Category: Really fake news

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE SCREENSAVER : DOWNING STREET HAVE PLEDGED TO LEAVE NO SPACE BAR UNPRESSED as a new mystery contorts the country.

“It’s a welcome distraction to be honest,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “As long as people are talking about the laptops being handed out by Tory donors to poor kids, no one is talking about the frankly horrifying death toll from mismanaging the pandemic.”

And talking about the laptops people are. Especially educators.

“It was a nice initial effort to have many of the laptops being given to our country’s future chimney sweeps to be missing sound cards,” the source grinned. “But the screensavers of a shirtless Putin on a horse? OMG. Jackpot. I personally would have gone for him fishing shirtless, but that’s just because I can’t wait to get out of lockdown and go fishing shirtless.”

While some are suggesting that the screensavers are a result of the laptops being riddled with Russian developed computer viruses, our source has a more down to earth explanation.

“It’s intentional. A living and breathing dead cat. We employed dozens of SPADS over last weekend to take this idea from just a scribble on a chalkboard to a proper scandal. I think it was actually an idea leftover from Dom’s time at Downing Street. The idea blackboard doesn’t get used much anymore.”

The SPADS concerned are thought to have photocopied thousands of images of the Russian leader and blu-tac’d them to the laptops screens. Then the laptops were delivered to schools.

“The pictures had to be stuck to the screens, because the supplier pulled all the laptops out of a skip behind a medical waste facility. Really lucky find. Increased the profit margin considerably.”

THERE HAVE BEEN 300,034 974,000 TESTS : There’s a new top search in the United Kingdom this weekend, bumping “How the f*ck does Boris Johnson still have a job?” off the number one slot.

The new number one is “How the f*ck does Priti Patel still have a job?”, which by pushing Johnson into second place has pushed “How the f*ck does Gavin Williamson still have a job?” into third.

“How the f*ck does Robert Jenrick still have a job? is now number four as a result,” our search engine analyst reports, “with ‘What does Liz Truss even do all day?’ stable at five.”

The change in the rankings appears to be a result of all the exposure Ms Patel has received this week, as she took on the media and continued her war against the better angels of our nature.

“You would have thought she would have been driven out of the Conservative Party back when Theresa May fired her for running her own foreign policy agenda, but not so.”

How long Ms Patel will hold onto the Number One is not certain, as Matt Hancock and Nadhim Zahawi are thought to be running on a joint ticket, aimed at moving fast up the league table.

“If Matt and Nadhim can continue to dissemble and confuse the nation with the vaccine roll out they may well share the crown together soon.”

Ms Patel won’t let go of Number One easily though, she’s got refugees to house in damp camps by the sea and a flair for words, and numbers, that will see people scratching their heads as long as she remains in post.

We did ask Ms Patel for comment on her achievement but all she said was “Exterminate. Exterminate.”

HARD TARGET : World famous human bloodhound Dido Harding is facing her greatest challenge yet today after being tasked with tracking down notorious Home Secretary Priti Patel.

“With the skills Dido Harding has displayed supplanting the pointless public health experts in the job of pandemic contract tracing, finding Ms Patel should be a cinch,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “It will be cheap too. It’s anticipated that she will only need to transfer an additional £22 billion to private contractors to help in the search.”

And the search is weighed down with even greater urgency as not only has Ms Patel gone missing from the House of Commons, but so too 400,000 criminal records.

“No one is suggesting that the disappearance of Ms Patel from scrutiny in the Mother of Parliaments and the fact potentially dozens of Tory MPs and their donors are now resting easy is in anyway connected.”

Whether or not Ms Patel wants to be found is also an important known unknown.

“If Dido is smart she’ll organise a sting to flush Ms Patel out of hiding. I would think a mock graduation of asylum seekers as anti-terror police will bring Patel flying out of the woodwork. Those are two things she is dead against. I think three hundred thousand, thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand graduating will do it. It’s a magic number in Patel’s numberverse.”

And finding that many asylum seekers should be no problem for Harding at all.

“There’s sufficient people locked up in cold camps down in Kent. Just hearing the rusty gate creak open should bring Patel out of concealment in a frenzy. And maybe the criminal files can be found after.”

CARRY ON SMIRKIN’ : Home Office supremo Priti Patel has reportedly come up with a solution to the embarrassing loss of 400,000 criminal records by her department.

It was feared that the irrepressible Home Secretary could be in a spot of bother, having been responsible for the potential ruining of masses of trials, but she’s too nimble for that.

“Crisis is opportunity,” a Home Office source told LCD Views, “which is exactly what you expect with an ongoing disaster capitalist government.”

And it seems the loss of the records, which is in no way deliberate, is just the chance Ms Patel was seeking.

“She’s going to give everyone in the United Kingdom a criminal record,” the source continues, “that will make up for the loss of the records. Excepting Tory MPs of course, as they’re perpetually immune from any consequence.”

And there’s an added benefit to the criminalising of the entire U.K. population.

“It will mean all foreign born U.K. residents will now be criminals and thus immediately deported. It’s basically perfect. Ms Patel just can’t wipe the smirk off her face.”

It will also mean that all opposition politicians and activists will be criminals, which will accelerate aspects of the Brexit project.

“Losing the records isn’t an accident, it’s a masterpiece of policy formulation.”

And it has apparently lead to a whole new slogan for the Home Office.

Priti Patel – tough on crime, tough on the records of crime.

HATEKINS GONNA HATE : INVIGORATING NEWS FOR BOTH FAUX PATRIOTS AND OUTRAGE MERCHANTS TODAY, as the Conservative Party takes a bold step in the same direction.

“We are delighted to announce that global superstar Katie Hopkins is to assume the leadership of our party,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The news will come as a shock for many though, who had anticipated Ms Hopkins taking on the mantle of joint leader of Nigel Farage’s new party. But it seems Mr Farage doesn’t need any help shouting at small boats, and ruining the fishing industry.

Further speculation that Ms Hopkins was to accept the job of creative director for Parler is clearly also incorrect, as Parler has ceased to be.

“Ms Hopkins brings a wealth of experience in establishing false narratives in the public domain and will build on the work of her predecessor Boris Johnson.”

Earlier media reports had suggested that Ms Hopkins was to become leader of UKIP, the first in ten leaders expected this year alone, but they appear to have been fake news.

“I will correct you there,” the Downing Street source admonished, “UKIP is the policy engine of the Conservative Party, and given their support of Brexit, a bafflingly sizeable chunk of the official opposition’s policy bandwidth. So to assume the leadership of UKIP is to assume the leadership of the Tories and the country.”

GO ON GODIVA : World beating 18th century parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg has a habit of making a spectacle of himself. And not just with random googled Latin.

All can recall the scintillating turn of phrase he used to describe the booming food bank industry – “quite uplifting”.

And no one can forget what he said regarding the victims of the Grenfell fire disaster, saying they lacked common sense. It was as if he had ripped the sacred bleeding heart from a painting of the Virgin Mother herself and smeared it across his face.

Today too he has taken the headlines with some compassionate and well considered words regarding the death of the British fishing industry via Brexit. The political disaster capitalist project he has championed.

But like any tit on a prize bull he is not stopping now. And not today of all days, as the U.K. topped the world tables in the Covid-19 death stats per 100,000.

It’ll take a world beating performance to distract from that. We reckon he can though. We reckon he’s got what it takes.

“It’s why he will be running down Pall Mall tomorrow stark raving naked,” an aide to the haunted pencil told LCD Views, “whether or not manny will be giving chase? You’ll have to tune in to find out.”

THE THREE AMOEBAS : Tangible benefits can be gained in public health crises by prominent individuals strictly adhering to the rules.

In Brexit Britain rules are for fools, which in part explains why the governing class are so terrible at following them. Rules have consequences. But consequences are only for the hoi polloi.

To make amends to what is now a mass deadly situation three of the most prominent CV-19 rule breakers are to atone for their sins in public.

Starting on Monday Dominic Cummings, Stanley Johnson and Cardinal Mogg will go on public display throughout England and apologise for the harm they’ve wrought on health messaging.

“Sometimes they will act as a trio and other times independently,” a member of the organising committee told LCD Views, “but at all times their message will be clear and concise.”

Cardinal Mogg is expected to kick off the campaign by dining on humble pie outside Traitor’s Gate at the Tower of London. The meal timed for low water so he doesn’t float away.

“Next up will be Stanley Johnson who will demonstrate how to wear a mask outside an underground station, much in the manner of an air stewardess before take off.”

When that is done he will go to the nearest supermarket and stand at the door to ensure customers entering are masked up, and not for a ball!

But the showstopper will be Dominic Cummings who will crawl from Islington to Barnard Castle in a hair shirt.

“He will ask the public to forgive him, even as the blood trails behind his shredded knees,” the organiser says, “and pull at his hair and rend his chest. It’s not possible to atone for the damage he did to public health messaging, ably assisted by the PM, but he wants to try.”

CONTROL OUR FISH : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON ISN’T HAVING THE BEST YEAR, AND WE ALL FEEL VERY SORRY FOR HIM.

But there is some good news amongst the entirely unavoidable calamities of Brexit, Covid-19 and losing his best mate Donald across the pond.

Today a major environmental group have announced that Mr Johnson is in line to scoop one of their major gongs in 2021.

PysBrishFish, which campaigns for the sustainable use of the seas around the UK, have pegged the PM as a winner. With the runner-ups likely to be Michael Gove and none other than the fishermen’s friend himself John Redwood.

“At the stroke of midnight on the 1st of January 2021 Mr Johnson embarked on one of the most ambitious marine conservation strategies of the modern era,” a representative of PysBrishFish told LCD Views, “he had to be incredibly sneaky to pull it off, but he did. The masterstroke of convincing the UK fishing industry as a collective to act as the poster child of its own destruction was truly a work of political genius.”

But while the plaudits are focused on Boris Johnson successfully pulling the UK out of the EU single market and customs union, not everyone is happy. Nigel Farage is said to be livid, having personally done so much to damage the fishing industry, while pretending to be doing the opposite.

“Nigel did his part. But seriously, he’s under investigation by the FBI, so we worry about being tainted by association. Let’s focus on Boris. With that one act of Brexit he has guaranteed the immediate destruction of large swathes of the British fishing industry,” PysBrishFish notes, “we expect to see the stocks of British fish boom this year. And we’ve Mr Johnson to thank for it.”

VIRAL DIVERSIONS : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER IS TO OFFER sound reassurance, and opportunity, to the tireless parents of this once great nation this evening, even as he ruins their children’s education.

“Some have said the government should have prepared the state sector to go digital long ago, properly financed, resourced and staffed the education system. But then, what would be the point of Gavin Williamson?” the PM will say, before laughing maniacally.

“He’s there to ensure the poor oiks stay in their place. No. No. Let us not worry about their extended festive holidays. Let us encourage them to play.”

And play a plenty it appears is what’s on the order paper, as the PM is to announce an exception to the order closing adventure parks and playgrounds across the land.

“Jurassic Park will stay open!” Mr Johnson will exult, “and parents who don’t know what to do with their children are encouraged to take them there for a day out. Schools may have turned in the 24 hours since I was last on Marr from the safest nurseries in the land to dangerous pits of disease, but the famous dinosaur fun park will stay open! It is perfectly safe for you and your children there.”

Although there was one note of caution.

“Probably best to leave the grandparents at home though, as they can’t run very fast,” he will advise, “but for everyone else the velociraptors will ensure there is plenty of social distancing.”

Go Out. Protect Yourselves. Happy Hunting!

TAKE THAT EU : Amazing news for freedom loving, patriotic, Global Britons today with the announcement of sweeping changes happening across the U.K., thanks to Brexit.

And it’s not all just catch up to things Germany and France have already done, curiously before the U.K. completed Brexit.

The latest big announcement today is a change to the country’s symbols. With the UK’s coats of arms seeing amazing changes. Not just the Royal Ones, all the useless ones too.

“From midnight today, GMT time, a VAT Free Tampon will be added to all coats of arms,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “bit of a scoop for you to hear it all first. Don’t leak it. But when you do say a Downing Street source told you.”

But if something is being added something else maybe coming away?

“Yes. The lion is out. Because that’s a bit bloody French. So the tampon will take its place. A great British invention, completed just the time for Brexit. Take that EU!”

And to ensure that the EU really can’t miss this dramatic symbol of UK’s new status as a sovereign equal, the PM himself is involved.

“Tomorrow BoRiS Johnson will dress as a patriotic, Union Jack coloured tampon and roar at France from the White Cliffs of Dover. Being sure not to get run over by an earthmover obviously. We don’t want his eminence lying down in front of one!”

And for sticklers to tradition there is reassurance it’s not all change. The Unicorn is staying.”

“As nothing better symbolises Brexit than a fantasy animal with a horn on its head.”