Category: Really fake news

CATCH ME IF YOU CAN : The UK’s favourite politician for the 20th consecutive year in a row, Michael Gove, has reportedly been in contact with an infected person while on a jaunt to Portugal to watch the football.

As news of the infection risk broke worried voters immediately set up vigils across the country in the hope of preventing Mr Gove entering their locality.

While under current rules Mr Gove should now self isolate for 10 days, happily the rules have been designed around the lifestyles and business plans of Conservative MPs and their donors, so there’s more holes in UK’s pandemic defences than an industrial sized colander.

Erroneous media reports circulating today state that Mr Gove can utilise a loophole designed for Tory donors which says isolation does not need to occur so long as the individual in question takes a test each day. This is designed to give them time daily to infect other people before they realise they are infected themselves. But for Mr Gove there is a much more appropriate loophole.

“It’s to do with his special biochemistry and physical structure,” a 10 Downing Street aide explained to LCD Views. “Mr Gove’s outward appearance is passably human on less than a passing glance. But that is just skin deep. It’s actually high grade PPE. An artificial human suit worn to conceal his true form.”

The true form is of course shape shifting, face eating, alien reptile, which for some reason voters with a death wish keep returning to office because someone carelessly left a blue rosette on the outer layer.

JUST ONE MORE PUSH : Downing Street is said to have given the green light to plans to have the PM’s mistress turned next ex-wife experience a second miracle birth.

The dramatic and impressive planning is said to have been in the works for sometime and ready to go in response to any significant downward shift in polling.

Last week’s historical testimony from former poll fluffer Dominic Cummings is thought to be behind the decision to stage the miracle birth “ASAP”.

“We’ve already pulled off the revenge wedding, but surprisingly the latest marriage of a serial adulterer who leaves fatherless children in his wake to the woman who decided to become his mistress when his wife at the time was undergoing treatment for cancer hasn’t set the nation’s pulses racing. Which is a surprise.”

The birth will occur at dawn any day now just as soon as “the special effects company engaged on a confidential basis” has rigged the central London Churchill statue to cry tears of blue, red and white at the same time.

The spectacle is thought to further the PM’s aim of eventually becoming a saint after his completely uncynical conversion to the Catholic faith.

“Hopefully we can pull off the trifecta and have a spitfire fly over the moment the miracle occurs. This should see polling secured for months to come, regardless of how many people perish in the next avoidable wave.”

The only sour note appears to be within the parliamentary Tory party itself with dozens of incredibly thick cannon fodder MPs unable to grasp that “green light” means given the go ahead and not the colour of the lighting that will be used during the sound and light spectacle.

“The PM will met with Francois, Bridgen and all the other planks later today to explain the situation. He has not gone work and green. It’s just a turn of phrase. It is hoped after that they will establish a bogus research group and further milk some taxpayer’s money to explore the difference. And no one will discuss the pandemic body count.”

GLOBAL BRITISH VALUES : The Home Office is rumoured to be “on the warpath” and “furious” at the discovery social media companies have not yet provided illegal refugee emojis.

The reluctance of the major social media outfits to provide the desired anti-woke hieroglyphics is thought to be a “repression of freedom of speech” for the Home Secretary and anyone too scared to not follow her orders.

“How is Priti Patel supposed to compete for attention with the simplistic tweets of Brexit superstar Liz Truss without the full range of pictograms appropriate to her work? She loves her work. She’s very passionate about it. This is an unacceptable situation which needs immediate redress or some tech nerd is getting a wedgie and then deported,” a fabricated, leaked internal memo is said to demand.

“Yes there are Union Flag emojis but the supply of those is currently limited as they are produced confidentially on a just in time basis at an EU27 firm.”

Plans to move production to a domestic facility have faltered after the only production site suitable in England was bulldozed to make way for an inland border facility.

There are further rumours that the Home Secretary is pressuring the Exchequer for an increase in budget in order to develop the range of emojis in-house.

“We will find out who to bully and bribe to get the emojis online swiftly. Donald Trump has said they already exist on his platform but no one can find out where that is.”

But there is said to be help coming from the very top of the UK’s government.

“The Prime Minister has dozens of empty wine crates left over from the weekend’s revenge wedding. He has said he will personally make the emojis out of them just as soon as he can get the right coloured paints.”

The need to increase the obvious racism of U.K. Government domestic communications has been made clear in recent days by the dramatic drop in the polling of the Prime Minister.

“Our base need to know we are there for their needs and no one else’s.”

THE FLAG WHO SHAGGED ME : Downing Street is set to announce a special public holiday for Monday next week to celebrate the unveiling of our increased offensive capacity.

The cause of celebration is the unveiling of the UK’s new Eurofighter jets, which are now repainted with so many Union Flags no one could possibly take them seriously as an attack aircraft.

“We need everyone to get the Union Flag bunting out and wave it all at once all together,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This way the fighters will camouflage seamlessly with the landscape below and no enemy will ever be able to spot them with even the most powerful satellites. We can all do our bit. Buses need flags too. And dogs need flag jackets. Basically just flags. Flags. Flags. Because we’re a serious country now, thanks to Brexit.”

But while all our thrilled that the pan European project has been completed successfully the name of the fighters is said to be of serious concern.

“Eurofighter isn’t a great look. It suggests we can achieve things working in partnership with other European countries. Which is wrong. They’re now the enemy.”

Happily the geniuses governing us have a solution.

“We are announcing later today that the Eurofighter is now the Great British Spitfire Mark 2.0. This way nostalgia will blend seamlessly with our new strategy of being so ridiculous that no one will ever take us seriously enough to attack.”

DRESS FOR SUCKESS : The UK’s very own superhero, Matt “Life Saver” Hancock, has announced he has undergone a dramatic makeover to bring his public image into line with his rich, internal fantasy life.

Previously Mr Hancock has been dressed like your average mortal, but now thanks to his inspiring and tireless efforts during the pandemic he’s going to dress how he wants to be seen.

“It doesn’t matter when danger strikes,” Matt will tell the press later today. “It can be at night, it can be in the morning, it can be at lunchtime, it can be early evening, maybe around supper time, or even elevenses, I will be there for you. I won’t be watching Don’s character assassination of me because I’ll be saving lives. The financial lives of party donors mostly. Whether you need a multi-billion pound transfer authorised as part of a dodgy PPE deal. Or maybe you’re a nurse who will just perish if they don’t get a ‘Care’ badge? I will save you. And if you’ve ever bought me a pint I’ll save you the time of WhatsApping me for a PPE contract. Hold fast! I’m on the way.”

The new look is said to be modelled on the classic dress designs favoured by the iconic, life saving superheroes of the last century.

“You will know when you see me swooping passed a care home as fast as I can go that you saw me because my underwear will be worn on top of my trousers from here on. Look up in the sky! Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No! It’s one of the worst mortality rates on earth in the pandemic!”

Critics have been quick to point out though that simply wearing his underwear on top will not bring back the dead.

”When I stand too close to you and invade your personal space like a complete weirdo you won’t be worrying about catching a killer cold. You’ll be looking for a means of escape!”

Up! Up! And away! It’s not just any old cock! It’s Matt Hancock! And yes, that is a sock and he is happy to see you!

DEAD CAT RUNNING : Downbeat faces in 10 Downing Street this morning after the realisation that they’ve thrown the wedding dead cat onto the news cycle table a couple of days early.

The announcement of the future perfect event that Boris Johnson will have married again mid 2022 was planned to have happened this coming Wednesday just as Dom revealed everything about the pandemic bungling that we all already know. Classic.

“Someone leaked the news of the nuptials early,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Or maybe one of the planning notes was thrown out in the trash with some very expensive takeaway boxes? Either way it’s a problem. He may have to call the whole thing off. Which is actually his preference anyway now that his current partner has delivered.”

But there is still some fur to fly because although they announced Mr Johnson intends to wed again, careful reading of the press release shows they haven’t said to who.

“That’s some consolation. We can announce that on Wednesday. He hasn’t decided yet. It’s unlikely to be Carrie as that’s pushing the upper limit of credibility. Maybe Margaret Thatcher? If a spiritualist is prepared to take on the task of contacting her in Hell. Maybe Winston Churchill’s statue to completely own the woke. Maybe some new girl altogether. The suspense is great.”

Critics have suggested that Mr Johnson should marry the fishing industry as he’s already screwed it senseless. Now he “should make an honest industry of it.”

Other voices are urging the self-obsessed, country trashing, viral ripping sociopath to just get it over and done with and finally marry the love of his life. Namely “himself”.

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Touching news about our much-revered Crime Minister, Little Boris Johnson, emerged this week. His mum let it slip on social media that she still sews a name tape into all his clothing.

The network, MaterFamiliaris, has been described as a NetMummies for posh people. Mrs Johnson joined to fill in the empty hours while Stanley was away flouting travel restrictions or boffing his latest blonde filly.

Other famous people’s mothers are on MaterFamiliaris too. For example, Michael Gove’s mum admits to doing all Michael’s laundry, because his wife is ‘too posh to wash’.

MaterFamiliaris is full of the usual mundane threads. Typical topics of conversation include,’My son was expelled from Eton, how do I cope with the shame?’, ‘The price of pheasant in Harrod’s’, and ‘The best way to hire and fire Nanny’. Hidden among these everyday concerns was the gem ‘My son keeps rejecting me, but I found a solution’.

In this thread Mrs Johnson describes how her son frequently sends back items of clothing. “I have always sewn a name tape into Alexander’s clothing, he’s a right scamp! He is always losing things. I have lost count of the number of pairs of underpants he gets through!”

But, this humorous comment aside, there was a complaint. “He hates it when I use his proper name,” Mrs Johnson writes. “I know most people know him as Boris, but to me he will always be Alexander. So all his name tapes read ‘Alexander B. De P. Johnson’. Often he sends clothes with this name tag back, though funnily enough not the underpants. But I have found a solution!”

At this point the thread ended for several hours, the social media equivalent of a dramatic pause. Finally, she resumed. “And here it is. The latest batch of labels reads ‘Prime Minister’. Not a single garment has returned!”

And it helps to remind Mr Johnson of what he is supposed to be doing all day.

BEEFY : 10 DOWNING STREET are not in the mood today to hear any criticisms over the proposed FTA with the Aussies and what it means for British farms. In fact they’re in a decidedly bullish frame of mind.

“It really is rather tiresome,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “When will farmers get it through their soil encrusted heads that they’re about as much use to us as fisherman now? I mean. Seriously. Boris has got better things to do than listen to them moan about long term feasibility and the ramifications of the government’s short term political expediency. Have you seen the state of that gold wallpaper? Who would have thought using actual gold would make the paper so heavy it won’t stick to the walls? You learn something new every day.”

The farmers have certainly learned something new today. Namely that if a bunch of plummy voiced chancers came by promising you a golden future, the accent shouldn’t let you forget they’re chancers.

“We’re going to move on from the farming farrago now,” the source informs. “We’ve had a special new Union Flag commissioned to celebrate the world beating deal we’ve agreed with the Aussies. Brexit is triumphant! That’s all that is important. Food security can wait. Let’s celebrate!”

The aforementioned flag is certainly impressive and a sign of what British ingenuity can achieve when let loose and separated from the naysayers.

“It’s the first hormone injected flag anywhere in the world to my knowledge,” the source beamed. “It’s so muscly. Do you see the way the meat ripples in the breeze? It’s almost erotic. It’s going to be bloody difficult keeping the hands of passers by off it! And the bonus is if anyone sets fire to it in a protest they’ll just be having a barbecue! Hormones are great! Put some on your plate.”

NAMING AND SHAMING : Relief for viral superstar Dido Harding today after Downing Street took a sweeping hand to her obliterated reputation and swept all the pieces into a corner.

“The Prime Minister has his arts and crafts supplies out and he’s going to repair Dido’s rep out of empty wine crates,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

The exact reason for the heavy damage to Ms Harding’s world beating reputation as a pandemic bloodhound wasn’t made clear.

“Given that the U.K. only has one of the worst death rates on the planet, is still in the grip of an active pandemic in year three, is now seeing the Indian variant rip and it’s thought the privatised test and trace service is in part to blame, we’re a bit baffled why she isn’t now a national hero.”

Keen minds are wondering though if the £37bn spent on the service with Tory friendly companies, with no track record in the field, maybe to blame?

“Yes. Obviously we were a bit squeezed for funding when setting up the monumental smash and grab on the treasury. There were so many mouths to feed at the time. So many hands in the post. PPE contracts can set you back hundreds of millions alone. We should have spent more. That’s now obvious. I blame the public sector. If the local health assets had bothered to nail planks of wood across people’s doors and trap them inside for two weeks minimum, well we wouldn’t have had a pandemic at all.”

The Prime Minister is expected to repair all this though by making Ms Harding a new title for her faulty, cash haemorrhaging service.

“He’s breaking down the wine crates as we speak. He will affix some back together in a rough panel and paint ‘Great British Test and Trace Service’ across them. That’ll be it. Sorted by his third brunch today.”

The revamp is expected to cost an additional £37bn.