Category: Really fake news

SEE NO EVIL SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR A LOT OF EVIL : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ENDED THIS WEEK AS HE DOES MOST, WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A BOLD BUILDING PROJECT.

But it’s not a bridge he’s suggesting, or a rocket ship, no this week he has taken a leaf out of Donald Trump’s scat smeared colouring book and decided he’s going to build a wall.

“Just the greatest wall! Not many people know this, but no one in England has ever built a wall around a city before. And let me tell you folks you’re going to be amazed. So amazed. People all over the world will be talking about my wall. Just the greatest wall. So big. So Mancunian!”

The choice of Manchester for the wall is obvious, as they tend to vote Labour.

“We can’t have little Andy Burnham sneaking out of Manchester and spreading his dangerous ideas about supporting working people forced into endless isolation and penury by my WORLD BEATING management of Covid-19. They should have got a PPE contract! All the smartest people have PPE contracts! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”

To assist with the PR campaign to convince the country that the wall around Manchester is necessary there will be a merchandising campaign, with stockpiles of MAGA hats flown over from the dusty warehouses they now rot in in the USA.

“And I know what you’re going to ask next. I know it. I have the greatest brain. Everybody can see it. I make buses out of empty wine crates. I ride forklifts through boxes. I hide in fridges! I’m a LEADER. OF. MEN. And I know how we’re going to pay for the wall around Manchester and keep areas with significantly higher COVID-19 infection rates safe from the crazy people who live there.”

Pause to allow suspense.

“We’re going to build a wall! And LITTLE ANDY BURNHAM is going to PAY FOR IT.”

At least that’s the plan, but it’s likely to backfire, like everything Johnson does since becoming the people’s prime minister.

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT HANCOCK HAS BEEN A BUSY BOY DURING 2020, WHAT WITH COVID-19 OPENING UP ALL SORTS OF OPPORTUNITIES TO SHINE.

But no where has he excelled more, some may say, than in the awarding without tender of PPE contracts.

And as 2020 draws to a close with a Covid Christmas waiting in late December, it seems likely PPE demand will continue to ebb and flow, but mostly flow.

The people receiving contracts are clearly all upstanding professionals with longstanding involvement in the health and social care sector.

And the latest round of PPE awards show that it’s getting increasingly difficult for cabinet ministers to hand out contracts.

“We’ve been having special memory and recall training with experts at retrieving early life memories,” a spokesman for Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock told LCD Views.

“After the guy that sold Matt a beer once got a contract worth hundreds of millions of pounds, he was starting to draw blanks and his Whatsapp wasn’t offering up any new answers to the troubling question of who to award a contract to next.”

That’s where the memory training came in.

“Matt followed the training. He sat smeared in butter in the middle of a field of clover, folded his hands into his lap, closed his eyes and began to hum. He held an image in his mind palace of PPE supplies and a question mark. It wasn’t long before Roger Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester came to mind. Although not Roger the burly manufacturer of plastic ring pulls of today, but little Roger who Matt once shared a packet of crisps with.”

We haven’t been able to talk directly to Mr Fettle-Fitz Bottom Pile-on Spots Fester for comment. This is difficult as he’s invented, as is this entire article. But we have smeared ourselves in butter, sat in a field of clover, and held our hands in the shape of a telescope to see the future.

And there is Roger now, busily phoning estate agents to sell his 1930’s semi-detached in Winslow and exchange it for a 17th century Georgian Manor House, with attached stables, in deepest Herts.

“People don’t realise that the kindnesses they show in childhood can come back to reward them much later in life,” the aide added, “it’s incredibly Dickensian. In fact, so is the entire Boris Johnson government.”

THREE WORD INNOCULATION : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘ORRIGHT’ JOHNSON, is stepping up to front the charge across the sodden moor of Covid.

With a plethora of vaccines due in the new year concerns in 10 Downing Street are centring around how to convince enough people to take the vaccine and get back to work.

“We’re considering a range of options,” a Department of Health insider told LCD Views, “clearly we’re going to have to pay millions to Tory linked PR firms to convince people to save their granny’s life. It’s a tough nut to crack. But we’ve got the nutcrackers in hand.”

One of the key planks will of course be public information campaigns.

“That’s where Wetherspoons comes in,” the insider goes on, “we are considering a free Covid vaccine with every pint and microwave curry at one of Tim’s famous health spas. But also it will be important to have a mascot the entire nation can get behind.”

The mascot will need to be someone with a flair for entertainment and an endless love of dressing up. Ability to do anything else but distract a desperate population isn’t required.

“The PM is thus the natural selection,” the insider winks, “we’re going to dress him up as a needle and he can tour the country, alongside Professor of Bullshit Tim Martin, promoting vaccine use.”

But critics have suggested the campaign may do more harm than good.

“So? That’s what Boris does.”

There will of course be a catchy slogan to be printed on banners and badges surrounding Boris.

“The Big Prick! Is currently favourite. As it’s seen to be the most apt. But Get The Prick will perhaps be more 2021.”

QUIDS IN : Comforting news for Global Britons looking at 2021 with a wary eye on the public finances today with the confirmation that the last remaining pound has been placed under armed guard.

“Shortly before 5am this morning specially trained officers arrived to take the last pound of taxpayer cash into protective custody,” our economics correspondent reports, “securing the squid in an air tight, titanium box secured with biogenic locks that have to be operated in unison by both guards simultaneously. The last pound has been moved to a secure location where it is hoped that, in time, it will reproduce parthenogenetically.”

The motivation for the move is thought to have come from the wide scale raid on the public finances, under the cover of Covid-19, finally, at last, Jesus wept, my brain hurts, getting broad media coverage.

“Our officers will guard the last remaining pound of UK public money until such time as we deem it is safe to return it to the wild,” a spokesman for the security detail told a press conference, “it’s highly likely if it is sighted by any member of the Conservative parliamentary party that it will find itself cut to shreds and distributed throughout an old boys style network of currency traffickers. We must not let this happen. MPs will need another payrise next year. And with the expected hit to the public purse from both a mismanaged pandemic, and the insanity of Brexit, this pound will become only more precious.”

But a source inside the government simply shrugged and said, “We know where the magic money tree is when we want to find it. Have you set up a company last week and stuck five pounds in it? You could be entitled to a PPE contract.”

STAY ALERT : THE METROPOLITAN POLICE HAVE ISSUED A NATIONAL ALERT TODAY AFTER THE FICTIONAL REPRESENTATION OF MARGARET THATHCER escaped from Netflix drama “The Crown.”

It’s believed the “event” occurred as a result of too many people watching the episodes featuring the deceased British prime minister at the same time as “the gatekeeper made contact with the keymaster”.

The production company behind the show denies any accountability and a spokesman said earlier “we followed the rules as laid down by The Vatican regarding representations of SHE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED to the letter. This is not our fault.”

Whether or not all the stipulations of the Holy Roman Church were followed will have to be determined after the resurrected Mrs Thatcher has been apprehended and returned to the netherworld.

“We would ask the public to be very wary,” a police spokesman told a hastily convened press conference, “any councils that still have a stock of public housing are warned to guard the properties closely, lest they ultimately end up in the property portfolio of a Tory MP, without any replacement in stock. Likewise children drinking milk at schools are to be placed under armed guard until Mrs Thatcher has been safely apprehended.”

But perhaps the individual most at risk is of course Boris Johnson.

“Compared to the shambolic clusterfuck of impulses currently governing the UK with complete disregard for public welfare, principle, accountability, competence, foresight or hair combing, Mrs Thatcher is a paramount of public service. And that’s considering the harm she wrought! We are doubling our guard over Mr Johnson and he will remain in the fridge until it is safe for him to re-emerge.”

The public is also warned that if any family members start randomly saying ghastly early neoliberal bollocks like “there is no such thing as society”, they are to call the emergency services immediately and run screaming for their lives. It must be assumed that the person concerned has been in contact with “she who cannot be named” and is infectious.

KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSE : FIRST MINISTER OF SCOTLAND, NICOLA STURGEON, HAS PULLED A BLINDER TODAY and invited outgoing Prime Minister of England Boris Johnson to Scotland.

The surprising move is said to be part of an overall strategy ahead of next year’s elections for the Scottish Parliament.

“You should never look a gift horse in the mouth,” a spokesman for the First Minister told LCD Views, “and there’s no greater gift horse to the cause of Scottish Independence than Boris Johnson.”

The tour will take in the length and breadth of Scotland, with Mr Johnson booked to talk in cities, towns, villages and even isolated crofts.

“We want Mr Johnson’s message to be heard loud and clear before next year’s election. Given the pivotal nature of the election, coming just months after the tangible benefits of Brexit are really felt in Scotland, we think it only fair to give Mr Johnson a chance to capitalise on his achievements at the ballot box.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson will accept the offer isn’t clear.

“We are having a special train built for him,” the spokesman continued, “with an airtight, but well ventilated fridge compartment. And inside the compartment is a sensory deprivation tank. Mr Johnson will feel like he’s at home for the entire time.”

But some are suggesting the invitation is actually a cunning trick to lure Mr Johnson into talking, and drive the cause of Scottish independence to fulfilment.

“Now that’s just crazy,” the spokesman replied, “a great orator like Mr Johnson will have no trouble swaying any Scottish voter on the fence over independence into making an immediate decision.”

BRITAIN’S VERY OWN KATYUSHA LAUNCHED INTO ITS FACE : DOWNING STREET ARE IN DENIAL MODE TODAY, so not much different to the manner of government of any day post 23/06/16 (and maybe before then too).

As news broke this morning that what has been (provisionally) identified as a Russian submarine surfacing BRIEFLY off DOVER, Downing Street was denying it had any knowledge of the vessel, almost as soon as it was sighted.

While Tory MPs with military backgrounds were busy fizzing over how the lapse in national security could have occurred, seemingly oblivious to the cuts they’d been part of making to the armed services for a decade, Downing Street’s spokesperson was already out of the blocks.

“We know nothing about the alleged appearance of the Russian submarine in the Thames, near to Westminster bridge in half an hour,” the spokesperson said, “it is definitely not here to collect to Dominic Cummings, his work complete.”

But while everything Downing Street says must be taken at face value, some are querying the veracity of this statement.

“The Russian Parliament, or Duma, has already published its list of recipients for The Hero of the Russian Federation medals for 2020 and there’s a certain chap from Yorkshire on it, his famous shoulder chip well weaponised. That’s if we got it right when using Google translate. So it does make one think.”

Others are turning to Mr Cummings’ own writings to find evidence of his involvement, before giving up in despair at how such a prize arsehat could have been allowed to have so much influence over the UK for so long.

DOMOLYPTCO : They say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but they don’t say that about blog svengali Dominic Cummings.

“He maybe leaving 10 Downing Street the moment the Brexit whirlwind hits, entirely as predicted by anyone with half a brain cell, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be idle,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“And it won’t just be editing old blogs to predict that Remainers would sabotage his glorious bird of Brexit, each flap of its wings in 2021, he’s got a new job already lined up.”

And the new job appears to be that of a religious functionary. A high priest. A zealot capable of excluding all contradictory evidence from their eyes.

“They say do the work you love and now that Dom has finished dismantling the modern state, and set the UK on course to disintegrate, he’s going to reward himself by making vocation and vacation one entity.”

The actual job is believed to be that of “Mayan Priest Overseeing a Good Harvest” and is described as a “post for someone who relishes human misery, but is always mindful of the need to ensure next year’s crops are plentiful.”

The work will involve a variety of costume changes and moments of high public exposure, which will suit Dom down to the ground.

“Not to mention the screams of the mere mortals as he raises the obsidian blade over their chests.”

Yes, not to mention that.

But why, after all he’s done over the last few years, why doesn’t Dom just have a good ol’ rest and enjoy the smell of cinders, and the ashes of Brexit?

“There is no rest for the wicked,” the source explains, “I thought that was obvious?”

SWIMMING IN TREASON : INTERNATIONAL MAN OF THE SEA JOHN REDWOOD, ALSO APPARENTLY AN MP AND NOT JUST AN APPARITION, HAS FIRED A SHOT OVER THE BOWS OF THE TRAITOROUS AND FISHY JOHN MAJOR.

The reason for the furore appears to be the former prime minister’s nearly treasonous view of the powers of the mighty British state, as concerns fish.

“I advise Mr Major to read the Magna Carta,” Redwood is believed to have tweeted, while he was warming up to write (in running writing) to Mr Major, “in particular Clause 7.1b-34 part 3, which specifically details how any fish in British waters belong to Britain in perpetuity.”

The apparent lack of understanding of the founding text of British suffrage by Mr Major may well explain his failure to grasp the extent of contemporary power of Brexit Britain.

“One has to wonder what an Englishman is for,” Mr Redwood is understood to have began his actual letter to John Major, “if it is not about vigorously controlling fish. Be they cod, plaice, sole or halibut.”

The letter is reckoned to go on for several pages before reaching its tumescent climax.

“I have no other recourse but to accuse you of not wanting to control British fish. I expect you to present yourself at a re-education camp forthwith, with toothbrush and jimjams, and prepare for a lengthy stay. I also demote you from John Major to John Corporal, so others may learn from your grievous error.”

Mr Redwood then went on to write a letter of warning to President Elect Joe Biden. And there had never been a greater waste of paper.

WHAT WHO ME : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON IS FACING FRESH strife TODAY as Tory Party MPs demand access to their Twitter accounts.

Shortly after lunch time GMT, as news broke that President Elect Joe Biden and Vice President Elect Kamala Harris had taken the lead in Pennsylvania, feverish MPs began to gather outside 10 Downing Street. And usually, it wasn’t Covid-19 that had them hot under the collar today.

Social distancing rules were tossed aside as the gaggle of frantic meat puppets banged limply with lettuce fists on the famous black door to No 10.

“Is the password MAGA2020?”

and,

“Is my password OvenReadyIdiot?”

MPs were heard shouting, but they received no answer from inside.

“More fool them,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “thinking that Boris would actually be inside. He’s in a grace and favour property, or Tuscany. Or on a date. Anywhere that says holiday and nowhere that says work.”

But fools or not, worried MPs they are. As it’s unlikely they’ll be winning hearts and minds across the pond with the faecal stained timelines that have their mugs above them.

“So what if their timelines after littered with alt-right propaganda targeted at Joe Biden? It’s not their accounts. We can put what we want out in their name. Hell, one or two of them even do it for themselves. The ones we really trust. The exceptionally stupid.”

Whether or not the MPs will be successful in giving their social media accounts a fast colonic isn’t yet clear, but they want to hurry up, as the defeat of Donald Trump spells bad news for the trans-Atlantic, neofeudalist, kleptocratic network.

“Dominic Cummings will keep posting on their timelines whatever he likes,” the source added, “if he’s going down they’re all coming with him.”