Category: Really fake news

UP, UP AND AWAY : GREAT NEWS for the governing ToryKip party of the United Kingdom today with the latest polling figures.

It seems a latest poll by NoGov has Mr Johnson’s political wrecking ball at its highest ever polling of 110%. The hitting of the classic sporting percentage is a first for any UK government and displays just how much of a taste the great British public have for a steaming kakistocracy.

“There’s literally nothing he can do to get the polling lower,” a source inside 10 Downing Street told LCD Views. “It’s getting embarrassing frankly. You want a sense of struggle and success. But this is just a cakewalk.”

It’s believed the PM will celebrate the polling numbers with a champagne lunch, although critics say that’s just “business as usual” and he could hold a press conference instead.

“Do it under the guise of a pandemic update and then just electioneer,” the source advises, “as that would be classic Boris. Abusing his position for personal advancement. It’s what the people voted for.”

The sky high poll numbers do also help make sense of why Mr Johnson’s former advisor, Gollum, is currently daily in the papers attempting to tear Mr Johnson to pieces.

“What better time for Mr Gove to pretend to unwillingly take on the mantle of leadership than now? He’s been away in Israel on mysterious business for a month. But now it all makes sense.”

People opposed to the government are also celebrating, as it’s another chance for infighting rather than joining in common cause.

“Everyone should look forward to Gove as Prime Minister, even if he is rather unlikely to do anything other than topple Johnson. There’s only one person more disliked in the UK than Gove, and that’s his doppelganger.”

A TISSUE A TISSUE : The Met has responded to criticism over the decision to allow a viral march to go ahead through central London yesterday, in spite of the gross idiocy, insensitivity and public danger of the mass activity.

Speaking directly to LCD Views an entirely fictional source inside the department gave valid reasons for not intervening early.

”It’s not like it was a group solely composed of the greatest threat to civilisation as we know it,” the source said. “It’s not like it was a group of predominately young women, some of who maybe holding small placards protesting against police brutality and the risk of violence to women by men overall. It was a very diverse selection of people who watch YouTube. That’s a different matter entirely.”

What the Home Secretary thinks of the lax policing isn’t clear, presumably because she doesn’t give a shit unless the protestors are progressives.

There is of course additional compelling reasons why the police did not nip out the infectious march early, while it was still in bud.

“There was no danger to the Winston Churchill statue. Therefore British history was safe. So the march was safe,” the source says. “And anyway, every single available officer was guarding said statue. Which in Boris Johnson’s Britain is all that matters.”

A tissue, a tissue, we won’t all fall down, but thanks to the freedom of Covidiots to roam around protesting their lack of freedom to roam around, more of us will than had to.

MODEL BEHAVIOUR : The UK’s favourite and most photogenic Chancellor ever, Rishi Sunak, has been missing for a few weeks now leading to speculation he has something to hide. We’re happy to reveal it’s for a much more positive purpose.

“He’s been in the studio working on a calendar,” a source inside 11 Downing Street tells LCD Views. “A swimsuit calendar to be precise. He designed the budgie smugglers himself. Special editions that allow you to text with former prime ministers while you stand heroically on the beach being admired for being just so dishy!”

But it’s not just the smugglers that are set to wow the public, even if continuously lax customs procedures for imports post Brexit means it’s a boom time for them.

“He’s also handstitched his own mankini. Eat your heart out Borat!”

The proceeds from the sale of the calendars will go towards a charity of the Chancellor’s choosing, believed to be one focused on restoring the Conservative Party’s credibility. A lot of money is needed.

“Everyone will have one of these Rishi’s hanging on their wall. I suspect he will go global, just like the Kent variant. When you consider his outstanding work with Eat Out To Help Out, it’s only fair. Not to mention the hundreds of millions that were found to help out old colleagues and friends. Really stellar work.”

The calendars won’t just be available online either, they’ll be in all high street newsagents, able to purchased at a discount with copies of the Spectator. That’s for the first week, after that they’ll be retailing at 99p each in Poundstores. Everyone will have their chance!

“You think he’s missing because of the Greensill scandal? Don’t be silly. He’s just getting his hair done. He’ll be photographed looking immaculate on your kitchen wall before long. Which will look a damn sight better than his somewhat shop soiled reputation.”

Rishi? Where would the pandemic have been without his widely reported intervention to delay the second national lockdown last September?

The calendar will be limited in months though, only featuring June to August this year, as “that’s about the time left for his political career.”

THE FREE LUNCH : The UK’s tireless pub bore, and also prime minister, Boris Johnson is rumoured to have agreed a world beating deal with offshore billionaire James Dyson.

The deal is rumoured to be statuesque and will see the tired old, troublemaking statue of Winston Churchill replaced with one of Mr Dyson.

“The new Dyson statue will be made of plastic, just like his vacuum cleaners and his patriotism,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

The statue will be manufactured by Mr Dyson personally using British taxpayer funds and will come with a sizeable tax deduction upon completion.

Mr Johnson is said to have been thrilled when approached by Mr Dyson with the offer as he believes it “best symbolises the modern British, self-professed patriot”. It will be an example to all.

The payoff for Mr Johnson is not only the opportunity to attach himself to Mr Dyson’s reputation, but there’s something else in the bargain.

“James has promised Boris he will develop him a special edition Boris Johnson Vacuum Cleaner, which will definitely not suck. Also potentially a new Johnson hot air blade, to really blow those viral particles all over the place. A fitting tribute to his work in the pandemic.”

Mr Johnson is expected to gift the vacuum cleaner to either his mistress, his estranged wife, his fiancé or that new bit of hot totty he has his eyes on. Whatever seems funniest after smashing through a crate of claret.

The Dyson statue will also be a re-design of the boring old statue format.

“It’ll just be his head. Massive. Full of self-importance and blown completely out of proportion to his contribution to modern British life.”

BATHING IN GLORY : UK PM BORIS JOHNSON has a well deserved reputation as a political opportunist and he’s in his stride today, as with all days.

“He’s hiring that boozy, mouthy, ill informed but exceptionally confident Bath publican to head up the Downing Street pandemic response unit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He believes it will totally own the libs. They’ll be so gobsmacked they won’t notice the next bag fulls of billions handed out the back door to chums. And he can also double up as a Johnson body double. It’s a complete win.”

The move is seen as a “lightning rod” moment in Mr Johnson’s efforts to curb the killer virus, which got totally out of control several times, to the mystery of everyone. Even Mr Johnson.

“Hiring Rod Humphris will continue the tradition of having ageing men whose classic surname is spelt unusually playing key parts in UK life. It’s likely he’ll end up as a Today presenter on Radio 4 when he’s done. Neatly filling the shoes of the now retired John “‘BUT THE PEOPLE HAVE DECIDED’ Humprhys.”

The decision to hire Mr Humphris is believed to be supported by Tim Martin and other people who don’t understand anything at all about viruses.

“We can expect a quick and accelerated end to lockdowns and the vaccine programme to get a significant boost, as most vaccines will be replaced by specials on local ales.”

What Mr Starmer is making of the move isn’t clear.

“Mr Johnson has the brightest and the best in his cabinet. Adding Mr Humphris as a SPAD can only improve governance. And once he’s swapped mobile numbers with Matt Hancock and texted him a smiley face emoji he’ll be exceptionally well rewarded for his efforts.”

SCURRYING INTO THE DARK PLACES : ALARM ON DOWNING STREET this morning after reports that the best chancellor ever, Risky Rishi Sunak, has gone missing.

“The search for the Chancellor is complicated by the inaccurate reports over his nickname,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“He is referred to as Dishy Rishi, mostly because he bothers to comb his hair, as opposed to the PM. Oh, and also because he was born with just so much money. But. His actual nickname is Risky Rishi. This is in honour of his work delaying lockdowns. What’s the cost of that? Who’s counting? No one knows the location of those answers either.”

Additionally, no one also knows why the Chancellor seems unable to grasp the binding link between health of a population and the economy. It is hoped once he is located it can be explained fully to him.

“First things first. First we have to find him!”

Posters are being run up featuring some of Sunak’s candid portraits, but people are warned not to approach him if they spot him.

“He’s potentially dangerous. We’re not sure why he has gone missing. He could be on the run from some minor scandal relating to David Cameron. Tory MPs have been hiding in dark places since 2010 whenever the spotlight lands on them. Scurry off and hide! He could just be behaving in the standard way to avoid scrutiny. But it could be something else entirely.”

The something else appears to refer to reports Mr Sunak went missing while searching for Mr Gove, who is also missing.

“We don’t know if he found Gove. But it may explain his disappearance. He’ll be either tied to a table as the source of power for some ghastly power ritual by now, or also wearing the fetid cloth of a priest of evil powers and working with Gove to trigger the end times. Some say it’s best we never find out either way.”

YOU CAN CALL ME DAVE : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LIVING EX-PRIME MINISTER OF THE 2010’S, DAVID CAMERON, HAS GIVEN AN INSIGHT INTO HIS SECRET INNER WORLD.

Talking to the press from the steps of his Shepherd’s Hut Shed the man they call Dave answered questions that were often surprisingly personal.

“What do you do in the shed all day Dave?” one starry eyed hack asked, sat on the grass and gazing up as if attending a sermon on the mount.

“I write my memoirs and consider my legacy,” Mr Cameron replied, looking thoughtfully into the distance. “I often wonder if I could have done more in the field of political corruption when I was in office. Did I miss an opportunity? Then I’ll fire off a few Whatsapp’s with my latest thoughts.”

But it was when the questions turned to chillaxing that Mr Cameron gave one of the more touching insights.

“I like to watch television. I like quiz and game shows especially. Who Wants To Be A Millionaire is a favourite. Although I always shout BILLIONAIRE over the millionaire bit. I was a millionaire just by accident of birth.”

He laughed. The assembled courtiers, I mean, journalists laughed.

What is your favourite lifeline? A key question. The public want to know. Luckily this was asked.

“Why phone a friend of course. Although often that is more like work than pleasure for me. Most recently I’ve been phoning Rishi to try and get him to help out another friend. Some days I spend more time on the phone than I do wandering the halls of my mansion wondering what to do with myself. It’s all quite taxing.”

Quite taxing? Not something modern Conservatives worry about, as a rule.

But you have to wonder as Dave lets the light in to the dazzling, secret life of a former PM, how many friends will be phoning Dave…

HANCOCK AND HANCOCK LTD : The UK’s world beating Secretary of State for Health Matt Hancock is said to be “taking his time to come to terms” with his sister over a lucrative NHS contract.

The measured approached is mostly counted in bags of gold, but also due to the shock discovery by Mr Hancock that his latest business partner is his sibling.

“I’m bowled over,” Mr Hancock is reported to have told colleagues. “I wonder who else I’ve been giving multi-million pound pandemic contracts to unaware we’re related?”

The surprising discovery is said to be rapidly healing the deep felt sadness Mr Hancock has always “carried since I was an infant” at the belief he was an only child. Apparently his parents constructed an elaborate maze in the family home which was supposed to entertain their offspring on rainy days, but resulted in none of them ever meeting face to face.

“From time to time I’d hear a girl singing,” Mr Hancock is said to have said. “I just assumed it was a songbird. Now I know it’s my sister. I must have unconsciously given her the contracts unaware I also had substantial holdings in the company involved. It’s amazing what your subconscious gets up to.”

Clearly there is no evidence of wrongdoing in any of this on any level.

“I want the public to have full confidence in the process used to dish out instant wealth during this surprisingly endless crisis,” Mr Hancock is preparing to tell the country. “For this reason I still be appointing my sister to chair an inquiry into our dealings. She’s as stunned as I am.”

Such a revelation will be hard to move on from quickly, but we’re sure an attempt will be made.

BELCHY BAD SANTA : The United Kingdom’s greatest patriot, and runner up in the 2021 “Publican of the Blergh Awards”, Tim Martin is not taking the plummeting profits at his pubs lying down.

It is currently a baffling sub-theme of the post-Brexit landscape how a man of the standing of Tim Martin, who intentionally decided to piss off half the U.K. population, should see his profits in decline. The plague hasn’t helped, but not having the overwhelming backing of the country’s drinkers may not help any recovery.

He has though fought the downward curve tooth and nail. Firstly by demanding people come in and maybe catch a potentially lethal virus so he continue to amass his fortune. And no, we’re not talking Brexititis, although that risk is also ever present in his pubs.

He has lobbied the government to not lockdown, maybe in the hope that a collapsed health service would see a lot of thirsty nurses willing to risk any environment for a cheap double after work?

That didn’t work either. So now the latest swing at fate.

“We’re personalising our beer mats with the names of traitors,” a source claiming to work for ‘Spoons told LCD Views. “When patriots purchase a pint of lukewarm piss in our pubs now they’ll be able to read the names of local people working for Brussels through the smeary glass.”

The hope is the patron will get hammered and go around to the home of anyone they recognise and politely chastise them to go into Wetherspoons and find Mr Martin’s mind palace.

”And if that doesn’t work he’s going to hire David Cameron as a lobbyist and get some funding from the treasury.”

Bottoms up patriots!

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS : The UK’s greatest ever prime minister, DAVID CAMERON, is in the news and it’s not because he’s refurbished the ‘shepherd’s hut shed’ he famously spent the average, annual salary on after cutting and running from office.

The current story revolves around a long running financial deal he cooked up with an old mate, and expected the public to front money for so he could cash in.

How David ‘hug a hoodie’ Cameron and his mate Lex Luthor (maybe Lex Greensill?) decided on such a disastrous series of murky dealings isn’t entirely clear. But we here at LCD Views are always ready to fabricate an alleged explanation.

“They took financial advice from Nigel Farage,” our fintech whizz kid suggests. “It would explain everything. International cooperation. Disastrous public outcomes. Loss of money. Failure of any benefits to materialise. A reputation so tarnished no amount of polish will ever recover it. This deal gone sour has the classic hallmarks of Farage all over it.”

Whether or not the accusation carries any weight is not yet clear. It is probably as lightweight as Mr Cameron himself.

“We should clap for him,” our expert suggests. “We all know that’s what people need instead of cash. Claps. I’ll do one right now for free.”

Hopefully for Dave the chumocracy will encircle him and he’ll find himself a safe harbour and a new beginning, as befits a visionary who imposed austerity on the country, ripening the resentments at avoidable injustices to such a temperature for Brexit to happen.

“He could try retraining in cyber? Or as a ballerina?” our expert muses. “It’s a bit rum when you think about it. All he has been trying to do is leverage his contact book for egregious personal profit, as befits a former prime minister.”