Category: Really fake news

FAMILIES PLANNING : The U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson stands ready to receive some much needed public support today to adhere to his own professed principles about global population control.

While many across the political divide showered the PM in orgiastic applause at the news of his latest expected blonde bundle of love, others reacted swiftly to attempt to dam the tide. And it wasn’t out of fear of what the Daily Mail would say about a serial adulterer who lives off state handouts on his third marriage with an unknown number of children.

A crowdfunder was established midday yesterday with the aim of “Buying the Prime Minister a vasectomy at the private clinic of his choice”. At the time of publication the money raised was said to be £350m. And that’s just the first week.

It’s not entirely clear who were the largest donors in the effort to stop Mr Johnson breeding, but it’s believed anyone paying attention to his personal history regarding families and refurbishments.

While there’s certainly no intention to malign his current attempts to nurture the feature, it’s felt perhaps he may like to lead by example, after previously stating in vigorous terms the danger to the world from overpopulation.

But critics of the crowdfunder have hit back and reminded everyone that “different rules apply to the born to rule than the hoi polloi”.

Additionally, the decline in the U.K. population caused by first Mr Johnson’s Brexit and now his mismanagement of the pandemic is thought as justification for him to fill the country with his offspring.

Curiosity remains however about the crowdfunder, with rumours suggesting Tory donors are actually the largest contributors as they’re “sick of paying for his nannies and re-wallpapering the nurseries”.

NOT WAVING DROWNING : Boris Johnson is a plucky underdog who doesn’t step back from engineering fights for his media outriders to embattled themselves in. But it seems the latest in the culture punch ups, that involving the RNLI, is set to see him perform the sort of about face he performed over footballers and racism.

“It seemed a simple enough fight to win,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “We have Priti Patel do what she loves best, demonise forrins and the people who like to help them, and get Farage shouting at the sea then wait for the victory dance. But in spite of overwhelmingly voting for that racism fuelled idiocy of Brexit, the Great British public now seem reticent about attacking volunteer lifesavers? Who would have thought it!”

And reticent the public are, so much so they’ve dug deep into their pockets and showered the RNLI with support to combat the attacks of Farage, Patel and others.

“Johnson will be okay, don’t worry,” the source reassures. “He’ll just have to pivot and show his support for the RNLI. Put a little clear water between himself and Farage, before calling him back into action again.”

The only potential snag in the pivot is thought to be the failure of the PM to locate a RNLI outfit.

“He’s got a dressing up box overflowing with costumes of all sorts of occupations, but bafflingly not one to do with rescuing non-white people at sea. It’s taken us all totally by surprise. We’re phoning around our donors right now to see if anyone has one? But so far they’ve all said they just have WW2 military outfits, and those are from the wrong side…”

All is not lost however.

“Lunch is due any minute, right after breakfast, so there will be plenty of empty wine crates by mid-afternoon out of which the PM can knock out a lifesaver’s outfit. He’ll be there beaming by the sea, attempting to get ahead of the charitable crowd and lead, before you know it.”

TITANIC 2.0 : While idiots are busying themselves fretting over the looming risk of famine in the UK following Brexit, sensible people are taking time out to invent rumours regarding the new national yacht. You’ve heard of it, Tory donors will be supplying bolts for potential use in its construction at £1,000 a pop.

It’s believed the refusal of the Palace to back the big floating boat was initially a cause of frustration and even “mild despair” for the people’s PM, until he saw how to turn crisis into opportunity.

“It’s a chance to show who actually runs the country,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This means the yacht can now be given a much better name. What would you prefer to do? Slap the handle of some aged Queen on the bow or make it much more personal?”

Rumours say the Prime Minister is considering naming the yacht now after famous moments in British history. Episodes that live in the public imagination to this day. Events with resonance. The sort of happenings you find yourself quizzed on in the Life in the UK quiz.

“Titanic 2.0 is clearly in with a run to take the title,” the source continues, “or perhaps the PM will allow a Tory donor to buy the right to name the yacht after themselves? We’re not sure yet. Clearly we can’t have a public vote on the name as that will throw up any old nonsense. Just look at Brexit!”

But there is one persistent rumour that 10 Downing Street is rumoured to be allegedly determined to quash.

“The PM is not planning to name the national yacht after his wife,” the source says, “we need to quash that nonsense right now. How could he? He has no idea who he will be married to when the boat is launched.”

SHAPESHIFTER : World King of dissembling, truth twisting, gaslighting and use of racist tropes for short term political advantage, Donald Trump, has thrown his support behind his beleaguered mini Trump in England, Boris Johnson.

That’s if you can believe this fabrication, which is more honest and real than anything either of those two bloviating megacockwombles would come out with.

The support has been made necessary by a sudden trend in the U.K. to label the Prime Minister a liar, because he is.

“That’s no lie,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Boris Johnson has a rich history of total disregard for the truth which has only been exacerbated by attaining high office. But we would appreciate it if no one mentioned it.”

Unfortunately for the PM the Labour MP Dawn Butler did mention it in the demob atmosphere of the House of Commons, just prior to the whole show going off for six weeks holiday, in the ongoing pandemic.

“Sir Keir is getting a little pricklier too,” the source notes, “and we can only hope these events aren’t a sign that the official opposition is deciding to oppose. That isn’t in our plan.”

The need to call out lies and oppose as forcefully as possible has been present in the U.K. since, well, forever, as it’s theoretically a representative democracy. But the need is all the more pressing since the criminally corrupted, advisory referendum which decided the country’s future on the basis of a mountain of horseshit. And each day the need grows stronger.

“We haven’t had to deal with an opposition for years so let’s just hope calling old Boris a liar isn’t the start of a disturbing trend!”

For his part the PM has been on early release down in Chequers but is expected to issue a statement later today on the state of the palace’s wallpaper.

“He will also address what happened in parliament yesterday,” the source adds, “and deny it happened, before going on to affirm in half remembered Ancient Greek that no one has ever called him a liar.”

Know thyself. The PM does and he does not give a shit.

YOU’D HAVE TO BE STONED: The prime minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson, has hit the ground running in efforts to make Brits smile now the pandemic is over.

“He wants to chisel out his legacy,” a curvaceous blonde, claiming to be a Johnson aide, told LCD Views, “most prime ministers make the mistake of waiting till they are near the end of their time to think about legacy. Boris is too smart for that. Look what happened to David Cameron? Danny Dyer has written his legacy, everyone now thinks of Cameron as the twat with his trotters up in a shepherd’s hut shed. Theresa May? OMFG.  Such a bonfire. Boris isn’t going to make the same rookie error.”

To avoid others writing his legacy it’s believed Mr Johnson is planning to carve out a symbolic statement that none will be able to ignore.

“The White Cliffs of Dover as so boring anyway,” the aide shrugged, “but once the many faces of Boris are chiselled into them, they will be an unmistakable picture of what happened to the UK in the 21st Century.”

In order to speed construction of the spectacle it’s thought Mr Johnson will declare a state of emergency.

“Gove is right behind the idea,” the aide reveals, “Boris ran into him while he was out jogging. They had a good chat about it. They really looked each other in the eyes, as neither was about to turn their back on the other. Boris said he would make Gove head of the project. Gove agreed readily, although he said maybe Rupert Murdoch should be on the cliff too? But they can settle that later. I don’t think Boris is going to go for that. He’s so many faces, you don’t need anyone else.”

It’s believed the money for the monumental exercise will come from the Brexit dividend.

“Don’t tell anyone, because I can’t vouch for this, but I heard he’s planning a windfall tax on the bank accounts of nurses. He’ll give a symbolic pound back to the NHS, and the rest will be spent constructing Mount Borismore at Dover.”

STINK OUT TO SPACE OUT : As the minutes count down to the end of the pandemic in England 10 Downing Street isn’t ignoring its responsibility to issue up to date safety guidance.

“While clearly from midnight tonight it’s going to be a free for all with your fellow citizens deciding what’s best for your health and safety, that doesn’t mean we’re comfortable to let it be a free for all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean common sense means different things to different people. They guy who stuck 10 dairy creme eggs up his bum, the guy who stuck a red flare in his bum and the people who phoned the emergency services over a KFC chicken shortage will have different ideas about how to stop you catching a potentially lethal infectious disease than you do. This is why we’ve issued our latest guidance.”

The guidance itself concerns personal hygiene, which has been a focus all through the extended U.K. experience of the pandemic.

”You’ve all been washing your hands, which is great, but did you realise that to keep safe from tomorrow it will be best to stop bathing the rest of you?”

Specifically the update from 10 Downing Street advises Brits to cease all bathing and showering all together, and thankfully that’s not because of a water shortage. Yet.

“If you’re worried about the maskless cockwombles as you line up at the supermarket you don’t have to feel anxious. If you reek to high heaven no one is going to want to stand close to you. This will ensure social distancing remains in place even as your government attempts to collapse your national health service.”

Stop showering. Wave your arms. Shop safely.

WHAT GOES AROUND : BREAKING news from Downing Street today after a completely fabricated leak for the purpose of this critique of government stunned the world.

Just after midday official papers bearing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s signature were found at a fictional bus stop recently installed in this publication’s mind on Downing Street. The papers are alleged to contain large font scrawling by Mr Johnson demanding to know how everyone “keeps catching this bloody idea they should all stay at home?”

Further in the documents Mr Johnson states that he suspects the actual cause of the long running, world beating U.K. experience in the pandemic maybe “ergot poisoning” as so many people appear to disagree with his idea of a reality focused solely on himself. The entire damn country has “dancing sickness and we must find the phonograph and turn the bally music off!”

While the revelation maybe made up it is thought by experts to be the only rational answer to Mr Johnson’s stubborn refusal to believe that Monday 19th July is not the day to declare the pandemic over, and lift all remaining restrictions.

“Either he is not aware the pandemic is caused by a highly infectious, potentially lethal virus or he’s a total sociopath unfit to govern. It’s one of the other,” one expert commented.

Anyone alarmed at the discovery their Prime Minister can not grasp the basics of infectious disease control is advised to use their own common sense and wait for the Prime Minister to attempt to clap for the NHS again, late summer.

“I’d be making plans for the next lockdown now,” another expert commented, “because as long as the U.K. strategy continues to be written for the convenience of Tory MP’s lifestyles we are all completely stuffed.”

FANTASY FOOTBALL : News reports this week suggest world beating Prime Minister Boris Johnson has declined to entertain the English football team in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden, even though he lets pretty much anyone else going by in.

Critics of the PM suggest that it’s because his failure to support the team early on in the Euros when some “fans” were booing the players taking the knee means he could hardly ask them around for a bbq now. But those critics fail to take into account that Mr Johnson’s neck is 100% brass and he could have fronted it out if he wanted to.

“The players told him to get stuffed and to take Priti Patel with him,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “I mean, the man is a disgrace to his office and a disgrace to civilisation. He has a long history of racist language and he gave the nod to the fans booing the players because he thought it would play well to his base. Well it turns out his base in this instance is a bloody sight smaller than he thought. Thank God.”

It’s also likely that the players, who appear fairly savvy politically, would have been aware that Mr Johnson would have leveraged any function with them to boost his own reputation. They weren’t going to used by the fatberg for his cynical damage control. But all is not lost for the beleaguered PM.

“It’s all good. He’s made another English football team out of empty wine crates. He’s got too many arts and crafts supplies anyway. He makes them constantly. So the new team and Mr Johnson will have a tea party together and he’ll be just fine with his make believe friends.”

But while an admirable attempt to move on from being snubbed by the fantastic young team, the arts and crafts team are also drawing criticism.

“Okay. Yes. The new team is all white players. But that’s down to the grapes Mr Johnson has been drinking. It’s all Sauvignon and Chardonnay and so on. You try making anything other than a blanc out of that! Any rumours the back of 10 Downing Street is overflowing with empty bottles of red is completely untrue.”

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD : Great news for people hungry to eat sovereignty today with fresh orders from 10 Downing Street to the UK’s food retailers.

Lately social media accounts in the U.K. are filling up with gloating remoaners boasting about how their push for a confirmatory vote has disrupted food supply chains. Downing Street is hitting back!

The hit back is in the form of a directive to the big supermarkets, Tesco, Sainsbury’s, that one the Americans want to asset strip and others to do their “patriotic part to help ensure the success of Brexit”.

Specifically the supermarkets are to be put on a “war footing” and activate Operation Minced Meat.

The secret plan involves the concealment of empty supermarket shelves so “the French and Germans don’t think they can invade us”.

Clearly the threat of invasion is ever present, ever since everyone in Europe agreed it was a horrible idea and committed to working together for peace.

“That was until the Brexiters and Lexiters got a hold of the UK’s reigns of power. Now we need to move swiftly before we’re carpet bombed with croissants and bratwurst to lure U.K. citizens away.”

From midnight Sunday all supermarkets will be required by law to conceal the lack of food. This will be done by removing empty shelves.

“This way shoppers will only see shelves full of produce. Wherever you look there will be adequate food. Additionally the extra room created in the stores will help with social distancing.”

Although Operation Minced Meat is to be triggered for the first time post Brexit, it does follow on from the trials of Operation Food Foto which have been “creating a beach head to baffle the public”.

All Britons can do their part to ensure the successful removal of food from shelves, and then shelves, by joining in the mass U.K. measles party that is currently ongoing thanks to the sociopathic insanity, and inability to understand basic infectious disease control at the heart of government. If you catch it you stay home and you don’t see what’s happening. Brilliant.

SIX OF ONE HALF DOZEN OF THE OTHER : THE ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is said to be “betwixt” camps today regarding the final of the Euro 2020 football competition on Sunday.

Many naively assume the Prime Minister will support the home team, but doing the obvious thing for the benefit of the United Kingdom, and its constituent nations, isn’t necessarily his guiding principle. Just look at Brexit!

“We all think it’s hilarious you think he has any guiding principle at all,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“The PM is having UK Gov run the focus groups now. If it turns out that the culture war being waged by the hard right in the UK has actually turned people off supporting England in sufficient numbers for the final, well, he may have to support Italy. He’s having an Italian team shirt made up at the moment, just as a contingency. If he comes out with a shirt with X on the back, you know he’s decided that’s where his short term political gain lies.”

Those hoping the Prime Minister will support England are of course very few in number, even in England. This is largely explained by his cynical refusal to support the team over the issuing of taking a stand against racism, and taking a knee for equality.

“The England team may have inadvertently done him a favour,” the source comments. “They’re all such smashing lads who play in a great spirit and deal with the right wing rentagobshite nonsense with dignity. Not to mention old Southgate, always one of the PM’s favourite cricketers. It’s made pivoting away from emboldening the racists to backing the England team easier than anyone expected.”

But even if the PM does come out in an England shirt for kick off, don’t think he’ll automatically stay in it all game.

“If the Italians are leading at half time it’s likely Johnson will swap shirts for the second half. But that’s not because he’s a cynical opportunist who cares only to harness popular feeling to his own selfish benefit and will switch positions in a heart beat if he senses the wind has changed direction.”