’s twigs, leaves and slogans to be found all around the country. And once Serco School Dinners is up and running the bank accounts of the consultants will be overflowing with fiscal nutrience. And with £7K being paid per meal served to each child to each consultant, no child will go hungry ever again. This is what we mean by levelling up the country.”

AIRFARCE ONE : The people’s prime minister, Boris Johnson, has decided to lift the spirits of the nation’s children, after a week that can best be described as dispiriting.

“His aeroplane, recently repainted with the Union Jack at vast expense, is to undergo another paint job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but this time the plane will be painted with food icons.”

The food, which will be exclusively dishes favoured by hungry children, will be painted with a cartoon flair to “encapsulate the PM’s innate sense of play”.

“When the hungry mites see his plane flying overhead they’ll now see great big dishes of spaghetti, burgers and fries, fish and chips and so on, painted on the undercarriage.”

But because of the PM’s concern that children should lose weight, there will also be healthy eating options painted under the wings.

“Clearly starving children is one way to tackle the epidemic of child obesity,” the source continues, “but education is also important. So images of raw broccoli, capsicum and cucumber sticks will also be displayed.”

It’s felt that seeing the food flying over their heads will also be aspirational.

“Just think, if you leave school early you can get a job and maybe one day afford a meal?” the source enthuses, “and this will make social distancing in schools easier. Especially as the jobs available will be digi economy, app based, isolated and keep kids moving so swiftly that Covid-19 can’t catch up to them.”

Plans to regulate the bartering for hard drugs with food are also being considered.

“Children should know how much crack they’ll get in their slum when they go to exchange a tin of beans for a fix. We want to ensure the prices are fixed so that everyone can get involved on a level playing field.”

Critics have attacked this additional move, calling it medalling in the free market for hard drugs and ready meals, but it’s believed the PM will push on regardless after Michael Gove personally championed the initiative.

VIRTUE SIGNALLED : Disturbing reports this morning that a Conservative MP has been killed by his symbolic, floral display.

The incident is believed to have occurred during the debate on whether or not to feed starving children over Christmas.

“Clearly the right decision was taken by the patriotic government to let poor children starve,” Tory Peer Lord Flagshagger of Flagshag on Shag told LCD Views, “otherwise what did those men die on those beaches for? How will underfed children motivate themselves to be inheritance millionaires when they grow up, if they aren’t unnecessarily hungry as mites? Really sharpens the mind.”

But what about the deceased MP?

“Oh, he was just lobby fodder doing what he was told. He won’t be missed. I doubt he’ll be remembered. Crushed under the weight of his patriotism. An excellent way to go.”

That doesn’t sound very compassionate.

“He’s a noble sacrifice for the cause. And seriously, if you’re wearing a poppy so big no one can see you’ve slipped and are slowly being asphyxiated under it? Well, there’s no greater way to remember our fallen then to join them while blatantly virtue signalling.”

Do you think the episode opens up a debate on how we remember the conflicts of the past, in the present day, and whether or not we’re losing nuance and context, and perhaps increasing the possibility of repeating the mistakes which led to great global conflicts by steeping our national culture too deeply in nationalism and exceptionalism, when you consider that those who make the most obvious displays are also often the ones who push nationalism, so the association is developed and it’s not healthy, and the whole culture of remembrance, in the political sphere, becomes devoid of the realities of the human experience in times of war?

“What? You lost me at ‘do you think’.”

Would you like me to repeat the question?

“No. The bloody oysters are off. I’ve just seen the email from the House of Commons restaurant.”

What are you going to do?

“I guess I’ll have the salmon mousse.”

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS : Embattled alleged internationalist kleptocratic clique stooge Boris Johnson has held out an olive branch to the “King in the North”.

While the negotiations over funding for Manchester appear to be going as well as Mr Johnson having all his families over for dinner, Mr Johnson has nevertheless pulled a trump card out of his genius hole.

“He’s offering Burnham an additional £43m for Manchester,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but there’s strings attached. The money is ring fenced and can’t be spent on Covid-19 related issues.”

What the money can be spent on is in theory a secret, but our reliable source has let the cat out of the bag.

“He’s going to give it to Burnham but only if he promises to spend it planning a Garden Bridge over the River Tame. It’s close enough to Thames in spelling that it’s completely confused Dominic Raab. But that’s standard. It has however given Mr Johnson a way to fulfil his dream of building a garden bridge. And of course it will unite the country and restore belief in Boris Johnson’s make believe government.”

The bridge will be championed by credulous celebrities and ALL the money spent on designing it.

“Clearly the scheme doesn’t actually need to come to fulfilment,” the source shrugs, “like everything the government does it’s a neat way of getting money into the pockets of our chums. Public outcomes are unimportant.”

What Mr Burnham will do with the offer isn’t clear.

He’s waiting for it to be leaked to the MSM news channels, like all government decisions these days, and then for someone else to run over and tell him about it. He will react after that.

Strong and stable government. Not chaos under Ed Miliband. Get Bridge Building Done.

NO QUESTIONS ASKED: Manchester’s suddenly famous mayor, Andy Burnham, has found a way past the UK’s intransigence. Instead of accepting Boris Johnson’s final offer of £60m, he has set up a dormant company and offered to supply PPE.

Within minutes the deal was sealed. No deal proved better than a bad deal, since none of the £108 will go towards PPE. Instead it will alleviate the worst effects of the Manchester lockdown. It’s an instant double your money move.

Other prominent Mancunian leaders are now contemplating pulling the same stunt. One enterprising soul is proposing to run a better Track & Trace system, in return for £12bn. Of this, a more up-to-date version of Excel and a temp to input data will be spent. A few pounds on advertising and bingo! Manchester will be quids in.

Burnham’s genius lies in the naming of his off-the-shelf company. Enterprise Ferries & Fisheries Ltd was such obviously Brexity bait that the big fish in the Department of Health swallowed it, hook line and sinker.

The Financial Director (Burnham) informed the CEO (also Burnham) that the money had appeared via an unspecified route. The Sales Director (Burnham as well) instantly resigned to spend more time with his responsibilities.

It’s not much in the bigger scheme of things, but it’s a start. At just under £40 per person in the region, it should just about cover a meal for everyone in the pub before they are all forced to close again.

Ten days of fractious discussions has led us to the point where both sides allege that the other walked away first. It fills the nation with great hope. Nobody comes out of the situation looking good. Instead, the hope is that, by walking out of Brexit discussions, the EU will look as petty and vindictive as the UK. That should stop Keir Starmer invoking Article 49 for an instant return to the EU, when he takes over shortly after Johnson’s government does a collective bunk with the money next January.

Bring on the winter of our discontent!

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : LCD Views has learned this evening that a consultant working on the Serco Track and Trace system has been rushed to A&E after hearing a common phrase for the first time.

It’s believed the individual was busy counting their money after another day’s hard consulting when they heard the phrase “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”, and was injured.

“The consultant is said to be in a stable condition at an inner London private hospital and is expected to receive a personal visit from the prime minister later this evening,” a spokesman for Serco Track and Trace told LCD Views.

“Although they have requested that Boris Johnson wears a mask during the visit, preferably a full biohazard suit, keeps his distance and does not attempt to shake hands,” the spokesman continued, “they may not be very good at setting up something as basic as a test and trace service for an infectious disease, but you don’t get over seven thousand pounds a day to consult if you’re a complete idiot.”

When pushed for details of how a common saying could have injured the consultant the spokesman shrugged.

“As I understand it they broke a rib laughing, split their sides, fell over and rolled about the floor howling. No such thing as a free lunch when you’re on seven thousand pounds a day with seemingly zero expectation of any output but transferring public cash to your bank account? That’s a free lunch mate. Be in no doubt about it.”

USE YOUR TALENTS WISELY : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has made a surprise announcement today. He is to step down from front line politics and promote chicken dinners.

The announcement was made at the start of a press conference to publicise the much trailed new restrictions on the activities of subjects in the ‘North’, in response to Covid-19.

“Like Theseus in a KFC, but without his famous spool of wool, I have at times felt lost in a maze of poultry. Bereft. Confused. Wondering what would Churchill do?” the outgoing prime minister began, “but no more! As Alexander the Great, that famous fancier of secret herbs and spices once said, give me a bucket! An oven ready bucket of frozen Boris Johnson brand chicken!”

At this point the temporary prime minister pulled out a brown paper bag from under the podium.

“In time the bag will have branding, but for today I will entrust the great British public to use their imagination.”

Next the blonde buffoon rummaged about in the bag and eventually produced a vacuum sealed package of what appeared to be fried chicken. And was.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners!” the big baby bounced about, “so finger licking good you’ll think you’ve been to a technology lesson!”

Smirk. Cast about for applause.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners! Because chlorine is a food group!”

From there on the speech became less coherent. Especially when he eventually reached the part about tightening of Covid-19 restrictions in the “North”, or “The Harrying 2.0”, as the new nest of policies has been named.

“And don’t worry if our bungling of the Covid-19 response means you can’t leave your home in Manchester to go to the supermarket. Boris Johnson’s Oven Ready Chicken Dinners will come to you! Just as soon as I work out a distribution network. I’ll get Dido to run it. Now remember. Stay Home. Stay Alert. Go Out. Put a Boris Johnson Oven Ready Chicken Dinner in the oven.”

It’s what Churchill would do in a pandemic. Isn’t it?